For my husband to want me to get angry on his behalf?

[AnimalFarm1983]

I'll try to keep this brief..I was in WH Smiths choosing a birthday card for my SIL and called DH to see what type of card he wanted. When he realised where I was he said he had just been in there and had a row with the cashier because she deliberately wouldn't serve him as there were self service tills available. He said he wanted to pay there for a reason i forgot and she was a bit snarky about it (according to him) so he told her to F off and threw the magazine on the counter.

He then wanted me to approach her, get her name and tell her he was reporting her for her attitude. My stomach fell at this, it was quiet in there and I've chatted with this worker before. I said I'd try and get her name at least. I went to the counter and asked for the magazine as i had no idea where it was. She picked one up off the floor and said 'this one? Funny as I've just had a man throw it at me.' I squeaked out, yes that was my husband I think he felt you were rude to him. She then re-told the story the same but acted like she was polite. I ended up apologising for his behaviour. She then said 'men are like that' and shrugged. I didn't get her name.

I now feel really sick and have a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. If I don't start kicking off like him about behaviour I didn't even witness he will say I'm not supporting him and not on his side. He has done this before, wanting me to go somewhere and make a fuss on his behalf. It's just so awkward, not my fight and I'm not as angry at the world as he is. I feel really annoyed he has made me feel like this and put me in this position. He is depressed and waiting for therapy but he comes home almost daily with a story about how someone slighted him or upset him etc. Even if the woman WAS rude I would have probably thought, what a cow and shrugged it off and got on with my life whereas he makes these things into a huge massive big deal.
AIBU to not want to do what he said and get involved in this?

What a horrible aggressive man. Is he abusive towards you?

Your husband sounds like a complete twat in all honesty. Why on earth can he not fight his own battles? Not that this one needed to be fought, the WH smith worker was presumably towing the company line and encouraging people to use self service. Nobody deserves to get stuff thrown at /near them but least of all in a badly paid retail job.

Who even buys magazines?

I have known several depressed people on various medications but none of them have acted like this twat because of it.
He's a bully and doing a piss take if he can't fight his own battles without 'mummy'.
Hopefully he'll bully the wrong person one day and come on the receiving end.

This is the second time I've defended a man on mumsnet today 😅🤢

I feel sorry for him, he needs to hurry up and get on some citalopram/sertraline and start his cbt on the NHS (or private if poss)

I doubt the sales girl was completely perfect but throwing a magazine is ridiculous.

As mentioned above, tell him that you love him but he needs to work on himself. Until then, he can't ask you to take on his random 'beefs' x

Your husband is a POS. Who does he think he is throwing a magazine at someone.

If he has a problem with everyone. The problem isn't everyone...

This is a reasonable thing to say. Just cross yur fingers behind your back. Good luck.o

This is not normal behaviour.

This will escalate into him telling you to kick
off with your family and his friends because of him.

I foresee a lot of emotional abuse for you if you stay with him.

This is terrible. Why should OP lie and hope for the best? Why are women so conditioned to appease men?

I don't think I would have told the assistant it was your husband she was referring to or have got into any conversation at all.

However, I'd always assume my own partner/relative was in the right never a shop assistant I barely knew.

Why wouldn't they serve someone at the counter? It's like talking themselves of a job.

Id be "attitudey" if some bellend shouted at me for no reason and threw something at me when I just doing my job FFS.

And his mental health is absolutely not an excuse. Yes, he may be irritable because he's depressed. That does not mean everyone else just has to agree with him and tell him he's right all the time. And he does not get to make his partner (or anyone else) terrified to disagree with him.

I'm guessing he's not been to the GP about his mental health issues or tried any medication.

A quiet life is no bad thing. If you have never lived with a bully it may be difficult to understand.

What makes you stay married to this fine specimen of a man?

I dunno, shop assistants these days are rude tbh, and I worked in retail through my youth

Still, he had no business behaving like that, getting so worked up that he threw something, not acceptable

I don't think that people are 'terrified' to disagree, from what I recall at the time I posted that - just that, people don't want to respond to every little irritation like he does

I don't approve of self service tills and refuse to use them. If the cashier refused to serve me, I would leave without making a purchase and would boycott that shop. I understand your DH frustration but that doesn't justify his behaviour.

Twattery, love it! I'm taking that lol.

Never make a fuss on somebody else's behalf unless they are genuinely unable to do it themselves - ie they are very old or otherwise vulnerable. Why can't he make a complaint himself?
At a guess because he knows throwing the magazine at the cashier is not a reasonable way to resolve a disagreement, but he still wants to punish her even though he was unreasonable. I would be very wary of a man who wants other people to fight his battles for him.
You may be right and it is part of his depression, but l think it is likely to be part of his personality - some people are more resilient than others and can take the knocks of every day life without getting angry and taking it out on people, clearly your husband gets angry then bullying, first to the assistant, then to you-You need couples counselling as well as his own counselling, otherwise l think your life together will never be happy.

Tell him you didn't see her, she must have gone for lunch/break.

He sounds like he has a lot of issues but you shouldn't have to deal with it. My sister was with a guy like this and EVENTUALLY she left him. Took her over 20 years though.

A bully and a coward. YABU for defending him. You weren’t there so you don’t know who did what BUT you do know he has track record.🤔

Imagine a GROWN ADULT MAN shouting, swearing, and then throwing something at a retail assistant, even if she was a little bit sassy (which tbh, I wouldn't even be sure of). He sounds like an absolute bully and controlling. If that happened to me, I'd probably roll my eyes internally and crack on with my day. If I was the assistant, I would be tempted to report him - many retail assistants now wear body cameras for this exact reason. I don't know how you don't have the ick to be honest.

As a rule people should always be on their spouse's side. That goes for both genders. But only as far as supporting their spouse. Nobody has to actively continue a feud on the other's behalf.

’I am not your Rottweiler,’ is what I tell mine when he wants me to pick a fight for him. Seems to settle him down

I can't remember the last time someone was rude to me, can't remember the last time my DH said someone was rude to him either. I don't recall him ever expecting me to defend him. You sound scared of your DH. All that makes me think he is the problem, he sounds like a nasty, aggressive bully.

how does he think it’s ok to shout and swear at staff 😭
don’t spend your life walking on egg shells OP