Nursery mum getting involved in everything

[Itsaboutbeingawkward]

I will start this off by saying I am not the biggest social butterfly in the world, but I would say I am polite and happy to have a friendly chat, i just don’t go out of my way to make proper friends on the nursery run. I also apologise for the length of this!

There is one mum who I am struggling with. She is the kind of person who asks very prying questions and somehow as I am such an awkward turtle I have found in the past I have shared info I probably wouldn’t share with other people I hardly know, things about money and costs of things and finances etc. She seems to ask in a way that I find myself saying it and then wishing I hadn’t.

The main issue I am having is with her daughter and mine. They are friendly, but her LO can be a bit unkind at times and often hurts my wee girls feelings. This used to be a bigger problem but my wee one is starting to distance herself from the friendship which is great. Recently my wee one started a certain type of dancing. It was great as she was making new friends, really enjoying it and it was somewhere away from this little girl. A few weeks ago she won a trophy and brought it into nursery, and when this LO seen it, she demanded to her mum that she also join this dancing. The mum took her out of another club and has now started at the dancing.

It is the kind of class where you wait inside for the dancing to be over. She brings along her smaller child and then it ends up the hour is spent with me entertaining him as she doesn’t seem to be able to keep him chilled while we wait for the girls to come out and he just wants to climb all over me instead.

She has started asking to take my little girl for me as a favour. I have said no each week, as I actually enjoy taking her and it gives me (before she started) an hour to chill and update my business socials.

i have a feeling this is because she will want a favour in return. Dancing competitions will be on weekends and she works weekends. I honestly do not want to end up having to take her little one every weekend, especially when she isnt a very nice little girl.

how do i get the point across politely that i will continue to take my wee girl, and I will not be offering to take hers when it comes to it?

am i being unreasonable for not wanting to get involved in this kind of situation before it is suggested?

I mean, your instinct is probably right re the lifts but I often offer to take or collect other people's children without expecting anything in return.

That’s what I was going to suggest too. It kills two birds with one stone:
“ Thank you for the offer but in fact I find this a useful time to answer emails that require attention. It’s good to be somewhere with no distractions so I can focus on getting it done.”

Thus: no I’m not storing up favours with you AND please keep your Dc from distracting me.

Be firm. Dump her small child back on her and say you are watching your daughter.
Shut her down before she can even speak to you. Be rude if you have to (as in, no smile, no eye contact)

My dc are grown but I did find at dance and sports and even during school lunch when I visited there was always a clinger who despite having their parent right there or other classmates right there clung to me to the point I couldn’t focus on my child. Is she ignoring her child? Is he a child who talks non stop? He’s seeking attention from you becuse you have been nice to him. This will be hard but definetly extricate yourself physically from him and send him back to his mum. I don’t like other children touching me or hanging on me unless I explicitly reach for them. Lots of good advice re; the lifts and I think your gut and brain are correct she may be attempting to create favors that need returned. And 12 yrs of dance there is no way I’m helping with anyone’s hair costume changes or makeup and I was quite good at it but one dc was enough

I am not sure you were very clear, suggesting you might comply some time in the future. Why do that?

So this mum just seems like she’s trying to make a friend. I understand the hour is your time so tell her that.

I had this before. Our kids were in the same class (I knew them) she said to me sometimes ‘I’m not being rude but I have some work to do or I am on a teams call etc’ ok….perfect cos I get some time catching up too 😂

Just be honest and up front.

Have you tried just not replying to her messages?

i never thought id have to say no to the same question every week and run out of excuses why!

Do not give excuses! Own your actions and your wants/desires more. Be happy in who you are and don't pretend to be someone else, someone who would do what they are asking but... You are someone who does not want to do what they are asking so just say "No, I don't really want to do that. But thank you."/"No. I like the current set up. But thank you."/"No, that doesn't work for us. But thank you."

You are right, she's annoying, not your type of person and totally fine not to take her daughter. However, honestly, nursery is such a short period, they're so young, they'll change hobbies constantly because most 7 yr olds don't enjoy what they enjoyed at 3 or 4, and once they're all at different schools you'll literally never remember her name or think about her again so why are you so scared of setting firm boundaries, dont worry about offending her or being rude, it wont matter long term. Just politely say no thanks no reason needed and avoid her son by reading a book, playing on your phone or taking a laptop and saying you've work to do. Or hide in the car park. It's fine to be civil and almost totally ignore her and within 2 years you'll never see or think about her again, you will encounter similar issues at primary school and you'll need to practice being OK saying no!

Yes and no.

First, my kids are 9, 5, and 1. Kids that are in that 3-5 age range are generally nuts. They're arguing one minute, best friends the next. My 9-year-old used to come home at that age saying that this friend did that, that friend did this, never talking to them again, then they were best buddies the next morning, and that's what happens now with my 5-year-old. You shouldn't hold a grudge against a child that age for hurting your daughter's feelings, it will only make you look like a nut job and isolate your daughter as she gets older because parents won't want their kids around you.

Second, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to carpool, but in an emergency you might very well find yourself alone. I've had to go to the hospital half a dozen times for life and death medical emergencies over the past year and a half and without that village of parents, my kids would have ended up in foster care temporarily while I fought for my life.

Ok this will sound harsh but you are an adult. This other mum is an annoying nosey know it all. Just tell her "hey I actually enjoy my time with my child and don't need assistance to get her to class. I would also appreciate your other child not climbing on me as I'm actually working whilst I wait...thanks though"