Nursery mum getting involved in everything

[Itsaboutbeingawkward]

I will start this off by saying I am not the biggest social butterfly in the world, but I would say I am polite and happy to have a friendly chat, i just don’t go out of my way to make proper friends on the nursery run. I also apologise for the length of this!

There is one mum who I am struggling with. She is the kind of person who asks very prying questions and somehow as I am such an awkward turtle I have found in the past I have shared info I probably wouldn’t share with other people I hardly know, things about money and costs of things and finances etc. She seems to ask in a way that I find myself saying it and then wishing I hadn’t.

The main issue I am having is with her daughter and mine. They are friendly, but her LO can be a bit unkind at times and often hurts my wee girls feelings. This used to be a bigger problem but my wee one is starting to distance herself from the friendship which is great. Recently my wee one started a certain type of dancing. It was great as she was making new friends, really enjoying it and it was somewhere away from this little girl. A few weeks ago she won a trophy and brought it into nursery, and when this LO seen it, she demanded to her mum that she also join this dancing. The mum took her out of another club and has now started at the dancing.

It is the kind of class where you wait inside for the dancing to be over. She brings along her smaller child and then it ends up the hour is spent with me entertaining him as she doesn’t seem to be able to keep him chilled while we wait for the girls to come out and he just wants to climb all over me instead.

She has started asking to take my little girl for me as a favour. I have said no each week, as I actually enjoy taking her and it gives me (before she started) an hour to chill and update my business socials.

i have a feeling this is because she will want a favour in return. Dancing competitions will be on weekends and she works weekends. I honestly do not want to end up having to take her little one every weekend, especially when she isnt a very nice little girl.

how do i get the point across politely that i will continue to take my wee girl, and I will not be offering to take hers when it comes to it?

am i being unreasonable for not wanting to get involved in this kind of situation before it is suggested?

The mother is a cf and needs telling no.

She has started asking to take my little girl for me as a favour.

I agree that the OP should say no, but CF? Really?

Yeah if you are feeling too awkward about setting boundaries you just need to have a list of things to say in your head and rotate through them. Personally I’m always up for some carpooling but I have two children with very irritatingly timed hobbies so it needs a collective effort! But if you aren’t up for it (and remember this wee girl might be quite different away from her parents, many children are and she’s still really young) then just avoid her altogether. Sit somewhere slightly further out with a laptop. Bring a book. Be on the phone or texting furiously. Walk away if the tiny one starts bothering you. There might be years and years of this ahead so best to be firm now!

Yeah, this

I feel sorry for her as she's probably having a hard time making friends. But that shouldn't be to your detriment.

Polite distance i think x

I just can't understand why you let her sit there whilst you deal with her other child for an hour. Learn to speak up.

If you're not actually watching the dancing, be busy. Go to the car to 'make a call', carry on doing your business socials and don't entertain her little one. Sit in a way that makes it hard for him to climb on you. Don't let her take your daughter and say that your daughter likes you to take her. Just maintain a distance and she'll get the message.

i know because when she seen my wee one with the trophy she said what was it for and when my girl said dancing she turned to her mum and said i want to go to this dancing too and stomped her wee foot 😂 then that night I had an instagram message from her asking more about the dancing. She was already attending a different activity that night with another nursery child and by the week later that was cancelled and they had joined the dancing.

i know it seems like lifts could be beneficial, but honestly it is just not for me. I like children, but I don’t want the responsibility of anyone elses child and i don’t want anyone else to be responsible for my own. If we cant make it to dancing one night i would rather she missed it than expect someone else to take her.

i admit at the beginning i was probably should have set more firm boundaries, but i never thought id have to say no to the same question every week and run out of excuses why!

i will be taking myself for a walk while the dancing is on and working on my phone if its bad weather. I find it hard to say no to the other child as he always talks to me in the mornings and i dont want to be rude to him! But it has quite literally at times been a case of her on her phone and the child talking away/playing with me instead.

I can’t imagine being this passive. Just ignore her and her younger child. If child tries to engage you shoo them away / ask her to grab her child. And say no to her offer. I suspect you’re being way too nice leading her to believe you want this. I also suspect you’re correct re your suspicions of her long term game. Again just no, we can’t help, sorry. No lies or justification. You really don’t owe this woman anything. It’s not rude.

You’re being too wet! FGS, going for a walk! Just bloody say no, I’m working.

Life is full of annoying people.

You're an adult. Just say no thanks. Practice in the mirror if you need to.

You’ll meet more pushy people in future so here’s a chance to grow your confidence by speaking up for yourself and your child.

When I was younger and my children were younger I was so confident and full of chat and looking to make friendships for myself and my kids and I will admit I probably came across overpowering to some.

I do remember one mother in a waiting room standing up and saying that she couldn't deal with me and my ways and that she would be spending her time going forward waiting in the car 😳 I was so embarrassed but the message got through to me and I toned things down and kept to myself. Maybe something like this but a bit less abrupt?

Now I'm older I want people to leave me alone but they won't 🤣

I recall when I was in training I was very lucky and my parents gave me the deposit for a flat. It irked my bosses no end anx I would get very intrusive questions: was I renting? Did I own? Did I share? I would answer each question differently but with sincerity: “my cousin died and left it to me” “My father bet big on a horse in the Grand National” etc. Eventually they gossiped, compared notes, and shut up. No more questions!

Your idea of walking off with your phone is perfect. Exactly right - You have other things to do and no time to be brow-beaten by this woman or having to babysit her son.

This is what I don't miss about having school age children.
Luckily I know that she will find another victim soon , they always do.
Just wait until she gets bored , she will.

"hi annoying mum, I am going to sit down here on my own as I need to catch up with business socials." Earphones in and off you go.

I would just keep saying that you don't need her to take your child to the class/you like taking her etc. It's a bit of a leap to assume she's only offering because she wants you to take her daughter to competitions in the future. Just wait and see if she asks you directly. Don't overthink it.

I also think saying she's not a very nice girl is unfair, she's nursery aged so she's still learning and developing.

I have come across this type before.... They don't take no for an answer.. and offering a favour is often the way they con you into doing a favour that becomes one , two, three.... if you can take their child to something one week, then you can take them every week.

Your gut is telling you it's uncomfortable.. the intrusive questioning... that's usually when they press on through polite attempts to divert them until you run out of evasive answers and end up saying something that they then question again and so it goes...

As the others have said... steer clear as much as possible.
It may seem blunt to the point of rudeness to say "No I'd rather not." and they will press you for reasons why and then try to solve or belittle the reason so that you have no excuse not to..
The only way to cut it off when you get to the why not? stage is
Because I just don't want to.

It feels terribly rude, but its only at that stage when they see you won't cave that they give up... And they will be offended.. But that's better than being constantly badgered.

You've already sussed that she works weekends when the competitions are on.. that's a big clue... but you seem to have her measure.

I'm stealing awkward turtle

You sound so much like me! I completely understand what you're saying about lifts etc. and me and my partner always get stuck entertaining other people's kids aswell. I really urge you to put a stop to it the best you can now otherwise you will be really annoyed with yourself. Definitely do not enter into any kind of lift arrangement and just try and distance yourself for as long as it takes for her to get the message. Good luck!

You need to firm up. You shouldn't have to go for a walk when you want to be there to watch your child. Engage less with the younger child and if it's not working say "go ask your mummy" very pointedly when he's asking you questions or trying to engage you. Get on your phone more and be busy.

If she asks again about giving your child a lift just say "no thank you, I like bringing her". If she asks you again, say "no, I told you..." and sound/look confused about why she's asking again.

If she ever asks you to take her child just say "no, I don't feel comfortable taking responsibility for other people's children" before she's even finished asking the question.

Omg so you actually gave her the info?!

Why are you “having” to watch the younger child as well?

You really need better boundaries.

Focus your energy on your own child and her dance lessons. Take a book or magazine to the class and engross yourself in that rather than engaging in conversation and being a playmate for the other woman’s child. She obviously has a hidden agenda and I guess she is banking on you stepping in and taking her child to weekend competitions which may ultimately morph into yet further favours.

Just FYI, I’ve heard the same phrase referring to a difficult bowel motion, so probably best not to steal it 😂

OP, I think you need to cool things down gradually. It’s very possible that this woman saw you answering all her questions as the two of you building a friendship. She might not have realised you don’t want her in your face like this. So, block her questions politely; take a book or whatever to the dance class and tell her you want/need to read or work. I’d spend 5 minutes being polite to her, then say you need to do X. That’s a gentler way to signal you’re not interested.

Headphones in while you’re working? Laptop on your lap, so the baby can’t approach you?

Time to do a Phoebe.