To drift apart from pre-motherhood friends?

[jssc]

I’m 30, a SAHM with a toddler and currently pregnant with number two. I’ve always dreamt of having children and find motherhood more fulfilling than any job I’ve had.

Lately though, I’ve found keeping in touch with non-mum friends increasingly like a chore, and I feel guilty about it. For example, my maid of honour is my uni bestie and an all-round lovely person, but our recent lunches or theatre trips just leave me feeling a bit… flat. I’d rather put my daughter to bed, read her bedtime stories and be cozied up on the sofa by 9pm with my husband, than out watching a show and making conversation. Our texts used to be fun, now responding to them feels like another thing on my to do list: “Here’s a jacket I bought,” “My cousin’s new boyfriend,” “Ugh, hate my boyfriend’s mum,” “Look, I made fajitas!” All topics is excitedly respond to a few years ago.

Same with an old work friend—she’s lovely, and I enjoy the occasional update (new house, ex-colleague gossip), but anything more than a yearly catch-up feels like effort I don’t have.

These were people I once couldn’t imagine life without, and now I find myself preferring time with mum friends I’d only met in the last few years. Maybe because our chats—about schools, sleep regressions, or local events—just feel more relevant. Watching our kids play and chatter melts my heart. I also spend a lot of time with my parents, in-laws, and my SIL who has a little one too.

But part of me wonders—am I being unfair? Is it wrong to drift from people just because we’re in different phases of life? Should I be trying harder to maintain those pre-mum friendships now, in case I feel their absence once the chaos settles and the kids are in school? Will the mum friends still be around then?

Would love to hear from anyone who’s been through this—what did you do?

I found my pre baby friends became even more valuable once I’d had my daughter. I loved every minute I spent with her, but when I was socialising, either with or without her, the last thing I wanted was to spend time with other women who wanted to talk about their babies and I was very conscious that I didn’t want to turn into the sort of baby bore that I’d come across in the past. I really didn’t enjoy mother and toddler groups and the non stop talk about babies and children, and was bored rigid whenever I went.

Just remember that your children won’t always be tiny, and one day (sooner than you might expect). You might really value a friendship that’s deeply rooted in you, not them. Don’t cut yourself off from what is probably really solid support just because it’s not your focus right now.

Also consider that these people will have put a lot into you. Cutting them off because they’re not currently convenient might not be the nicest thing to do.

@Growlybear83
in a way, I wish that was me. I wish I’d enjoy the pre motherhood chats that I used to have a bit more.

im aware it’s a me issue, not the friends issue, because I have changed and the friends are the same lovely people they were before, bringing up the same topics and meet up places we’ve always bonded over.

I think it is wonderful that you are loving being a mum. This might not last forever (it might of course) and you might need those friends in the future. And they might need you if they become mums.

I totally hear what you are saying about finding messages and meet ups draining, but don't isolate yourself just in case the current bliss doesn't last forever.

I think you need to be careful. True friendship lasts a lifetime and is previous and valuable. Of course we can have friends at different stages of our lives but true friends doesn't rely on everyone being Mothers!
You are in for a bit of a shock if anything truly awful happens and you need your real friends and you've neglected them that's all I can think. Noone likes to think of future being different and tough but when my DH cheated on me and left me after 25 years marriage, I couldnt have survived without my true friends

Nurture your friendships away from motherhood, OP. It will do you well in the future.

My advice is keep your old friends whatever it takes. Some of the friends you will make who are other mums will become good friends. Most won't because you may not have much in common other than motherhood. I was a mum at 40, 50% of my close friends had done motherhood way before me and the others weren't going there for wherever reason. It's friends without kids who remained the besties and stood the test of time

Hmm I think you’re lucky to have on-mum friends that still bother with you. I wanted to keep mine but one cut me off completely.

This phase will pass (your kids will fly the nest, and before that become teens who don't want to hang out with you); then you might want some friends with other topics of conversation. Even before then, the initial novelty of parenthood will wear off, and you WILL want the odd evening off from kids and talking about kids (which is fine).

Also, some of your currently childfree friends (most, probably) will join you in your current phase.

Keep all your friendships in good repair.

Throw away friends from pre children at your peril. So many women retreat into their "little family" and the wake up ten years on to find they don't have any friends left, they find their partner boring and their children have other people to hang out with.

It's completely natural to feel like this during this phase, with small kids and in the 'nesting' vibe. It won't last forever, you'll get a bit more of your life back and friends, whether with children or not, could well be a lifeline when you want to come back out into the world.

I don’t really relate to this as I found my “mum friends” a great addition to my friendship circle, not replacements. And I always loved a break from parenting and a chance to hang out doing fun things with the friends I’d had for years.

I think when you have a baby your world closes down a bit smaller but slowly slowly it gets bigger again. You have 40+ years left on the planet.
You need to take a long long view of friendships. They don't all have to be close right now. You'll circle in and put of people's lives. Just keep them ticking over. Responses can get slower but don't stop. Only ever get rid of people who dont bring you joy.

I think it’s lovely you have made new friends through having your children however remember who your friends were before hand and remember your children grow up and you and your mum friends may drift apart and you’ll end up with no friends.

I’m surprised your child free friends of the same age are that interested in maintaining a friendship tbh. You’re only 30. If you really don’t want a life outside of being a mum that’s fair enough. But it’s not for me.

Yes, exactly. This is a passing phase when you’re consumed with babies and small children, and sometimes friendships predicated solely on the phase don’t survive it ending. I’d hold on to all friendships.

Mixed bag really. Two groups of my friends are as close as they ever were; reduced outings have affected nothing; we tend to meet in groups but they are all available on whatsapp quickly, and the varying life stages keep me so grounded and pleasantly diverted whenever we meet. Whereas I deliberately distanced myself from another group (ironically mostly already had kids), because my more limited time showed so clearly how I had always put myaelf out for them and was expected to do so, yet their effort for me was... well, perhaps not zero but miniscule. Multiple different mum friendships, some now well over 7 years in from before birth, have formed in different clumps, and have rooted us in our community, as well as supporting and caring for us all. I can't imagine ever not wanting to keep up with some of those ladies and their families, they have added more to our lives than we expected.

I'm not sure if my experiences are helpful, except to say that I feel it's ok to follow your heart. Those who mean the most will stay stuck on.

OMG

T H I S

THANK YOU 🩷

Can't relate at all. My friends became even more important to me after kids. Helped me remember who I actually am outside the house!

I would also advise you to be careful because you won't be in this bubble forever and could end up quite lonely.

I also never really made 'Mum friends' though as I already had lots of friends who I actually love. Didn't really get close to people just because we both happened to have kids and definitely didn't want to talk sleep regressions over a glass of wine so I guess everyone is different!

I think you’ll regret that when you’re out of the baby/toddler years.

Most of those mum friends won't last, because really you had very little in common other than both happening to utilise your uteruses at the same time. You will get bored of every conversation revolving around weaning and nappy changing. You will, some day - believe it or not - want to have a life again. Throw away friends at your peril.

I have had friends do this. Its really shitty. I get you are caught up in your new life. And maybe dont have as much time or energy as before. But at some point your life will change again. And it is pretty crappy to dropa good long term friends just because you feel you have achieved a higher purpose in life (and to be honest, sounds condescending and smug).

but be aware that your non mum friends are under no obligation to wait around for you to come out of this phase. They are also busy people with lives and responsibilities and can’t always prioritise or arrange things to just suit you. To be honest I have a long history of ditching friends who become parents due to their attitude that popping out a child means that I will forever be running around after them, waiting for them to throw a few crumbs my way and that I’ll always make an effort. Well, I won’t. I’m knackered and stressed by my own life and I don’t have time, energy or headspace to spend an evening or lunchtime listening to them drone on about poo/school/whatever dull child related thing happened that week.

Op I had about half dozen of very good 'mum' friends, who I was close to even through the secondary years (most of our primary kids went to the same secondary).

DD is in her mid 20s, one I am still extremely close too but the others I started to drift from when dd left secondary. In hindsight, what we had in common was that our dcs played the same sports. Take that away, and we dont have similar interests.

To be honest I have a long history of ditching friends who become parents due to their attitude that popping out a child means that I will forever be running around after them, waiting for them to throw a few crumbs my way and that I’ll always make an effort

This is true. People who become tunnel vision about their children and expect the rest of the world to understand are incredibly boring to be around and people will drift away.

Of course everyone is obsessed with their own kids and mothers of small children are pretty limited in terms of social life. That’s natural up to a point.

But if you make your pre children friends feel you have moved to a superior level (which slightly comes across in your post), they will become resentful and lose patience. You have had babies, not a personality transplant.

A little bit of effort now, even when you’re not really feeling it, will go a long way over the long term.

Maybe they might start to find you rather unsufferable soon and will take themselves out of your life
just don’t be surprised when the dust settles and you reach out and they are no longer interested