Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?

[Whyonearthwouldyou]

This may seem super petty, I don't know, I feel super gaslit and I'm really struggling here.

DP of 10 years has been super cagey with his phone lately, very noticeably. I haven't said anything but same vibes as when I caught him texting another woman many years ago (admittedly the messages were far worse than these). Anyway Friday he forgot his phone when picking up DC, first time he's let it out of his sight in as long as I can remember. I looked through it and saw a couple of messages that made me uncomfortable so I took it and drove off to read through it all properly (I appreciate I sound crazy here)

Anyway I found evidence of huge debts and messages to other women. Funnily enough the same women who I don't know but keep appearing in my 'suggested friends' on FB.

I've attached pictures of the messages and each different woman is a different colour. Obviously I've not seen any evidence of him trying to meet up with these women or anything but these messages really really hurt. I know he's not attracted to me anymore but I can't remember him ever calling me 'beautiful' or 'pretty'.

I told him how much this hurt me but he says it's work banter and he's a bit of a lad at work and he calls all women beautiful etc even in person. It's my insecurities and I'm controlling for taking his phone (I do accept I shouldn't have taken his phone).

I asked him how he'd feel if I'd sent messages like that to make colleagues/friends and he said it would not bother him in the slightest. I said that's where I don't think we're compatible then because I think it crosses a line in my eyes.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting because I'm highly stressed and on my period at the moment so probably more sensitive than usual.

Thank you

Yeah this really isn't normal and I could not be with a man like that.

🤮

He’s shagging prostitutes.

These aren’t women he knows from work. As someone else said, he’s the client and they’re playing along. Hence the constant mentions of work (his job, her job), the weird ‘missing me?’ thing (which makes a lot of sense with someone you’re sleeping with but not much with someone you actually see frequently), the poor English, the photos of fillers or whatever.

I’m very sorry, OP. You can’t carry on in the long run with this vile piece of shit. Think carefully and make plans to separate.

Ew no. I'm so sorry he's done this to you - you are NOT overreacting. He'll never change and you can do so much better.

He is a vile little creep. I’m fairly relaxed but I’d honestly have packed my husbands bags over this. He’s desperately trying his best to cheat. I’m so sorry OP. Don’t let him make out you’re the problem, because you’re not.

Ew he’s a lech. How are you still interested in him?

Yep ... if he's not actually having a fling he's trying very hard to do so. But the debts ... don't make them your thing too (speaking from experience)

Can’t believe he blamed your reaction to his cheating behaviour on your period. This one’s audacious.

Classic narcissist. Just quietly leave, don’t even argue..you’ll just go in circles.

🤮🤮 I’d sack Desperate Dan off! He actually doesn’t care about you one iota, he’s just casting his lines hoping to get any girl he can catch. What a complete cringy desperado he is. You can do better than him.

In what ways does he enrich your life and make you feel happy?

He’s definitely crossing a line in being so over familiar and suggestive (case in point aubergine emoji). He also comes across like a teenage boy who thinks that he can befriend girls and have a chance with them. How old is he and how old
do you think the people he’s messaging are? I wouldn’t be at all surprised if you told me he typically gravitates towards younger colleagues.

Can we circle back to the 'huge debt'? I would find that more concerning than the general fuckwittage.

Yes I want to know about the huge debts as well. He sounds a real creep by the way in those messages.

You should leave him for weaponizing your hormones against you. In 35 years my dh has never dismissed my concerns or my intellect because of my periods.

He's desperate and it's very unattractive.
You deserve better than him trying to make or you're the one being unreasonable.

No woman would be happy with a partner sending these messages to another woman...and HE KNOWS IT.

You know what to do now - get your ducks in a row...

sort out your money

do you rent - if so who is actually the tenant
or do you have a mortgage

where would you live / where will he live ( not that this is your problem )

so you work ?
can you claim universal Credit ?

do you know what he earns ?
put his salary into the CMS calculator

are all your children his children ?

Yes, this!!

Seat h the numbers in google

Nasty nasty man. You don't have to stay married to him.

Also, he will tell you you're nuts, overreacting, hormonal etc no matter what he's done. You could catch him in the act and he'd still call you nuts. It's not you, it's just a manipulation tactic on his end.

Ah man I feel really bad for you OP, he’s gaslit the shit out of you. Even using your cycle as amo to make you out to be crazy and unreasonable.
the fact you just accept he doesn’t find you attractive any longer as almost a fact about yourself is very sad, you clearly have been treated poorly by this man who seems like a narcissist.
j was shocked by the messages, there’s no blurred lines here as to whether they are jokey messaged to a friend. They REALLY remind me of the cringe, vagina drying messages you get from someone when online dating, creepy and try hard.
also to point out if any of my male friends or colleagues sent me messages along the lines of these I’d be really pissed off and creeped out, they’re outrageous!
also seems clear there’s been some past with these women or their responses to his tone of message if out of the blue would be very different.
hes a manipulative scum bag. I’m so sorry you’ve been treated this way, PLEASE once you’ve left put some work in, with therapy I’d say, on digging into how you feel about yourself as a person, your self image and confidence after a relationship of this type or you will spend the rest of your life negatively affected by his behaviour and you deserve to live a peaceful and happy life and have some higher standard of expectation as to how you should be treated by people.
take very kind care of yourself lovely, this is horrible xx

I’ve accidentally voted You Are Unreasonable with my stupid fat thumbs, sorry.

What a creep- aside from anything else I wouldn't be able to stay with a man who made me so nauseous.

He's talking about getting a hard on to pics, screenshotting other pics (presumably to have a wank over later)- you are not over-reacting OP, and it sounds like he's worn down your self esteem so much so that you accept this behaviour. And that's before you even get into the debts.

Pack your bags and leave him to his screenshots.

These arent women he works with.
Although i would put money on them being women he's paid to sleep with and now he has their contact details and is creeping round them. (and not getting far going by the replies)

Bin him.

He comes across so desperate. Messages like that make me cringe so much, had plenty in the past, all from men trying to flirt with me. You deserve so much better. Then there's secret debt on top of this... He comes across as an absolute loser. You're better than that, you can get better than that.