For my husband to want me to get angry on his behalf?

[AnimalFarm1983]

I'll try to keep this brief..I was in WH Smiths choosing a birthday card for my SIL and called DH to see what type of card he wanted. When he realised where I was he said he had just been in there and had a row with the cashier because she deliberately wouldn't serve him as there were self service tills available. He said he wanted to pay there for a reason i forgot and she was a bit snarky about it (according to him) so he told her to F off and threw the magazine on the counter.

He then wanted me to approach her, get her name and tell her he was reporting her for her attitude. My stomach fell at this, it was quiet in there and I've chatted with this worker before. I said I'd try and get her name at least. I went to the counter and asked for the magazine as i had no idea where it was. She picked one up off the floor and said 'this one? Funny as I've just had a man throw it at me.' I squeaked out, yes that was my husband I think he felt you were rude to him. She then re-told the story the same but acted like she was polite. I ended up apologising for his behaviour. She then said 'men are like that' and shrugged. I didn't get her name.

I now feel really sick and have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. If I don't start kicking off like him about behaviour I didn't even witness he will say I'm not supporting him and not on his side. He has done this before, wanting me to go somewhere and make a fuss on his behalf. It's just so awkward, not my fight and I'm not as angry at the world as he is. I feel really annoyed he has made me feel like this and put me in this position. He is depressed and waiting for therapy but he comes home almost daily with a story about how someone slighted him or upset him etc. Even if the woman WAS rude I would have probably thought, what a cow and shrugged it off and got on with my life whereas he makes these things into a huge massive big deal.
AIBU to not want to do what he said and get involved in this?

Are you scared of him? Does he bully you as well as other people?

(I'm hoping you don't have kids).

Im not scared of him that has not come across well. I am.not a confrontational.person so I don't want to have to deal with it in any way at all!! He is not a bully but sees things things aren't there, like he is always looking at people and think they're staring at him and has terrible road rage. It's got worse as the years have gone on and I don't know what to do about it. He used to be so funny, generous and kind. He is still that person deep down but his general unhappiness and depression is a monster that's taking over at the moment and it's bloody hard and I don't know what to do

In your heart, do you believe the cashier or your H acted unreasonably?

And if it’s your H, knowing he has form, knowing you don’t agree with him, knowing he’s rude and abusive to people in the world, knowing he wants you to fight his stupid, ugly battles for him, why are you entertaining it? I suspect because he bullies you too.

It sounds like he needs urgent referral for therapy. He's potentially dangerous, especially given the road rage.

If you’re not scared of him, why are you worried about not doing what he wants?

”Love I’m not getting involved. If you want her name, ask the shop.”

I don't know if I'm more disturbed by what an utter piece of shit he is or the fact that you are obviously scared of him but don't realise he's a piece of shit.

He goes and starts a fight in a shop with someone paid probably minimum wage because she doesn't treat him like royalty. WTF? Who does that?

He then expects you to jump on his pathetic bandwagon without any evidence that what he said was true. Like you're his mum and have to finish his battles for him.

And finally he bullies you for not wanting to get involved in his stupid fight over something utterly trivial.

He clearly does this to you a lot. Do you have kids? Why are you with him?

Your husband has untreated mental illness and his anger and confrontations seem to be escalating.

He had better prioritize finding mental health care very soon because he sounds close to assaulting someone or causing a road rage accident.

This would be my hill to die on. He starts immediate treatment or I would leave.

He's a bully, with anger problems.

OP, you keep talking about feeling sick, how your ‘stomach fell’ and a ‘horrible feeling’ in the pit of your stomach. That’s fear. You just seem to have stopped recognising it as such. Which is really alarming. It’s not good for anyone to be around someone so angry and with such a persecution complex, and disastrous for your children, if you have them.

So what is the horrible feeling in the pit of your stomach and feeling sick, if not some form of fear and anxiety?

Maybe, but he should be told: you’ve got a broken leg there so you won’t be running that 5K, and because I am going to be running it, I won’t be carrying you in your shoulder.

or to translate “You are absolutely right, I won’t support you abusing someone working at minimum wage, and I am not going to be your proxy going to do it for you. That’s your depression talking, and we won’t be discussing it further.”

I don't say this lightly but you need to get out of this marriage. This behaviour tends to escalate. Whatever you say you are obviously afraid of him.

I shouldn't have to say this but no one should be afraid of their spouse. That's non negotiable.

It's just dread of having to have yet the same conversation with him and him seeing it like I'm being unsupportive. He is miserable and negative every day and it is getting me down as its so exhausting. I have given up watching TV with him as he just criticises and means at everything. He has never hit anyone and would never hit me, I know this even though you will think I'm in denial I know him. He gets qorkws up and frustrated over small things which is so exhausting and I just don't have the energy to have rhe same conversation/argument over nothing. She might have had a bit of attitude but not enough to excuse his behaviour, I know this. But he'll think I'm taking her side as I'm against him.on everything 😕

A good point raised upthread.
Does he get confrontational with 6 foot 4 built like a brick s**thouse men. Ones covered in neck and face tattoos. Those men who look like they would gladly box Mike Tyson blindfolded and without wearing boxing gloves? Does he? Would he have told such a man to F off and thrown things at him?
If not, he is in complete control and it’s not depression.

OP the fact that you think that because he would never hit you it's OK points to how low your self esteem is. That's an incredibly low bar.

A marriage shouldn't be a festival of moaning and negativity and grievances. He clearly has mental health issues of some description, and compassion is due but its not your responsibility to pander to this and provide an echo chamber to validate his paranoid feelings. You have a right not to be surrounded by this.

If you want to remain with him (and I wouldn't), you have to insist that he gets help with his mental health issues. But frankly I would cut your losses. You have a life too and you have a right not to spend every moment being someone's emotional punch bag.

You could lie and tell him you found the woman in pieces, having been intimidated by an aggressive man. He obviously thinks its ok to bully women

He won't get any better OP. Trust me, your life will be ruled by his moods and demands. I've been in a similar position with someone with mental illness. It will eventually take over every facet of your life without you even realising. You've already stopped watching TV with him for example. You will be shielding for him and making excuses until people think you are the problem. Does he work? Is he like this with everyone or are you basically his de facto whipping boy? I strongly urge you to re-evaluate your life with him.

He is definitely a bully and he is definitely overly aggressive. The road rage alone is scary, but then the additional attacks on various members of the public is just horrendous. This is not normal, he is clearly a very dangerous individual and it's escalating.

That would probably give him a hard on 🤢

This is really weird and pathetic.

Both of you sound unhinged.

He’s a bully/coward.

And you’re either scared of him or a mug.

OP you should be very proud of being unsupportive of such godawful behaviour. Assuming you feel safe enough to do so: promise him right here and now that you will never ever support behaviour like this and you're taking a very dim view of him chucking stuff at people, no matter what the provocation. Don't even try making him feel better about his decision to use anger on people just to get his own way.

Does he throw things around at home? Is he speaking to you aggressively? Considering he does it in public and isn't even ashamed to admit it, I would frankly admit that his behaviour towards inanimate objects and strangers is beginning to worry and scare me. Don't know if that's your feeling too, but you do sound like you can't speak freely to him without being berated.

He needs to get some help and quick. What a nasty foul mouthed bully.

So I spoke to him about it and he said he didn't throw it at her he put it on the counter. He was a bit shocked I wasn't immediately on his sodeand kept saying but she was really side to me. I said he had to let things go and not get so worked about it even if she WAS rude. He just shrugged and I can tell he still thinks he's in the right but he's now doing something else and seems fine. I think he was still angry and venting to me in the moment without thinking, he is definitely not.going to make a complaint as he's calmed down and didn't even ask me if I asked her name. I think indeed to be more assertive with him in these situations and say no, I'm.not doing that otherwise he'll always expect it

Just ignore him when he rants about such things. Roll your eyes and say 'oh no, not another altercation in the shops. You do have bad luck don't you dear'. Then just change the subject.

I heard WH Smiths have gone bust now so tell him that, buy him a party hat and a cake to celebrate?! 🤣

Could not agree more OP. If you go along with it you'll only feed the drama. What's the point of being some man's echo, anyway? You have your own opinion, it doesn't mean you're not supportive of his happiness.