Do you let yourself cry in front of your kids?

[Gwanwyn1]

Ok so after school drop off this morning, I am currently feeling terrible, I fear of being labeld as some sort of emotionally manipulative mother for crying in front of my DS! DS (nearly 9) is a very whiny child. Whines about everything that is nothing. This morning he started to whine at me before my eyes had properly opened. He whined about wanting the tv on, whined about wanting his Ipad, whined about what I was making him for breakfast, whined about getting dressed, whined about his dad going to work! (when I say whine, I mean he goes full out and makes my life a misery) he wont wear pants atm only boxers, all his boxers were in the wash/on the line so I took him a clean pair of pants, he lost it at me, I mean screeching ! and I had enough! I burst into tears and I told my DS that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely,extremely unhappy ! I told him this was getting silly and asked him to stop and to pull himself together and if there was nothing really wrong to please stop to consider how he was talking to me! He quickly pulled himself together, ate all his breakfast, read his books, packed his school bag and went to the car without a word. I mean, i feel this did him the world of good, but we are told not to cry in front of our children? Not to show them how we feel? Not to get sucked in? Do you tell yoyr kids how you feel? Cry in front of them etc? My mother never cried in front of us but I dont feel she did us any favours, I grew up thinking I had to be strong and accept things.

Sounds like that was a good lesson for him in understanding how his behaviour affects other people.

What nonsense. In this circumstance, his behaviour was unacceptable and he WAS to blame for the way she was feeling.

We are not doing our children any favours by telling them that they are not responsible for the feelings of other people. If we treat other people badly then we are responsible for how that makes them feel.

The absolute irony of saying that telling a child throwing multiple tantrums to get his own way should not be told to pull themselves together, but then coming here to tell OP she must always be pulled together and not express her emotions is particularly galling.

I think it’s quite important for children to understand that the need to cry at times is really really normal and perfectly healthy (depending on the reason for the tears obviously)
I cry in front of mine, I always explain to DC why I’m crying and how I’m feeling and that crying will help me feel better afterwards and that it happens when there is too much emotion to contain.
My mother would never dream of crying in front of me even now, all emotion is bad in her opinion. She was a mother that did and still does a lot for me, practically speaking, but she’s cold and robotic and we have a terrible relationship, transactional and completely lacking in feeling. I think there might be a link.

I think this kind of backs up a video I’ve seen.
it was one of those podcast type clips where someone was talking about never showing your kids emotion. Never showing sadness or grief or anything other than slapping on a brave face is like lying to your kids that everything is always fine and that the world is rosey, which doesn’t prepare them for the real world of friendships, relationships and loss in the long term, but also that masking your feelings is the way to go. That you always have to be brave and not let things affect you, which then have consequences like in this post.

I've cried a few times infront of ds's. It's a healthy emotional release, and I'm pleased they've seen me cry.

Didn’t cry on purpose to manipulate him though, you cried because you lost your shit and we all do sometimes!
I’m a shouter not a crier so when I do shout I’ll have a subsequent calm conversation, apologise raising my voice and try to explain that while I love DC, I do not like the behaviour. Separating the behaviour from the child “you are not frustrating, the whining is” seems to work quite well for us and gives DC agency to change “I’m changing my behaviour, not my personality”.

You are a person too and I think it's good for DS to know there is a limit. He can't just push and push indefinitely, to you or anyone else. You have shown him people will crack, and better you than someone at school who's got so frustrated they give him a shove.
Later, I would sit him down and explain why you got upset, apologise if he was scared by it, and explain that you find the whining really difficult. Ask him to help you both think of solutions for whining. Could he speak what he wants, could he try singing, could he get it himself, etc. Obvious things, clearly, but just to get him to be part of the solution and help him realise this behaviour is within his power to change.

I didn't say she must pull herself together, I said as an adult she should try to manage her emotions more maturely.

Crying - fine.
Blaming a young child for an adult's emotional response - not fine.

The OPs words were the issue, rather than her tears. The OP is probably not dealing with the issue early enough, then getting overwhelmed. She could usefully learn to handle her emotions better to avoid lashing out.

Shutting your kids down with tears and harsh words is not good parenting, everyone knows this. So tell them earlier and more calmly what they're doing wrong.

Yes. My kids have seen all my emotions the hugs and lows because I want them to know it’s ok to let it out. I don’t want them bottling up their feelings

I must have missed the memo being told not to cry in front of our DC. We have had bereavements, I've been overly tired and messed up the dinner, I've been hormonal, I've been sad when clearing out DD's old toys....etc.

How do you react usually when he whines? If you don't correct him then suddenly losing the plot with him about a feature of his speaking that he's not been told is wrong/annoying will obviously shock him. DD went through a whining phase but we always just said something like "I can't understand you when you speak like that, please speak like a big girl" and she would shift to a more normal tone.

(Hit post by accident so edited) I'm sure he did stop, your words were harsh.

But it would be better to frame things 'I feel upset, I find this hard, I don't like this' not 'you do this, you do that, you upset me'.

Kids deserve to be treated with respect really, and the adults should try to model good communication.

Just apologise for losing it and try something less emotional next time.

I agree with this. I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with occasionally crying in front of your children, and, as several PPs have said, repressing your emotions too much isn't modelling good emotional regulation either.

It is important to remember however that it can be deeply unsettling and actually very frightening for a child to see their parent cry. It certainly sounds like your DS was shocked and upset, which in the moment actually triggered some positive and much needed change in his behaviour. If I were you though I would take the time to have a little chat with him about it later, and reassure him that all is well, as @Helluvabrush describes.

Basically, seeing adults getting a little upset is absolutely healthy as long as you then model to them the process of self reflection and regaining perspective. It's only managing when it is manipulative and the child feels burdened, or when there is pattern of big blowups followed by sweeping things under the carpet.

He’s been corrected on his whining, tried to explore if there is anything else wrong/is he tired/something wrong at school etc, so he has been told, but it obviously was not sinking in enough to change. This morning shocked him as it was a real “oh dear I need to stop this” moment for him, he doesnt usually see me like that, i think quite frankly i have just been too soft on him, and he has started to take advantage of that. My mother never really cried in front of us, she went through cancer/secondary breast cancer etc when we were kids growing up and teenagers, i wish she had been more open and honest about her own feelings so I could have been more considerate of her.

He did do it.

If I was to spend a whole day criticising and nitpicking at my husband and he says, "You're making me feel awful and ruining my day," then that is completely valid and my responsibility. He wouldn't just be randomly feeling upset, I'm making him upset, and I would need to own that and take control of my emotions.

If my daughter is being treated badly by someone I don't want her to give a wishy-washy response about feeling upset as if it's her fault. I want her to say clearly, "You are doing this and it's making me feel like this, stop it."

It will do your child no harm to understand and see he has pushed you too far. He sounds very hard work.

A fictional discussion between two adults is irrelevant, this wasn't two adults.

I don't feel bursting into tears and using blame is ever a recommended approach, have never seen it in a parenting book.

No doubt he shut up fast. That doesn't actually mean it was a helpful interaction.

All the OP needs to do is work out why she lost it and apologise.

But surley then he would wonder why I feel upset? Whats hard? What dont I like? Surley he would be confused by that? I think adults need to teach children that everyone should be treated with respect, how can my son grow up to be a respectful person if he is never taught that his words and actions have consequences and have the ability to upset others?

I certainly will have a conversation with him this afternoon.

Obviously it's not in a parenting book, it's an authentic interaction. You can't advise someone to deliberately cry, that's false and manipulative.

He was to blame. He made his Mum feel miserable. Just because he's a child doesn't mean he doesn't have that capability and it's a good idea to learn at a young age the impact that your actions have on others.

She doesn't need to apologise for being upset. We are teaching our children to express and articulate their emotions and to hold someone accountable when they hurt you. We do that primarily by modelling, which is exactly what she did.

Going off and crying in secret is shielding him from the natural consequences of his behaviour.

He can be, he is also extremely witty and very smart, but yes hard work.

Crying is a normal part of life. I think it’s normal for children to see their parents crying now and then.

He's 9. He needs to understand his behaviour impacts others. He isn't a toddler. Invoke Mrs doasyoubedoneby.

But your response was too much.

Do you want him to do that to you too - when he's upset he bursts into tears and rants?

Your sudden reaction suggests you had failed to manage and express your feelings early enough. Respond earlier and more calmly. Leave the room if you're getting overwhelmed.

Crying in front of your kids because you have a problem/illness/worry is completely different - and of course you should express like that. But crying because you've got tipped over the edge isn't ideal. Just apologise for losing your cool and find ways to express earlier and more calmly.

Yes, if I had been effectively bullying my daughter all morning, I would hope she would feel comfortable to let herself cry and tell me straight that I was making her unhappy with my actions.

She modelled a negative.

No one is suggesting parents shouldn't cry, or cry in secret, you're projecting something there.