Do you let yourself cry in front of your kids?

[Gwanwyn1]

Ok so after school drop off this morning, I am currently feeling terrible, I fear of being labeld as some sort of emotionally manipulative mother for crying in front of my DS! DS (nearly 9) is a very whiny child. Whines about everything that is nothing. This morning he started to whine at me before my eyes had properly opened. He whined about wanting the tv on, whined about wanting his Ipad, whined about what I was making him for breakfast, whined about getting dressed, whined about his dad going to work! (when I say whine, I mean he goes full out and makes my life a misery) he wont wear pants atm only boxers, all his boxers were in the wash/on the line so I took him a clean pair of pants, he lost it at me, I mean screeching ! and I had enough! I burst into tears and I told my DS that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely,extremely unhappy ! I told him this was getting silly and asked him to stop and to pull himself together and if there was nothing really wrong to please stop to consider how he was talking to me! He quickly pulled himself together, ate all his breakfast, read his books, packed his school bag and went to the car without a word. I mean, i feel this did him the world of good, but we are told not to cry in front of our children? Not to show them how we feel? Not to get sucked in? Do you tell yoyr kids how you feel? Cry in front of them etc? My mother never cried in front of us but I dont feel she did us any favours, I grew up thinking I had to be strong and accept things.

That's fine then.
I think this is more in response to some people on this thread suggesting it is a helpful parenting tactic to make kids feel guilty about whinging.
Of course it's fine to express natural human emotions in front of a child when you can't help it.
It's only a problem if it's happening often in a way that makes the child ashamed of expressing their own emotions.
Coz kids cannot help feeling intense emotions out of proportion sometimes.
You sound like a good mum.
I was just worried by some commenters not just saying it was OK but thinking it's a positive in this situation (in reaction to a child's behaviour... obviously it's totally different if it's a reaction to other things such as bereavement)

I don't think you were being emotionally manipulative. You were showing the effect that his behaviour was having on you. Yes, as the adult it's your job to be in control of your emotions, but you are still a human being and kids need to understand that.

I think there's a bit of a modern tendency for parents to sort of paper over all their emotions and be some sort of perfectly regulated emotional example and I'm not sure that's actually helpful. Yes, I mean the TikToks.

How will he learn empathy or compassion if he doesn’t ever see the consequences of his behaviour? Yes. He can make people he loves cry. No, I don’t think we should use crying all the time as that is emotional manipulation, but it’s still okay to show emotion. Someone mentioned demonstrating emotional regulation yourself. Well to me, that means not holding it in all the time, but maybe you should be communicating how he’s making you feel and why it makes you feel that way long before you burst into tears. If he was your husband you couldn’t expect him to read your mind about what’s upsetting you and would communicate your needs and feelings if you were unhappy, so that’s even more the case when dealing with someone not old enough or emotionally intelligent enough to see how their behaviour makes others feel.
What is good is that he was affected by upsetting you, so that means he doesn’t want to upset you but he just doesn’t realise he is doing it. So start verbalising your feelings more- the good ones and the bad ones. Give him labels for feelings so he is also able to communicate them back to you when he’s frustrated or angry or upset or disappointed.

I don't think its helpful either. For one thing, children can often read us enough to know that all is not well with us. Attempts to conceal it can cause more anxiety than being transparent so they understand properly what's going on with us. In all the push for perfection I think there's a danger of showing children something quite hollow and false. If you want a true and strong bond with the people they will grow up to be, you have to let them see you and know you.

How will he learn empathy or compassion if he doesn’t ever see the consequences of his behaviour?

This. Do we want our children to view people around them as robot support machines? Non player characters? No, we want them to learn empathy and that the other members of the family matter too.

I like "when...then..."

When you complain about all these things [breakfast, underwear etc], that makes me feel sad and unappreciated.
When you accept second-best, [breakfast etc] I really appreciate that. I can't always give you your first choice.

If this is said in tears or an exasperated tone, hey ho. I can't meet impossible standards

Yes but you seem to have decided inside your imagination that I don't think kids should be accountable. I think they should be. I just think the OP handled this badly.

I'm not taking your silly label. Just express your own view and accept you don't know who you're talking to. No idea if I'm 'modern' in your worldview, do you have a cut off date for that? I feel ancient.

This I burst into tears and I told my DS that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely,extremely unhappy ! I told him this was getting silly and asked him to stop and to pull himself together and if there was nothing really wrong to please stop to consider how he was talking to me! is not 'I' language, you've misunderstood the meaning somewhere.

My suggestion is the OP sets clearer boundaries, enforces them earlier and doesn't get to the stage where she's losing it.

But everyone has an off day, just apologise and start again.

Don't apologise op, that would be very confusing for him I think. You said your bit, he understood it, now just pile on the praise for good behaviour over the next few days

As long as he knows there's no issues between you; I'd say it'll be fine. He now knows that whining isn't a good trait.

When my DC drove me to tears like your DS did then, yes, I would cry in front of them! DC need to know that we, as parents, are not impervious to their moods and tantrums.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies :) picked DS up from school, meaning to have a chat with him, but he started the conversation in the car with “I'm sorry about this morning mum,” I said no need to apologies and I was sorry as well but could he see that it really was getting too much and why i ask him to consider how he speaks, he said “yeah… i don’t know why i do it” let out a massive fart and laughed. No damage done.

That's a lovely outcome op!

Instead of apologising (as you did nothing wrong), sometimes what I do after moments like this is make a point of mentioning how much I enjoy dc's company [when they're not whining].

I'm taking you to the park later! Can't wait to play ball with you.
Isn't it fun, I love bus rides with you!

Aw! (Apart from the fart 🤣)

There we go. A good outcome.

Mums are human too!

I voted YANBU because that would drive me nuts, and clearly the lad needed a short, sharp reality check.

There's another route between suffering stoically in silence and crying, and that is expressing anger. I wouldn't have cried - I'd have shouted at him.

I think kids sometimes need to be told in no uncertain terms that they are being dicks and what behaviour you expect of them.

Parents who turn the other cheek are not going to get medals for their patience - the teachers and others who have to deal with them on a daily basis wish they'd pull rank more often, tbf.

Don't applogise for your respo se this morning. The child needed what you gave him, and you needed to let it rip too.

Children are far more resilient than we give then credit for.

YES!!

I agree.

You can easily spot the kids who have been pandered to their whole lives and treated like delicate blossoms whose caregivers think their would wither and collapse if they heard a forceful, 'Stop that nonsense right now!' or a very stern lecture on the topic of acceptable vs unacceptable traits, habits, and behaviour.

The only time my DD9 has seen me cry is when we’ve lost a pet and when our elderly dog got diagnosed with diabetes. I just don’t ever feel like I want to cry other than these times.

If I wanted to cry, I would though. I think it’s important for children to see us upset occasionally. They see us upset, they then see us bounce back and this is really good for them imo. You are not being unreasonable op & I hope you feel better for it!🙂

I have cried before…. Twice. My son. ADHD. Enough said!

is he your only child op?
it is a good sign that he was empathetic to your tears and got himself into shape sharpish

is he better this morning OP?

I know that the thread has fizzled out but my DS20 made me cry this week. Not because he was mean but because he rang me up to tell me how amazing the scenery was as he drove through Wales to spend a couple of days with a friend.

Parenting is tough and while they are young and whining or truly driving you mad you often wonder how they are going to turn out at the end of it all. Well, despite all the advise, books or parenting styles, ultimately they often end up being very similar to you.

Years of stopping just to admire a view or exploring the world or just taking time out to smell the flowers pays off, when your 6’3” rugby playing son rings you up just to tell you how wonderful the view is.

I will add that like many of his age group he struggled with his mental health mid teens, due to the pandemic and was suicidal at one point. He even went as far as writing a suicide note and disappearing off. Thankfully one of his friends phoned him and talked him down. Now, five years on, he h appears to have “got his shit together” and is loving life again.

I cried quite a bit during his “suicide era” as did he. I didn’t hide my feelings and he was able to open up. We still check in with regard to mental health. I had breast cancer not long after Covid and it was a huge turning point for him. He change from a “what about me” teenager to an almost adult over night. I loved my little boy but I’m really enjoying the adult version even if I don’t see much of him nowadays.

Children need to experience a full range of emotions. They learn so much from watching how parents deal with every situation. There is a time and a place for gentle conversation, just as there is a time for hysterical screaming when they have a serious near miss. And they need to see you laugh, cry and lose it at times to learn that no one is perfect.

It's not great but if he's pushed you to your limits then crying is fine, much better then screaming or spanking. And it worked and showed and he can do all of these things which is what strikes me most about this.

I'm a strong believer that anything a child can do for themselves they should do, and that a lot of whining is frustration at not being allowed or feeling able to do so or in a way that makes them feel in control of themselves. For example...

Clothes - have four sets on a child height rail with a box of pants for him to choose, and a laundry basket for him to put his clothes in after

Breakfast - have four cereals or whatever else he eats at a breakfast station he can reach for him to choose also set the clear expectation of where he puts his bowl after (sink, dishwasher, box for dirty)

School bag, coat and shoes - have his own child height pegs in the hall for him to pick up and put back

I also think it's on the Dad to set the standards for a son on how he behaves including to his own mother. So it should be him thya goes right son you're going to do getting ready for school a bit differently now you're a bigger lad...

Nine years and this is the first time you've lost it like that? You're not manipulative, you're a friggin legend. I've got three (9, 5, and 1) and cry-yelling is my default setting! Okay, no, I'm joking about that last part, but yes, it's totally okay and even healthy to cry in front of your kids and it's totally okay to be honest with them about your feelings when it's age appropriate.

Our kids look to us to teach them how to express emotions and interact with others, when you hide how annoying they're being from them, they do it in other situations and then don't understand why people are upset. And whining at 9 will get him teased by his peers. My 5-year-old is just growing out of that phase of constant whining, but some is normal from time to time of course. I'm 43 and whine on occasion.

You're totally not being unreasonable.

What I do - if this helps at all - is say "I have old ears and can't understand you when you whine. Please talk in a big girl/boy voice so I can understand you." If they whine after that I just keep saying "What??" like a deaf old granny.

Also, any time you feel unsure of your parenting, I recommend watching Bluey. I'm in love with the parents. There's one episode called Whale Watching which is basically about trying to parent while hungover, it's fantastic.

I agree with this.

Your DS is being a whiney little git and I bet he doesn't speak to his teachers this way.

Chin up and good luck ❤️

Who said we're not allowed to cry in front of our DC? I wouldn't and never have used tears to manipulate anyone but people have feelings and you've shown your DS how his behaviour is affecting you.
Later on, give him a big hug, tell him how much you love him and that's going forward you'd like him to behave better.

Sounds like your ds has got into the habit of whining and perhaps this will be the short, sharp shock he needs to get him out of it! He can clearly function without whining… Hope it continues.
So, YANBU at all.