I dont want my DD to stay at her Aunties

[Unorganisedchaos2]

I have a 6 year old DD, my sister has a 4 year old DD and lives a 2 hour drive away. We were always very close but in the past few years the relationship has broken down. She's made it clear she tolerates me just so she can see DD.

A few months ago my Mum asked if she could take my DD to my sisters for the weekend, I kindly explained that me and DH wouldn’t be comfortable with that. Mum has DD for overnight visits a few times a year and she's welcome to have her whenever she wants but I have my concerns about the way my sister parents and I can't expect her to police that. Sister has a knack of disappearing whenever there's another adult, one time I was at hers and she was gone for an hour - it turned out shed gone to her friends next door for a coffee and not told anyone! So its likely mum will be left doing most of the childcare. Mum agrees with my concerns but refuses to raise them with my sister (she says its none of her business how sister parents her child) Mum was very annoyed but left it.

I actually posted on here at the time as I was so annoyed but during October half term Sister invited herself to stay for the week and it was awful, she was largely disinterested in both girls to the point where me and DH did most of the child care, even basics such as making DN had brushed her teeth and had a wash. DN was constantly asking where her mum was. There were also a few instances which troubled me on the few occasions she actually did interact with them

• I found her upstairs with both girls and all her medication scattered over the bed and she was explaining what each one was for "this makes me feel less anxious, this makes me feel less sad, this helps my pain etc etc" Sister has a chronic condition so does need medication but I suspect she's topping up the prescription tramadol & codeine with co-codamol from the chemist as there was a huge amount and only some had prescription stickers. The bag of medication is always on display and certainly not out of reach, I was constantly putting it away in a cupboard much to her annoyance.

• Caught her having a conversation with both girls about anxiety, how it presents in different ways, tummy ache, feeling nervous etc. and how she manages her anxiety - I can't think of any reason why this would have come up in conversation and it was one of the few times she actually sat and chatted with them both which made it stranger.

• She's told DN that Father Christmas and the tooth fairy aren't real as she doesn’t believe in lying to children.

• DN never wears clothes at home, not even underwear, the week they stayed I was constantly asking my DD to get dressed as obviously she wanted to copy her cousin. At her house DN is allowed to play in the garden and out the front of the house (it’s a cul-de-sack) completely naked, she also doesn’t make the child wear shoes when they go out, so she walks barefoot to the shop, on the bus, even in public toilets - sister just says DN has sensory issues and if she wants the leave the house she has to let her be barefoot.

DD came back from my mums this weekend asking when is she going to stay over at cousins house as Nanny was telling her about it. Next time I see Mum I'll make it very clear again that DD won't be going there without me and I'm annoyed she's mentioned it to DD as I now have to explain that she won't be going and DD is going to think it's my fault she can't go. Mum and sister have a history of guilt tripping and manipulating to get what they want and since having DD I've grown a bit of a back bone and they seem to be struggling with no getting what they want I suspect…

How can I explain to 6 year old DD that she can't go and stay with her cousin because her auntie's lazy and I don’t trust her Nanny to keep her safe? Do I just brush it off and hope she forgets? She loves her cousin so much and misses her :(

As I say, I hope the school will pick it up as apparently no adult in her life is going to do anything about it

yes I thought that your update may include an improvement on what you said in your op

Could your mum have both girls for a sleepover at her house?

Bad idea

You are so right not letting your daughter go stay there, she clearly has at the very least a very "different" parenting style to you, and your dd will be exposed to things you don't want her exposed to.
This will crop up again, just keep telling your dd (and your mum who is over stepping here) that your job is to keep DD healthy, safe and cared for and unfortunately sometimes you need to make decisions that she or other people don't like, and in this case it's that the only place she's allowed a sleepover without mummy is her granny's. You know she feels sad/frustrated/whatever feeling she exhibits when you talk about not going, but a mum/ dad sometimes might do things that make her feel that way, it's because they love her and need to make sure she's healthy, safe and well looked after.
It'll be the same when she wants a sleepover at her friends and you don't like the parents, or she wants her ears pierced, or she wants to go to a disco and you think she's too young - a parents job isn't to make their child happy, it's to make them safe, healthy, looked after appropriately etc - and the quicker your dd learns that sometimes you make decisions she doesn't like for her wellbeing the easier it'll be as she gets older. Look up Dr Becky on You tube, she's fab and explains this really well.

Well, clearly it’s not! You can explain to your dd in age appropriate terms why she can’t stay there and remind her you’ve offered to have her cousin stay at yours.

Well you are guessing wrong then.🙄
I've read the thread.

There is a lack of urgency on the thread about the serious issue of a naked child playing outside.

A number of posters had urged the Op to go to SS, before you posted telling them off @Havingaswimmoose

either way, sadly I don’t think this Op remotely sees how concerning this is, and 100% won’t do anything to address

Im not sure what the etiquette is updating old posts but it makes more sense than making a new thread.

DD going to DS's to stay hasn't been brought up again by DS or DM and I have very little contact with DS, she text over a month ago about DN's birthday and we haven't spoken since.

A few weeks ago though DD came home from DM's (she takes her swimming after school and DH collects) and mentioned that she facetimed her cousin, DH and I questioned a bit further and apparently they do this every week. That in itself is no issue - we used to do it a lot (normally prompted by me) but I was a bit surprised it had never been mentioned, also she must struggle to fit it in timewise as there's not much time between her finishing swimming and DH collecting her, DH can sometimes get to DM's earlier than expected and has never seen them facetiming, so she must make sure the call is finished way before is due.

I didnt mention to DM but then she asked to come and see DD on a different afternoon as she wasn't free to take her swimming that week and I just casually said "Mum, did you want me to get my iPad so you can facetime DN she must have missed speaking to DD these last few weeks"
DM looked a bit spooked, mumbled something about texting DS and she thought she was in work (she wasn't because she had posted on social media) and not to worry. Last week as DH arrived to collect DD (later than expected) he found DD facetiming her cousin, it seems strange this is the first time he has seen it is the week after I let her know I knew they did it every week.

I cant for the life remember how it came up but this weekend DD made the comment "Mummy will kick off if I facetime cousin" we asked her who had said that, she was very coy and said she remembered, I asked what she meant by "kicking off" as this isn't a term we use and when it happened and she eventually said "when I was in reception class" - she's just finishing year 1. I've never kicked off at her facetiming anyone or had an issue with it and we cant work out why she would think this? I asked if someone had told her that and she said no but Im not sure I believe her. We told her how no one should ever ask her to keep a secret from me and her Dad and she will never get in trouble for telling us something she has been asked to keep a secret. I even said she could whisper it to her Dad if she was worried about telling me but she said she didnt have any secrets.

Im not sure if Im just reading too much into everything because of how things are between us or they are up to something and filling DD's head with things. Im seeing mum tomorrow as we have a funeral and I want to mention it to her, but Im not sure what to say? Or should I just leave it? We are seeing DS and DN for DN's birthday in a few weeks.

Op what do you want from this thread?

For someone to tell me if Im overreacting or not

OP, it’s not your fault, but it is your decision, and you shouldn’t be afraid to tell your DD that and make it clear that won’t be changing.

Don’t bring all this up at a funeral, ffs!

Mums coming to mine and Im driving us both, we're going for a drink afterwards I was going ton speak to her then

Hmm given the age of your daughter and that your mum seems to be unreliable, I'd be shutting down the access. Can you sort the swimming out another way? And I'd be honest with your Mum about why.

You worry about whether or not you are overreacting and you have a thread full of women telling you that you are not.
I think you need to cancel any more visits with your family, find a therapist who specialises in family abuse, and investigate the possibility you were taught as a child to ignore your own boundaries.
Your families behaviour is very concerning. They are involving children in their activities.

Yeah we can just move to another group at the same place so she can go at the weekend, that's no issue. She does let us down a lot anyway so it might be easier in the long run.

This is a common situation for those of us from dysfunctional families. Yours sounds a bit messed up too with zero boundaries.

I had this and still do. It's a nightmare. And I still have to explain to a teenager why. He misses his cousins alot. Facilitating any contact involves accepting adults are going to be very manipulative and critical of me and will use child to meet any agenda. I cut it off over 18 months ago, as much as I actively can.

You say as little as possible to sister or mum if they ask. You only need say ' I'm not comfortable about DD being anywhere overnight without me. It's not going to be possible '. End of conversation.

At this age you can say it's not possible at the moment for her to go there. As she gets older you can introduce the word boundaries. That people have boundaries or maybe use the words personal rules that explain what is and isn't ok behaviour for them to accept. Its never ok for another person to ignore these rules we have for ourselves.

I have to do this regularly. And nothings going to stop me being the ' over reacting' bad guy. The behaviour I have observed and my child has been drawn into is appalling beyond belief. Yet I will be the bad guy.

It might be this way for you so be strong and firm and don't waver.

Your mum will probably shit stir,she will probably try win your daughter over and drop little hints and messages in her ear that will undermine you and your daughter will then come crying to you again asking why you won't let her see her cousin.

I'd be very careful about allowing her time alone with granny dearest.

Thank you @JoyDivision79 this is helpful. I know its ridiculous to keep coming on here and asking the same things but they make me feel like Im being unreasonable. When you grow up in an environment that is unhealthy its can be difficult to see things for how they are.

Being overt with safeguarding is healthy.

It’s good for DC to know that no one should ever ask her to keep secrets from Mummy and Daddy. We keep you safe and secrets make that harder. No one should invite you anywhere without checking with Mummy and Daddy- we keep you safe and etc…
You are allowed to say no when something makes you uncomfortable. That’s a way of keeping safe. Tell mummy and daddy and we will help sort it out for you.

And say it in front of problematic people too. Little Johnny knows that it’s ok to say no to hugs and kisses, don’t you little Johnny? It’s how we keep each other safe.

Little Johnny knows it isn’t his job to make someone else happy. He is not responsible for other people’s ’ feelings.

then why would you not do it?

it is the niece I’m concerned about

at least 3 adults are aware of what seems to be negligence, and absolutely squat all is being done about it.