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Original poster

Nursery mum getting involved in everything

61 replies

Itsaboutbeingawkward · 19/05/2025 14:38

I will start this off by saying I am not the biggest social butterfly in the world, but I would say I am polite and happy to have a friendly chat, i just don’t go out of my way to make proper friends on the nursery run. I also apologise for the length of this!

There is one mum who I am struggling with. She is the kind of person who asks very prying questions and somehow as I am such an awkward turtle I have found in the past I have shared info I probably wouldn’t share with other people I hardly know, things about money and costs of things and finances etc. She seems to ask in a way that I find myself saying it and then wishing I hadn’t.

The main issue I am having is with her daughter and mine. They are friendly, but her LO can be a bit unkind at times and often hurts my wee girls feelings. This used to be a bigger problem but my wee one is starting to distance herself from the friendship which is great. Recently my wee one started a certain type of dancing. It was great as she was making new friends, really enjoying it and it was somewhere away from this little girl. A few weeks ago she won a trophy and brought it into nursery, and when this LO seen it, she demanded to her mum that she also join this dancing. The mum took her out of another club and has now started at the dancing.

It is the kind of class where you wait inside for the dancing to be over. She brings along her smaller child and then it ends up the hour is spent with me entertaining him as she doesn’t seem to be able to keep him chilled while we wait for the girls to come out and he just wants to climb all over me instead.

She has started asking to take my little girl for me as a favour. I have said no each week, as I actually enjoy taking her and it gives me (before she started) an hour to chill and update my business socials.

i have a feeling this is because she will want a favour in return. Dancing competitions will be on weekends and she works weekends. I honestly do not want to end up having to take her little one every weekend, especially when she isnt a very nice little girl.

how do i get the point across politely that i will continue to take my wee girl, and I will not be offering to take hers when it comes to it?

am i being unreasonable for not wanting to get involved in this kind of situation before it is suggested?

OP posts:
MattCauthon · 19/05/2025 14:42

This woman sounds annoying. Having said that, I think that you are potentially shooing yourself in the foot by not setting up a friendly recipricol arrangement in place for the longer term - having other families who you can swap favours and lifts with is helpful.

Of course, it doesn't work if you are uncomfortable with her as a person. I'd be making more effort not to engage with her in the first instance and avoiding her questions. At the dance club, take yourself outside or put headphones on with a cheeery, "just taking the hour to get some work done" or whatever. If she offers lifts, a simple, "Aaah, thanks. Right now Penelope feels quite uncomfortable with that and we both like me being here but thanks for the offer and perhaps as the girls get older it might be something we both find helpful."

CurbsideProphet · 19/05/2025 14:42

"No thanks I'm fine, I don't need you to take my child to dancing".

I would also be saying to her younger child "Ok back to mummy you go" and physically handing them back to her every single time you are climbed on, with a reminder that you're "enjoying some quiet time to do some admin".

thismummydrinksgin · 19/05/2025 14:44

You need to be non committal about your plans. I agree with you about not getting into reciprocal arrangements. It will end up turning something nice into a chore x

Moveoverdarlin · 19/05/2025 14:45

I have had this EXACT thing. Another Mum was asking my child over for sleepovers and play dates purely because she was lining something up in return. She was cultivating a relationship with me and my DH because she thought we’re a nice family who she can dump her child on. The child was not very nice at all and the mother was an equal pain in the ass. I’m quite a placid person but in the end I have had to be blunt. I say ‘Can’t make this weekend, but will let you know when we’re free.’ When she offers to take your DD to dancing I would say ‘No thanks, we’re good.’ If it’s awkward, so be it. You need to be clear with people like this.

TinyTempest · 19/05/2025 14:46

You seem very down on this woman for simply being different to you?

I agree she sounds mildly annoying but I suspect you're more annoyed at yourself for being the way you are, instead of just accepting you're both different women.

Anyway to the point of your thread, just keep repeating that you enjoy the alone time with your daughter and stick to it.

CynicalSunni · 19/05/2025 14:48

Wear headphones and keep passing her child back to her. Make it clear you are not interested in conversation.

Keep saying no thank you to each request and ' sorry i am watching my daughter righ now ' if you can see them dancing or' sorry i am busy working right now'

And if she keep pestering about the lifts be firm ' we are not interested in that arrangment please stop asking'

Youre being polite just short. Have stock answers for things so she cant worm stuff out of you.

SandrenaIsMyBloodType · 19/05/2025 14:51

I think you’ve set yourself up for success here but refusing her offers of help now. All you really need to do now is double-down on your reasoning. Make sure you communicate that this is special mummy-daughter time for the two of you and it’s important to you to preserve it. If you get asked for help at the weekends you can just say that you and your DD are going out together before/after the competition and it’s important to you both. I also think it’s ok to say “your daughter doesn’t seem to enjoy spending time with mine and I don’t think it would work to force them together”. It’s good that you can see this coming. Just hold firm.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 19/05/2025 14:57

I have been direct with people before and said “I really value this time as my chance to zone out/ chill out/ have a brain break”. I don’t care if they think it’s odd!

I’d also say “I enjoy bringing my child to this hobby on our own. We like to chat on the way”.

There’s a Mum at my son’s school who annoys me a lot for absolutely no reason- it’s very unfair but she just annoys me even though she’s perfectly nice. I just find her to be across my boundaries - as though she wants us to be close when we aren’t. Crucially - my son is my youngest and her son of the same age is her eldest, and I know what she is looking for is for me to support her and help her out with lifts etc.

RandomMess · 19/05/2025 15:00

Go sit in your car whilst dance class is on. You could mention how much you enjoy the 1 to 1 time with your DD at the dance shows.

Lottie6712 · 19/05/2025 15:05

CurbsideProphet · 19/05/2025 14:42

"No thanks I'm fine, I don't need you to take my child to dancing".

I would also be saying to her younger child "Ok back to mummy you go" and physically handing them back to her every single time you are climbed on, with a reminder that you're "enjoying some quiet time to do some admin".

This is very sensible advice!

MyLittleNest · 19/05/2025 15:12

I have dealt with pushy women like this. I understand how it feels to be caught off guard in the moment and regret things later. With big personalities like this, it's really difficult.

I'd go sit in your car during the dance class. Say that you have some calls to make or emails to do. Continue to say no to the offers to drive, regardless of this woman's motivations. As for sharing too much, now that you are aware of it, it will be easier to not do this going forward. I find that with people like this, it's best to be vague and immediately turn the questions onto them. Let her talk about herself instead of asking about you. And again, distance.

In the end, she might find another dance mum to chat up.

something2say · 19/05/2025 15:20

I think you will benefit from being proactive. Things like -

Avoiding eye contact.
Keep a side eye out for her approach, then gather your bag and go to the ladies.
Sit outside if she gets hold of you, say that you have a call to make and then leave and wait elsewhere.
Be super busy on your phone, head down, no eye contact, watch your daughter etc.
Less and later in response to things.

Anything you can think of. I have the same problem where I socialise at times. I don't always want to be close to people who want to be close to me. I had to learn skills to deflect and scape.

thetrumanshow · 19/05/2025 15:26

it ends up the hour is spent with me entertaining him
It's your choice, I wouldn't. If you ignore him, his mum will have to deal with him, and if she doesn't, it's not your problem anyway.

She has started asking to take my little girl for me as a favour
She's not actually doing anything wrong here, is she? Just say no thank you. No need to feel unpleasant, or awkward, smile and "thank you but no", that's more than enough.

If she is trying to arrange swaps for giving lifts, she's not being a CF. But again, juste say no.

You are definitively not BU to want to stay as you are and not be involved with hers at the weekend
but you are BU to make a big deal about it.

You have years of Primary School Gates politics ahead, just learn to say no pleasantly and not give it a thought.

alcoholnightmare · 19/05/2025 15:28

Can you take an iPad or laptop with you so it’s crystal clear you’re working?
also agree with the “no, we are going to get fish n chips after… it’s our only time alone all week. Thanks for offering though, very thoughtful of you. How are you planning to manage dance competitions as you work the weekends? Me and DH are going to have to alternate but then it’s straight to the inlaws after for our weekly visit”

Doncarlos · 19/05/2025 15:42

when she offers just say “thanks but I actually really value this time me and DD have to ourselves”.

DDivaStar · 19/05/2025 16:02

She sounds rude asking such personal questions but if you keep answering them she won't know you're not comfortable with it.

Obviously if it doesn't work for you keep saying no but sometimes these arrangements can be very useful so it's not rude for her to suggest it.

Definitely say you need to work and sho away her little one, that's not your responsibility.

Shuttered · 19/05/2025 16:17

CurbsideProphet · 19/05/2025 14:42

"No thanks I'm fine, I don't need you to take my child to dancing".

I would also be saying to her younger child "Ok back to mummy you go" and physically handing them back to her every single time you are climbed on, with a reminder that you're "enjoying some quiet time to do some admin".

Yes. No one is forcing you to entertain the younger child, just as you weren’t tortured into revealing whatever it was you’re sorry you told the mother. It’s perfectly possible to be civil and not e gage any further than you want.

5128gap · 19/05/2025 16:24

You keep saying "Thanks, but I really like bringing DD myself" every time she offers. If and when she asks you to take her DD on the weekend, you cross that bridge when you come to it. "Sorry, we will be going to grandma's/Lanzorotte/to boil our socks straight after on Saturdays so I won't be able to" would do it.

Pickingdates · 19/05/2025 16:46

Do not take her child and never allow her become involved in your arrangements.
Start doing work or calls.
Avoid her as much as possible.

She will eventually be driven to ask you directly so you need to say no that getting involved with her childcare does not suit you.

Stop being nice, she will use that.

The alternative is that she will use you and plague.
Unfortunately for this type they really don't care, they are single minded in their quest to suit themselves.

C36M · 19/05/2025 17:49

Itsaboutbeingawkward · 19/05/2025 14:38

I will start this off by saying I am not the biggest social butterfly in the world, but I would say I am polite and happy to have a friendly chat, i just don’t go out of my way to make proper friends on the nursery run. I also apologise for the length of this!

There is one mum who I am struggling with. She is the kind of person who asks very prying questions and somehow as I am such an awkward turtle I have found in the past I have shared info I probably wouldn’t share with other people I hardly know, things about money and costs of things and finances etc. She seems to ask in a way that I find myself saying it and then wishing I hadn’t.

The main issue I am having is with her daughter and mine. They are friendly, but her LO can be a bit unkind at times and often hurts my wee girls feelings. This used to be a bigger problem but my wee one is starting to distance herself from the friendship which is great. Recently my wee one started a certain type of dancing. It was great as she was making new friends, really enjoying it and it was somewhere away from this little girl. A few weeks ago she won a trophy and brought it into nursery, and when this LO seen it, she demanded to her mum that she also join this dancing. The mum took her out of another club and has now started at the dancing.

It is the kind of class where you wait inside for the dancing to be over. She brings along her smaller child and then it ends up the hour is spent with me entertaining him as she doesn’t seem to be able to keep him chilled while we wait for the girls to come out and he just wants to climb all over me instead.

She has started asking to take my little girl for me as a favour. I have said no each week, as I actually enjoy taking her and it gives me (before she started) an hour to chill and update my business socials.

i have a feeling this is because she will want a favour in return. Dancing competitions will be on weekends and she works weekends. I honestly do not want to end up having to take her little one every weekend, especially when she isnt a very nice little girl.

how do i get the point across politely that i will continue to take my wee girl, and I will not be offering to take hers when it comes to it?

am i being unreasonable for not wanting to get involved in this kind of situation before it is suggested?

The lady may be annoying, but a nursery age child is still very young and regulating their behaviours. So to say she’s not a very nice little girl is harsh

BallerinaRadio · 19/05/2025 17:51

All of these suggestions to avoid this and avoid that (go sit in your car?!) when really you just need to tell her the truth. You owe her anything she knows where she stands then.

mindutopia · 19/05/2025 17:57

Christ woman, boundaries. Just say no. If she tries to talk to you or get her child to use you as a climbing frame, say sorry I’m working right now (which you said you are). If you don’t physically need to be there, go sit in the car or something if you really can’t speak up. Say no thanks, I like to bring her myself because it gives me a quiet hour to get some work done. And repeat.

Ihavenonname · 19/05/2025 18:39

As a fellow “dance mum” to a teen who’s been in the circuit for years I wouldn’t expect anyone to take my child to comps. And I wouldn’t take others until they are mid teens and do not need parental input for anything - numbers, hair, costume changes, timings of categories, snack/loo breaks in time etc. it’s hardwork at comps & it’s the parents responsibility.

At dance class put headphones on state your online working & distance yourself.

Ihavenonname · 19/05/2025 18:41

Also at 14 my child still needs a lot of input for comps. It’s fast paced& busy AF most the time.

TooGoodToGoto · 19/05/2025 18:51

When you say a nursery age child demanded that her mum take her to dancing, how do you know that?

TBH, if she did, she’s got more ability to get stuff done than you! You just say, no, I don’t want you to take my daughter. No I’m not more able to keep your son chilled. Why are you even doing that?