Do you let yourself cry in front of your kids?

[Gwanwyn1]

Ok so after school drop off this morning, I am currently feeling terrible, I fear of being labeld as some sort of emotionally manipulative mother for crying in front of my DS! DS (nearly 9) is a very whiny child. Whines about everything that is nothing. This morning he started to whine at me before my eyes had properly opened. He whined about wanting the tv on, whined about wanting his Ipad, whined about what I was making him for breakfast, whined about getting dressed, whined about his dad going to work! (when I say whine, I mean he goes full out and makes my life a misery) he wont wear pants atm only boxers, all his boxers were in the wash/on the line so I took him a clean pair of pants, he lost it at me, I mean screeching ! and I had enough! I burst into tears and I told my DS that I had enough of his whining every single bloody day and he was making me feel extremely,extremely unhappy ! I told him this was getting silly and asked him to stop and to pull himself together and if there was nothing really wrong to please stop to consider how he was talking to me! He quickly pulled himself together, ate all his breakfast, read his books, packed his school bag and went to the car without a word. I mean, i feel this did him the world of good, but we are told not to cry in front of our children? Not to show them how we feel? Not to get sucked in? Do you tell yoyr kids how you feel? Cry in front of them etc? My mother never cried in front of us but I dont feel she did us any favours, I grew up thinking I had to be strong and accept things.

Well of course i want him to be able cry in front of me if something is upsetting him or if im upsetting him! I dont want him to ever ever ever hide his true feelings from me, if im upsetting him, or if anyone is and he has tried to tell me but i just wasnt listening, and if he feels so upset and fustrated by this then honestly? Yes i would want him to come to me! My reaction was because my previous attempts to speak calmly to him about whining etc was not being listened to and it really was getting out of hand.

This! Of course i want my son yo cry to me! Not bottle up his feelings

Some parents seem to think they are still children.

Do you really not understand the difference between children and adults?

It is simply not the same. The child wasn't bullying his mother, he was behaving badly but in a way that is tolerated in his home and then there was a sudden big reaction.

The adult should really try to remember they're an adult and focus on behaviour.

Modelling a negative is ok i think sometimes, its showing our children that we are not perfect, parenting is hard, its tough and yes actions can hurt others.

Which part of my previous posts indicate that his behaviour is tolerated I'm sorry? He knows its not tolerated.

I don't feel you'll understand what I'm trying to explain but the reaction you gave him made him hide his feelings from you. You told him to 'pull himself together', and he did so.

What you did will encourage him towards the opposite of what you say you want to achieve.

A good basic book is 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' but there are millions of parenting resources that will explain the value of clear boundaries and calm conversation to you.

Sometimes children do need to be told to stop doing something or to behave themselves. It's not always possible to stop what you're doing and have a long discussion about emotions.

This morning he started to whine at me before my eyes had properly opened. He whined about wanting the tv on, whined about wanting his Ipad, whined about what I was making him for breakfast, whined about getting dressed, whined about his dad going to work! (when I say whine, I mean he goes full out and makes my life a misery) he wont wear pants atm only boxers, all his boxers were in the wash/on the line so I took him a clean pair of pants

This long paragraph lists repeat behaviour, clearly it is done on repeat in your household.

He wasn't actually upset though, he was whining to get his own way. In that case, yes, you should pull yourself together, adult or child.

I don't think we're going to agree here, because I totally and fundamentally disagree with the gentle parenting tenet that you are espousing here; that children do not have responsibility for the way they make others feel.

No, they are not adults, that is why it is our job to teach them things so they grow into good adults who take accountability for their behaviour and how that makes others feel.

Don't project your personal pet labels onto me. Read any good parenting book - they all say boundaries, consequences, calm conversation.

Of course kids should understand how they make people feel. But it's HOW to do it we're discussing here, not whether it should be done.

it is, but did I say its been tolerated? We have

I haven’t stopped myself from crying in front of mine. He has never actually been the cause of me crying, to be fair - but if I’m upset I will cry. Not very often but I have on occasion. I think it has taught him to be empathetic as he will come and give me a cuddle if he thinks I am upset. He is a very loving child.
I think you showed him perfectly that his actions have consequences. No bad thing.

The book you recommended and the viewpoint you are expressing are both within the category of gentle parenting. It's nothing to do with my personal pet labels and I have no issues with most of the principles of gentle parenting. The idea that children should not be held accountable for hurting feelings is very modern.

I agree with this!

OP, you are a human being. We can debate different parenting approaches till the sun goes down, but mums are people too with our own emotions and limits. Sometimes I’ve been so frustrated with a situation that I’ve cried about it. I’ve spoken to kids after and explained it, but crying is a natural human emotion, and we are humans just like our kids are. Don’t worry about it, the fact you are worried suggests you are the kind of parent who cares deeply and is very loving, so minor things like this are unimportant in the grand scheme of things.

My mum never cried in front of me, but I do wish she had been a bit more emotionally available when I was a child as I think she repressed a lot of real ‘humanness’ out of fear it would upset me. When in reality I think it would have perhaps allowed for more closeness at certain points of my childhood.

And I do count myself as a relatively gentle parent, I’ve read the books, I practice a lot of the stuff, but I’m not a robot. Sometimes I will react in a certain way, and that’s okay. Even the authors of these books, when you read them, have stories of times they have reacted in a way they wouldn’t tell others to.

Im sorry but I think I agree with @MrsSunshine2b here. Sometimes calm conversations long discussions don't work on certain children with some issues, and I think it was the case with my Son, he did need to see how his actions can affect and hurt others, and it wasn’t going to happen with me having a long discussions dont with him about it, in through one ear out through the other, he’s the same with anything you tell him, he doesn’t listen, you show him, it sinks in 🤷🏻‍♀️, I really did have enough this morning.

I think maybe what @verycloakanddaggers means is when you talk to him about it, separate him and your feelings about him from your feelings about the behaviour. So he knows you don’t dislike him, and he doesn’t make you feel sad, but when he behaves in a certain way that does make you feel sad, it’s the behaviour you don’t like, not the child.

Its so difficult as It’s a really fine distinction but I think it’s really important to let kids know that certain behaviours are not okay whilst also making sure they don’t internalise it as “I’m a naughty kid” or “I make my dad unhappy” for example.
Not sure if I’m making sense🤣

The OP listed specific behaviour on the part of her child and told him it was making her unhappy. She used I language, describing her own feelings. She spoke of his behaviour, she didn't reject him as a person. If you believe this to be damaging messenging, then what is your suggested alternative? That the OP puts up with the behaviour, pretends to be fine with it? Masks her true and not unreasonable reaction? Never points out the behaviour is problematic? So her child grows up to be an adult who doesn't understand the impact his negative behaviour has on others? Because at some point someone is going to make it very clear to him. Surely its best that that's the mother who loves him?

Obviously if you were doing this all the time it would be emotionally manipulative..
But you are a human being and didn't do it on purpose.
But do remember he's a child and yes they are self centred and yes it's a massive emotional issue to them things that you would just find petty.. they haven't developed emotional regulation yet.
And you don't model emotional regulation to them by having none yourself. So it's not a great parenting technique to regularly lose your rag either in anger or sadness in front of them.
Obviously in an ideal world you'd be as calm as possible.
But that's not always possible.
My eldest two bicker something terrible and my middle daughter could whinge for Britain... I regularly lose it with them.
I know its not great though.. ideally I try to calmly acknowledge their feelings then distract them. Because that's what they need to learn to do themselves. Acknowledge disappointment or that they feel anxious as they aren't in control of the situation.. but then also Acknowledge that it's a waste of time and energy to whinge and they need to make the best of the situation by distracting themselves or focusing on the positives.
I know I struggle with emotional regulation myself as my own mum was terrible at this. She was a crier and screamer... the smallest stressor might set her off and she'd be wailing.
I have compassion for that as an adult.. but the thing is it does have a negative impact long term. I now struggle with my own reactions. I don't want that to be the case for my children.

So just be careful.
You couldn't help crying and its not your fault but I wouldn't think this is a good parenting tactic even though it stopped the behaviour he was doing that you didn't like.

You do :) im pretty sure he knows how much I love him 😂

There is nothing wrong with letting your children see you cry. They learn how to react. My DS , now 20, has always had a strong empathy streak and cry’s at sad stuff ( particularly animal stuff). I would always give him a big hug and never discouraged him. As a result he is not afraid of demonstrating his feelings. DH is the same despite being a typical tough old school male.

When I sobbed inconsolably at my DSis recent funeral it was my son that immediately enveloped me in a big hug. He’s a 6’3” rugby player and gives lovely hugs. They are a tactile bunch and have no fear of physical expression, maybe it’s the nature of the sport, but he treats all his friends with a firm handshake and a big hug.

His year at school really struggled in lockdown through physical isolation so seem even more supportive both physically and mentally with friends. They spent so much time facetiming each other that this is now their preferred method media of contact. I frequently go in his bedroom when he’s home from uni to be greeted by his friends on a Group FaceTime.

Boys need to see how their parents are vulnerable and more importantly how to deal with someone who is upset. With the internet they are losing the ability to be physically present.

Beautifully expressed, thank you, thats really helped me.

But it was never intended as a parenting tactic

I cry regularly. It could be good news, bad news, a greeting card, nature programs, music, a routine on strictly, sad scene in a film, a gift, a friend’s personal circumstances, anything really. My DC are fine about it, empathetic and know it’s only a case of better out than in rather than their mother being hysterical.

Crying is sometimes a natural consequence of being mean.

Also, it's good to cry in front of children sometimes. You don't need to hide things like grief. Sadness is a normal human emotion and it's healthy to express it.

Also, contrary to what some people in this thread think, a child won't be traumatised because you've shouted occasionally, worded something clumsily, or said something harsh. It's human nature to snap, as OP did in this instance. Could she have worded it better? Yes. But now it's a great opportunity to sit with her son and have a chat. She shouldn't apologise for crying, but explain that his behaviour was mean and being mean can make people feel upset. She should apologise for saying 'pull yourself together' as that's harsh, and she can also have a chat with him about how that made him feel, and could ask how he felt seeing mummy crying. It gets them to think about empathy, and also models how to repair after a fall out.