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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?

88 replies

Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 12:38

This may seem super petty, I don't know, I feel super gaslit and I'm really struggling here.

DP of 10 years has been super cagey with his phone lately, very noticeably. I haven't said anything but same vibes as when I caught him texting another woman many years ago (admittedly the messages were far worse than these). Anyway Friday he forgot his phone when picking up DC, first time he's let it out of his sight in as long as I can remember. I looked through it and saw a couple of messages that made me uncomfortable so I took it and drove off to read through it all properly (I appreciate I sound crazy here)

Anyway I found evidence of huge debts and messages to other women. Funnily enough the same women who I don't know but keep appearing in my 'suggested friends' on FB.

I've attached pictures of the messages and each different woman is a different colour. Obviously I've not seen any evidence of him trying to meet up with these women or anything but these messages really really hurt. I know he's not attracted to me anymore but I can't remember him ever calling me 'beautiful' or 'pretty'.

I told him how much this hurt me but he says it's work banter and he's a bit of a lad at work and he calls all women beautiful etc even in person. It's my insecurities and I'm controlling for taking his phone (I do accept I shouldn't have taken his phone).

I asked him how he'd feel if I'd sent messages like that to make colleagues/friends and he said it would not bother him in the slightest. I said that's where I don't think we're compatible then because I think it crosses a line in my eyes.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting because I'm highly stressed and on my period at the moment so probably more sensitive than usual.

Thank you

Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
Are his messages to 'work friends' crossing a line or AIBU?
OP posts:
DisplayPurposesOnly · 18/05/2025 13:28

I think you're under-reacting to the "evidence of huge debts". Why is that just a throwaway comment in your OP???

The women... Yeah he's fishing. Busy fish-fish-fishing. Waiting for a bite but no takers (yet).

comealongdobbeh · 18/05/2025 13:29

If I found those messages on my husband’s phone, his bags would be packed and he would be out the door.

The parts where he asks after their family or new baby are pathetic attempts at trying to cover up the fact he’s a creep.

This man does not respect you.

Get rid. You’ll be much happier.

pinkdelight · 18/05/2025 13:32

Christ the way they're writing is not work banter. It's like he's a client and they're paid (or expecting payment) to feign an interest in him and flirt. You've gotta be able to tell this is way off normal messaging and kicking him out the door territory. Even more so if he's gaslighting you into thinking this is okay in any way.

TheLimeQuail · 18/05/2025 13:33

He’s a flirt. The most concerning one is the one about the lips and the aubergine emoji. And also the one about taking a photo and being naughty

ShouldIEvenBother · 18/05/2025 13:33

Please, please, please do not spend another moment of your one, precious life with this absolute breadbin of a man.

hangingonfordearlife1 · 18/05/2025 13:39

the one is obviously not english and not even in the country. the other one is abit suss especially the aubergine emoji. i wouldn’t be happy with that and asking for photos is cringe. he sounds desperate

Mrsttcno1 · 18/05/2025 13:40

If I found messages like this on my husband’s phone I’d pack his bags for him.

I can smell the sheer desperation coming off him even through the phone! I don’t in theory have any issue with my husband acknowledging or even telling other women they look beautiful, we often go out as a group with some of our couple friends and all of the husband’s will politely do the “ah you look lovely/beautiful etc”, just like the women will say the same back, but if my husband was messaging anybody “hi beautiful”, “hi pretty girl” he would be an ex immediately.

It’s giving me the ick! And on top of that he’s made a total joke out of you which isn’t at all okay, please just leave OP

MrsPlantagenet · 18/05/2025 13:45

I bet he’s known as a lecherous little creep and other women pity you.

Get rid.

Artrunner · 18/05/2025 13:46

Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 12:38

This may seem super petty, I don't know, I feel super gaslit and I'm really struggling here.

DP of 10 years has been super cagey with his phone lately, very noticeably. I haven't said anything but same vibes as when I caught him texting another woman many years ago (admittedly the messages were far worse than these). Anyway Friday he forgot his phone when picking up DC, first time he's let it out of his sight in as long as I can remember. I looked through it and saw a couple of messages that made me uncomfortable so I took it and drove off to read through it all properly (I appreciate I sound crazy here)

Anyway I found evidence of huge debts and messages to other women. Funnily enough the same women who I don't know but keep appearing in my 'suggested friends' on FB.

I've attached pictures of the messages and each different woman is a different colour. Obviously I've not seen any evidence of him trying to meet up with these women or anything but these messages really really hurt. I know he's not attracted to me anymore but I can't remember him ever calling me 'beautiful' or 'pretty'.

I told him how much this hurt me but he says it's work banter and he's a bit of a lad at work and he calls all women beautiful etc even in person. It's my insecurities and I'm controlling for taking his phone (I do accept I shouldn't have taken his phone).

I asked him how he'd feel if I'd sent messages like that to make colleagues/friends and he said it would not bother him in the slightest. I said that's where I don't think we're compatible then because I think it crosses a line in my eyes.

Please tell me if I'm overreacting because I'm highly stressed and on my period at the moment so probably more sensitive than usual.

Thank you

Nobody with self respect would tolerate this. Run don't walk. Make arrangements for childcare and pack his bags.

ISpyNoPlumPie · 18/05/2025 13:47

He’s sent far worse messages to a woman in the past, he’s still sending creepy messages to other women, and he has secret debts. He’s a tragic, pathetic, disgusting loser. This man would not be my partner. There’s nothing else you need to find out, there’s no discussion that needs to happen. He’d be gone.

Mrsttcno1 · 18/05/2025 13:48

MrsPlantagenet · 18/05/2025 13:45

I bet he’s known as a lecherous little creep and other women pity you.

Get rid.

Literally this. It reminds me of the man who props up the bar at our local and tries to shag every single woman who goes to buy herself a drink, married, single, even pregnant, he does not discriminate. None of them are special he’s just a creep.

mixedcereal · 18/05/2025 13:50

These messages are beyond awful and cringe. He would be immediately out the door. I actually think for me the desperation from him in these messages, and gross sleaziness would not only put me off him for life - but I’d actually consider it worse than cheating! He’s going out f his way to get some kind of flirtation back and god it’s just awful

Chicken5ausage · 18/05/2025 13:51

It doesn’t matter what other people think, it bothers you and he’s gaslighting you.

however personally? Reading those messages makes me feel sick. What a sad, desperate pervert.

if my husband was sending messages like that it would be over.

that’s without the debt you’ve uncovered.

throw this one back.

CrispyCrumpets · 18/05/2025 13:52

He's fishing 🎣

Noshadelamp · 18/05/2025 13:53

I wasn't prepared for how creepy the messages where going to be.

Op surely you don't think talking like that to women is normal?

They are obviously tolerating him, the only reason why would be if he's a previous client.

Eugh I feel unclean just reading them.

TheLimeQuail · 18/05/2025 13:56

ShouldIEvenBother · 18/05/2025 13:33

Please, please, please do not spend another moment of your one, precious life with this absolute breadbin of a man.

“Breadbin of a man” I’m stealing that

TheOccupier · 18/05/2025 14:04

Come on, you know YANBU.

Tell us more about the "huge debts" you've also discovered?

ItGhoul · 18/05/2025 14:23

You’re definitely not overreacting. He is begging for attention and flirting with these women.

I have loads of male friends. We absolutely do not exchange messages calling each other ‘pretty girl’ or ‘handsome man’ and talking about missing each other and screenshotting each other’s pictures. Ever. I think “Looking good, mate” or “great pic” as a public comment on a profile picture is about the limit. The examples you’ve shared are not standard friendship chats.

JaninaDuszejko · 18/05/2025 15:00

These threads always amaze me, when I get messages from male workmates they are always 100% work focused. Surely you know this is not normal. In comparison, here's the last text message I got from a male colleague:

OK, and do they know to leave it at room temperature? They aren’t going to put it in the fridge or a freezer?

I'd be horrified if I got a message from a colleague like those your partner is sending and would immediately block. TBH they really don't sound like messages between work colleagues, sounds more like he's paying them.

PurpleChrayn · 18/05/2025 15:08

Eurgh. If “the ick” was embodied in a man…

WhereIsMyJumper · 18/05/2025 15:14

Those messages made my skin crawl OP.
I didnt even enjoy that type of message when I was online dating, and if a work colleague sent me something like that I would tell them in no uncertain terms to fuck right off. What a vile, pervy little man. I can’t believe he is minimising this - you need to get rid of him.

WhereIsMyJumper · 18/05/2025 15:18

Wallywobbles · 18/05/2025 13:14

Shame you didn’t send screenshots to the other women. You could have caused fabulous chaos. Maybe there is still time.

Also, do this.
And if you’re feeling brave, show him these comments and watch his giant ego deflate before your very eyes

Original poster
Whyonearthwouldyou · 18/05/2025 21:57

Thank you for your comments, it's reassured me that I'm not actually being crazy like he's made me to feel.

When I mentioned that I'm on my period, sorry I understand it doesn't seem relevant which has been pointed out. There's a bit of a back story there where he says I'm awful for a week every month (I do struggle with feeling more teary when I'm on but I genuinely don't feel in the monster he makes me out to be). When this all kicked off on Fri/Sat he said that he'd predicted we'd have a row this weekend, he felt it coming because of the time of month and he'd even told his (male) work friend he bet it was going to happen. I cannot mention anything when I'm on my period because it's me attacking him. Ugh.

OP posts:
TheWibble · 18/05/2025 22:19

YANBU. I divorced my XH over constant shit like this, and life is now much more peaceful. I suggest you do the same. They never change, and you don't want to spend the rest of your life constantly worried about him and his phone.

Youcanpayit · 18/05/2025 22:37

Oh my God, how embarrassing 😳 he's trying his hardest to get attention from absolutely any woman he once knew and not getting very far. Put him in the bin.