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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For my husband to want me to get angry on his behalf?

80 replies

AnimalFarm1983 · 19/05/2025 17:19

I'll try to keep this brief..I was in WH Smiths choosing a birthday card for my SIL and called DH to see what type of card he wanted. When he realised where I was he said he had just been in there and had a row with the cashier because she deliberately wouldn't serve him as there were self service tills available. He said he wanted to pay there for a reason i forgot and she was a bit snarky about it (according to him) so he told her to F off and threw the magazine on the counter.

He then wanted me to approach her, get her name and tell her he was reporting her for her attitude. My stomach fell at this, it was quiet in there and I've chatted with this worker before. I said I'd try and get her name at least. I went to the counter and asked for the magazine as i had no idea where it was. She picked one up off the floor and said 'this one? Funny as I've just had a man throw it at me.' I squeaked out, yes that was my husband I think he felt you were rude to him. She then re-told the story the same but acted like she was polite. I ended up apologising for his behaviour. She then said 'men are like that' and shrugged. I didn't get her name.

I now feel really sick and have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. If I don't start kicking off like him about behaviour I didn't even witness he will say I'm not supporting him and not on his side. He has done this before, wanting me to go somewhere and make a fuss on his behalf. It's just so awkward, not my fight and I'm not as angry at the world as he is. I feel really annoyed he has made me feel like this and put me in this position. He is depressed and waiting for therapy but he comes home almost daily with a story about how someone slighted him or upset him etc. Even if the woman WAS rude I would have probably thought, what a cow and shrugged it off and got on with my life whereas he makes these things into a huge massive big deal.
AIBU to not want to do what he said and get involved in this?

OP posts:
MissJeanBrodiesmother · 19/05/2025 17:21

You need to tell him no. He sounds like a bully. You don't feel like you can tell him no. He likes to throw his weight around.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 19/05/2025 17:22

He sounds like an absolute prick. I hate people that behave like this. Please don't pander to his twattery

ExtraOnions · 19/05/2025 17:23

He’ll be lucky if he’s not banned … swearing at staff, and throwing things at them.

He’s behaving like a manipulative bully.

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 19/05/2025 17:24

ooo

you shouldn't have apologised for him BUT

He was very unreasonable to ask you to go and start an argument with the girl on his behalf! 😄

You were on the spot and stressed out by the phone call with him. But the girl sounds attitudey so you should have at least defended dh when she started speaking about him, by saying something like 'I think its crossed wires, as he thought you were being unhelpful. anyway, thanks, have a good day'.

But hindsight is a great thing, who's to say how they'd react under stress, especially if this has happened before, try not to worry yourself xx

I'd definitely avoid that shop though!

Edit, I've just reread it and I don't blame you at all! With his MH issues, he's likely escalating every situation and feels like the world is against him. You should defend your man but if he's exploding all of the time, you can't spend your life fighting for him. HE needs to get himself sorted x

ForeverPombear · 19/05/2025 17:24

You sound scared of him OP, you shouldn't be scared of your husband. He sounds like an awful bully.

333FionaG · 19/05/2025 17:24

He’s an aggressive little bully. I bet if the cashier had been a man he would have been polite. He’s a horrible human being. Tell him to fuck off and take his anger elsewhere. Yuck.

outerspacepotato · 19/05/2025 17:26

Your husband is a rude asshole.

He wants you to enable his asshole behaviour. Don't do that. He wanted you to bully her for him.

People who are rude to service people are assholes. 🖕

onceuponatimeinneverland · 19/05/2025 17:26

He sounds like a bully

Tell him the assistant he described wasn't on the shop floor

WonderingWanda · 19/05/2025 17:26

Just tell him you did not find out her name or speak to her as it is none of your business and if he kicks off tell him he's a big enough twat to fight his own battles.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 19/05/2025 17:27

Why did you feel the need to get involved, are you scared of your ‘D’H? And if he was just in there why didn’t he buy his sister a card?

He sounds nasty. Swearing and chucking a magazine at someone, what a prick.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/05/2025 17:28

How absurd going into a shop, creating drama and chucking things at an assistant is very abusive, he was lucky the police weren't called.
And I certainly would not expect you to continue the abuse on his behalf. Outrageous.
Somebody needs to tell him to improve his attitude.

Olika · 19/05/2025 17:33

If this was my DH I would tell him to grow up. And not get involved whatsoever.

SporadicMincePieMuncher · 19/05/2025 17:37

Until he stops making a habit out of throwing his weight around at service workers he's never going to be convincing that he was in the right.

BallerinaRadio · 19/05/2025 17:37

This can't be real. Surely.

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 17:37

He is actually a coward, and fits the definition of a bully perfectly.

He is depressed and waiting for therapy that is not an excuse or even a reason for his behaviour.

Either you can tell him to grow up and stop being a dick, or you are scared of him and then you have a much bigger problem that needs to be solved urgently.

MiloMinderbinder925 · 19/05/2025 17:41

I now feel really sick and have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach.

That's a really bad sign that your relationship is unhealthy. What will happen if you stand your ground and tell him you're not supporting his bad temper and he shouldn't throw things at people?

Screamingabdabz · 19/05/2025 17:41

What a bullying little prick. Hate men who pick on young women doing minimum wage jobs where they are powerless to tell him to go fuck himself. Which is what you should do. Especially when he wants you to ‘prove’ your loyalty to him by abusing young women even more. Ugh. How can you even stand him?

EveryKneeShallBow · 19/05/2025 17:42

Are you married to Victor Meldrew? What a prick.

CopperWhite · 19/05/2025 17:45

Feeling like everyone is against you, even if you’re feeling like it as a result of your own negative behaviour is a classic thing that happens when people are suffering with mental illness. If you know he is properly depressed then it is not fair to judge him by the same standards you would a healthy person.

You don’t need to get angry on his behalf or do what he says, but people who are waiting for therapy they desperately need do deserve a bit of understanding.

Expecting someone with a mental illness to behave rationally is like expecting someone with a broken leg to run the local 5k.

Redpeach · 19/05/2025 17:46

Who throws magazines around in shops?

5128gap · 19/05/2025 17:48

Your husband is of course wrong. He hugely overreacted in the shop, quite possibly intimidating the woman, then turned his bullying on to you, leading you to be fearful of him. This is no way to live OP and I hope you have options if his behaviour becomes more than you can tolerate. In the immediate, it might be safest and easiest to tell him there was no woman there when you went in as this avoids him blowing up at you. If you feel safe to do so, you could tell him the truth, but don't put yourself at risk.

ResidentPorker · 19/05/2025 17:49

Lots of people are depressed, it's got nothing to do with bullying shop assistants.

I hate the push towards self service but your husband sounds like a cock.

Shuttered · 19/05/2025 17:51

5128gap · 19/05/2025 17:48

Your husband is of course wrong. He hugely overreacted in the shop, quite possibly intimidating the woman, then turned his bullying on to you, leading you to be fearful of him. This is no way to live OP and I hope you have options if his behaviour becomes more than you can tolerate. In the immediate, it might be safest and easiest to tell him there was no woman there when you went in as this avoids him blowing up at you. If you feel safe to do so, you could tell him the truth, but don't put yourself at risk.

This. And ask if if he generally manages to restrain himself when there’s a male staff member built like a shed at the tills?

Mightyhike · 19/05/2025 17:54

This is his issue. I would completely refuse to get involved. If he wants to complain he can, but I am not doing it for him.

Daffodilsarefading · 19/05/2025 17:55

So every day he is having run ins with people, or at least feels that every single day, someone does wrong to him. Ok, think about who the common denominator is.
He was completely out of order to swear at a worker, no excuse for that at all. Plus you yourself felt bad complaining.
For a start don’t ever act as his flying monkey again.
Secondly, cut down on being his emotional crutch. When he starts moaning on and on try saying “Mike, you really need to speak to a therapist about this and not keep telling me. There isn’t anything I can do about it, I’m not an expert.” Then busy yourself doing something else.
He sounds like a prick to be frank. Depression doesn’t excuse his behaviour.