Do you let yourself cry in front of your kids?

[Gwanwyn1]

Ok so after school drop off this morning, I am currently feeling terrible, I fear of being labeld as some sort of emotionally manipulative mother for crying in front of my DS! DS (nearly 9) is a very whiny child. Whines about everything that is nothing. This morning he started to whine at me before my eyes had properly opened. He whined about wanting the tv on, whined about wanting his Ipad, whined about what I was making him for breakfast, whined about getting dressed, whined about his dad going to work! (when I say whine, I mean he goes full out and makes my life a misery) he wont wear pants atm only boxers, all his boxers were in the wash/on the line so I took him a clean pair of pants, he lost it at me, I mean screeching ! and I had enough! I burst into tears and I told my DS that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely,extremely unhappy ! I told him this was getting silly and asked him to stop and to pull himself together and if there was nothing really wrong to please stop to consider how he was talking to me! He quickly pulled himself together, ate all his breakfast, read his books, packed his school bag and went to the car without a word. I mean, i feel this did him the world of good, but we are told not to cry in front of our children? Not to show them how we feel? Not to get sucked in? Do you tell yoyr kids how you feel? Cry in front of them etc? My mother never cried in front of us but I dont feel she did us any favours, I grew up thinking I had to be strong and accept things.

I think you did exactly the right thing. Kids don’t need to be wrapped up, and protected at all costs from knowing that their behaviour can be upsetting.

I think you have had a somewhat liberating moment, and your son will be fine. Life is a slog sometimes and we cant swim with dolphins every day, kids need to know that too.

My parents never cried in front of me. Except I do remember finding my mum crying in her room once and because I'd never seen it before it deeply upset me. I don't think it did me any favours either. On the other hand I think if I allowed the children to see me cry, every time i did, this wouldn't be great for them either. It's about balance, like most things I suppose!

I think it’s fine as long as it’s not for emotional manipulation which it wasn’t in your case, you had just got to the end of your tether.

It sounds like he needed a good telling off and to see how he upsets you. He is more than capable of doing those things for himself.

I have cried in front of mine as I think it’s important they grow up knowing how to deal with emotions. I have met people who can’t express themselves emotionally and find them quite damaging to be around.

I think in that case it was fine.

I grew up seeing my mum cry all the time and I hated it. I felt like I couldn’t go to her with problems because she was always so upset with her own. She is still a crier now- cries in work a lot, over everything at home. It used to really embarrass me when I was a child. So I can’t cry in front of my own kids- can’t bring myself to although I don’t think it’s a bad thing to cry every now and again

I've never cried in front of my kids, actually I don't cry in front of anyone. It's a personal thing for me, I like to keep my feelings hidden. But also I wouldn't respond to the situation in OP by crying. I would speak firmly and calmly, to stop things escalating.

Its usually how I react, but it’s never worked. I think the shock factor of seeing me cry today made him pull himself together x

At 9 he's old enough to understand that his behaviour impacts other people. I don't think you did anything wrong but then I'm not a fan of parenting advice that promotes the mother putting on a fake Stepford Wife like demeanor when her kids are misbehaving.

Its not great to be overly emotional in front of children on a regular basis but sometimes shit happens.

I don't think this was emotionally manipulative, you had 9 years of this shit.
Of course, I don't imagine crying becoming a regular response whenever he's being hardwork, for one it will stop being impactful and make him resentful and for 2 there will be even more shit in the teenage years so I would try a different parenting method or routine method to minimise drama eg: no pants at all and laundry is done in a timely fashion, he could help with house chores to enable this or at least set his clothes the night before. The TV and breakfast thing should be part of a routine, maybe even write a post it on the TV of when he can watch it or tell him the night before of his breakfast options and then only have simple 2 or 3 options and that is it. When he whines he can read the post it note. You could also have earplugs, they don't block every noise completely but lessen the intensity of whiny voices or even straight up wear headphones with music or a podcast or something on days you feel you can't face more whining.

And i only saw my dad cry when he was drunk, mum cried over sad news on the tv. Both were really cold and unemotional towards us, telling us we're dramatic, we're overreacting, we're too sensitive. As a result, I went through a stage of only crying when I drank as couldn't cry when sober.

I think you sound like a fantastic mum ❤️

I think its a good thing (not all the time obviously, or to be manipulative as PP says), but they need to understand that you're not a parental robot that they can treat however they want - you do get overwhelmed / frustrated etc. Especially at 9yrs old. He wouldn't speak to friends / teachers that way.

I have cried in front of mine many times.

Sometimes in the type of situation you describe, and sometimes nothing to do with them, but when I am stressed and tired. But I do make it clear I am OK, so I don't panic them, but I have tears running down my face and I can't help it.
I hope this hasn't damaged them (they don't seem too phased). But to be honest I can't really help it. I also think (hope) it might be resilience, that they can see that adults have problems too but that we can put them into perspective and be fine, even if there is a level of upset at the time.

In your case I think it sounds absolutely fine. I think he needs to realise there are consequences to his actions, and you are not a robot - he needs to be considerate of you as much as he would be of others at school etc.

It was an honest reaction. If you used tears to get your children to do certain things that wouldn’t be good, but that’s not what happened here.

I don’t think you’ve done any harm, he needs to see you’re a person with feelings. My DS is 9 and aware of his behaviour and its impact. You sound like a very good mum, don’t you dare beat yourself up!

I do, but it depends on the circumstances and whether it's a situation I need to shield them from. We all have feelings, it's okay to show emotions.

It's healthy for older children to know how their behaviour impacts other people. Hiding emotions all the time is as damaging as letting them flow unmanaged.

I think it's a bit of a 'My actions have consequences' learning experience for your son. People aren't endlessly tolerant, even parents aren't.

My mum was pretty lousy to me, but it wasn't because she cried in front of me occasionally, it was because she was mentally unwell and generally could not control herself. You want to avoid the big nasty emotional blow ups and regulate yourself emotionally. I don't think losing it after being pushed endlessly is that.

Part of parenting is building a lifelong relationship with your children, and I think an important part of that is letting them see you as a human being, rather than a generic parenting machine. This means showing them your personality, who you are and your authentic feelings. Obviously within this you need to be self aware and reflect on your behaviour to ensure you are not indulging in excessive emotion. But the occasional display of emotion is part and parcel of you, and they will learn from that about you as a person which I think makes for a stronger more genuine relationship.

The fact you're even questioning this means you're a good Mum I reckon 🙂

I have cried in front of my kids. They've asked what the matter is and I've told them what's making me sad. I haven't however cried in front of them because they've made me unhappy (I more tend to get annoyed and irritated when that happens, rather than cry, so it's not that I disagree with it, just that I haven't!).

I think at 9yrs old your son need to be aware that he can be so unpleasant that it can have a real detriment on others' feelings. You are there to love him and help him – yes, sometimes be his punching bag too, but not over breakfast, getting dressed and a morning routine.

I do, not often, but it reminds them that I'm only human.

Sometimes it is healthy to cry and sometimes not.

However this to an 8yo child: I burst into tears and I told my DS that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely,extremely unhappy ! I told him this was getting silly and asked him to stop and to pull himself together and if there was nothing really wrong to please stop to consider how he was talking to me! is absolutely not ok. You need to consider how the message that your child is making you unhappy will be received by him. You need to learn to manage your own emotions more maturely.

My mother never cried in front of us but I dont feel she did us any favours, I grew up thinking I had to be strong and accept things. But you're not 'strong' and you don't 'accept things' - you burst into tears and blame your son for your feelings.

The phrase 'pull yourself together' really belongs in the bin. It's a shitty thing to say, even more so to a young child.

I mean he received it, and he did pull himself together quite quickly. I don't usually react that way to him, but today I did really have enough. And thank you for the assumption that I am not strong thats really not kind, This really was a one off incident.

I've never stopped myself crying in from of my children. There's situations where it's not appropriate- e.g. I don't think kids should be dragged into adult relationships and arguments- but in most cases, it's healthy for them to see that you have emotions, can process those emotions, and feel better.

In this case, he's 8 and 8 yos are very egotistical. He was only thinking about his own wants and had completely forgotten that you are also a person, not just a robot for the purpose of serving him. This was a reminder that his actions affect other people and completely healthy imo.