To drift apart from pre-motherhood friends?

[jssc]

I’m 30, a SAHM with a toddler and currently pregnant with number two. I’ve always dreamt of having children and find motherhood more fulfilling than any job I’ve had.

Lately though, I’ve found keeping in touch with non-mum friends increasingly like a chore, and I feel guilty about it. For example, my maid of honour is my uni bestie and an all-round lovely person, but our recent lunches or theatre trips just leave me feeling a bit… flat. I’d rather put my daughter to bed, read her bedtime stories and be cozied up on the sofa by 9pm with my husband, than out watching a show and making conversation. Our texts used to be fun, now responding to them feels like another thing on my to do list: “Here’s a jacket I bought,” “My cousin’s new boyfriend,” “Ugh, hate my boyfriend’s mum,” “Look, I made fajitas!” All topics is excitedly respond to a few years ago.

Same with an old work friend—she’s lovely, and I enjoy the occasional update (new house, ex-colleague gossip), but anything more than a yearly catch-up feels like effort I don’t have.

These were people I once couldn’t imagine life without, and now I find myself preferring time with mum friends I’d only met in the last few years. Maybe because our chats—about schools, sleep regressions, or local events—just feel more relevant. Watching our kids play and chatter melts my heart. I also spend a lot of time with my parents, in-laws, and my SIL who has a little one too.

But part of me wonders—am I being unfair? Is it wrong to drift from people just because we’re in different phases of life? Should I be trying harder to maintain those pre-mum friendships now, in case I feel their absence once the chaos settles and the kids are in school? Will the mum friends still be around then?

Would love to hear from anyone who’s been through this—what did you do?

Should I be trying harder to maintain those pre-mum friendships now, in case I feel their absence once the chaos settles and the kids are in school?

Yes.

Well… no. Don’t only put effort in just because you think you might need them later. Put effort in if these are people you value having in your life. Don’t just use them. But yes, if you drop them there’s a good chance you’ll regret it in five years.

I wouldn't worry about drifting. If your main conversation is about babies, you'll probably find they're equally as happy for the friendship to drift as you are. People change, life moves on.

Sorry to say it but you’re coming across as a smug married OP. You need to make time for your friends otherwise you run the risk of them dropping you, just when you’re ready to lift your head up from new motherhood. It’s understandable that you’ve got different interests now but the baby bubble won’t last for ever.

These were people I once couldn’t imagine life without, and now I find myself preferring time with mum friends I’d only met in the last few years. Maybe because our chats—about schools, sleep regressions, or local events—just feel more relevant.

If your conversation has become that boring, I dare say they prefer time without you now as well?

I'm so glad that most of my friends who became parents didn't do that though. Yes, their lives changed and our friendship wasn't the same as it was in our 20s - but they could still talk about (and wanted to talk about!) topics other than parenthood, and they didn't look down on their child-free friends as irrelevant to them.

Most child-free people aren't really minded to hang around waiting for former friends in the parent bubble to decide they want to be adults again though.

It’s not unfair. Drift is normal.

This as well.

You can drift apart from who you like, there aren't any rules, but friends you know through your children know you and spend time with you because of the children and the fact you're x's mum, your friends are friends with you because they love you as a person. If you do decide you don't want to invest in the friendships anymore don't expect them to be waiting around as everyone else falls away as the children grow up.

Don't reduce yourself to being "just" a wife and mother. It may come back to bite you.

Yep, it’s totally shit to be on the receiving end of this. And then invariably the mum resurfaces a few years down the line, when kids are older, looking to re-establish the friendship as it now suits her to do so, and is surprised that the childfree woman’s life has moved on and not just stagnated waiting for the mum friend to reemerge. A bit like how returning emigrants find it hard to come home and realise their old circle of friends has changed and adapted.

And op sounds like someone prepared to do the minimum needed to keep these friends on-side, in case she might need them later… ie prepared to use them, rather than genuinely invest in the friendship, despite proclaiming how deep and true a friendship it is. With friends like her….

I am the child free friend.
A couple of friends cut me off completely as I no longer had any relevance to their lives and we had nothing in common 🙄
Another one drifted away for a while but came back and one, I couldn't get rid of her even if I wanted to 😂 Apparently I kept her sane and she didn't have to think or talk about babies when she was with me. She cut her maternity short with her second because she was so bored. It didn't help that her uni best mate had children around the same time and was obsessed with motherhood.
I do like children and I'm happy to talk about them but not to the exclusion of all other topics.

Right!? I have had two kids and not for a second did I want to do a personality transplant and make motherhood my entire identity. Not having a job and spending all day every day just being a mother and wife sounds incredibly tedious. It’s so important to not lose yourself just because you become a mother.

Some friendships are situational (including some mum friendships - if not most!) so I’d be careful about cutting people off you still want on your life. You might find that your mum friends drift away at different points too - if your kids go to different schools or they (or you) move, etc. friendships based solely on having children the same age aren’t going to last - particularly once your child chooses their own friends. It’s really such a short time in your life where you spend all your time at play dates.

I am grateful to have friends from work or other things that have nothing to do with my children. Especially several years in it’s even more important that I maintain some sort of life outside driving around in circles to football practice.

I love time with my child-free friends. I come back re-charged for being a mum as I’ve had a chance to be an individual and discuss all the other interesting things in the world other than parenting.
also it’s good to model to your kids as they get older that you’re not just ‘mum’ you have other important things in your life.
The baby and toddler years are full on but don’t last, you’d be mad to ditch friends you once were so close to

One by one my friends who had been in my life since school and university started disappearing from once they had children - not my choice and it hurt but I understood. Now that their kids are older they reach out and want to have fun like the 'good old days’ but I have moved on with my life and have a lovely bunch of friends who don’t disappear because we have different lifestyles or made different choices.

In my experience mum friends come and go. Some pre-baby friends disappear too but I'm 16 years in to parenting now and my closest friends are my pre-baby friends. I never lost interest in them though, I loved spending time with them.
Mum friends are often temporary whilst they are on maternity leave or stay at home with little ones but then disappear once school starts. Then come the school mum friends who again disappear once secondary school starts or if the children's friendship group changes. If I was you, I would be making an effort with the pre-baby friends.

Thing is, when your "baby" is 7 and you actually really fancy a weekend away or a gig buddy it's often the old friends that are around. I've only got one mum-friend left from NCT and our DSs don't get on so I see her on my own.

If you genuinely care about them you should make the effort. They might need you, it's not just about you and your nice life.

Like you, I’m a very happy SAHM, adore spending time with my children 🥰

However, I have maintained my previous friendships. My best friend I’ve known since I was 11, then a group of 8 from uni (even split of those with and without children), then my old work friends, then my DH’s local school friends and uni pair I’ve known for 15 years, definitely consider them friends of mine too.

We’re actually on our way back from an adult-only Eurovision party and sleepover hosted by a pair who don’t have children, it was fantastic! One of my DH’s best friends is our son’s Godson, and whilst visiting to spend time with him, he is also fantastic at making sure we go out for drinks with him. We’ve kept a great balance of child and non-child meet ups, both showing a genuine interest in each other’s lives. I meet my girl friends for lunch or a spa, amazing to catch up properly!

Yours are a little younger, you’re tireder at that point, but try and maintain some link if you can. I personally find I’m much more myself, relaxed and have a proper laugh with the friends I knew since I was 18, they are the ones I can be really silly with, who I genuinely got on with as individuals. Friendships at the school gates can feel forced and be affected by the changing dynamics of your DC’s friendships - I am so grateful for my previous friendships which are completely separate to all that.

From the other side OP:

There are friends who I guess must have felt the same as you and dropped me because I'm not in a couple or I'm not a mum.

If they come back around seeking friendship in a few years time then they won't find me as receptive. I won't forget they dropped me.

I have one friend who, despite me staying long term single and her going through all the life stages of boyfriend-turned-long-term-boyfriend, then moved, then engaged, then married, then babies... she hasn't forgotten me or gone weird. I cherish her.

But the others....

This exactly! You’ll be extremely lonely if you do this when your kids leave home. How insular.

Don't cut yourself off from your non-mum friends. I am really sad about some friends of ours who stopped bothering with us when they became parents, even though we tried to stay in touch. Thankfully most of our friends who are parents kept us in their lives and we catch up with and without kids on a regular basis. Old friends are a treasure in life.

Honestly I prioritised my new mum friends over my older pre-baby friends, for much the same reasons.

Now my kids are 8 and 10 and I massively regret it. The mum friends will move on and vanish from your life when their kids go to a new school or nursery. There are women I thought were my close friends who I saw every weekday while the kids were small - and now haven’t heard from them in years.

Even if it feels hard/a chore at the moment you need to invest in your old friendships because they will be more important long term.

I think it's mean if you shared an enormous amount of closeness with these friends before.

I've had friends who dropped me when they had children and I was a bit spun around by it - I'm not saying I thought it would stay the same but it made me think twice about how generous I would be with those friends in future. There's a way of doing it that's better - think of a slow fade rather than saying sorry I don't have time for you, but there's no going back once you have dropped a friend is all I would say.

Also horrific to say (but has happened) mates have lost partners though breakdown or bereavement.

In my experience, the friends I had before children have stayed friends now my children have grown up. I made 'mum' friends who were brilliant and were supportive while I was on maternity leaves etc, but they moved away, we moved away, our children grew up and didn't get on so we didn't go out as much and we drifted apart. Really, all we had in common was that we gave birth in the same few months.

No, don't do that. It's hard, I know. I have a 9 month old and me and DH are the first of our friends to have kids.

It's really really hard. I found myself having no one to talk to about my life. No one. I remember one time, baby was 6 weeks, and DH mentioned how tired he was as baby hadn't slept all night. And friends piled on with "oh yeah, I'm not sleeping well lately either" "you need a routine". Etc. Then lots of judgment on top about why we're not travelling more with our baby, how when they become parents they are going to use their parental leave to travel the world etc. Bullshit.

So I have gone out and made lots of mum friends so I can have someone to talk to. Love them! But honestly I have nothing in common with them beyond babies.

I am making a conscious effort to still keep in touch with pre-baby friends, I don't forget their birthdays, attend events where I can (keeping my distance from a few arseholes) and already that is paying off. I went for a day out with them yesterday and I found it refreshing to NOT talk about my baby.

So I think it's a case of making an effort with genuine friends. You may not be as available and they may not understand your life right now but if they are nice people, keep them in your life.

You do have less time so you may find yourself not having the energy for people you didn't like very much anyway.