Would you rather your children were clever or kind/ polite?

[Imcomingovertoyourplace]

I know there will be people on here who say ‘oh well my child is both!’
But I’ve noticed a bit of a tendency for the kind kids to not be top of the class, and vice versa.
I have one of each. One is gorgeous and lovely and polite, but she finds school such a struggle and she doesn’t always get friendship stuff.
My other younger child will always get their needs met somehow, but can be rude to friends and adults, even if I correct them. He is so popular though, everyone admires him. He’s also very bright. I’m more like my first child. Their dad is much more like our second.
I worry so much for my daughter now she is a teen. Her insecurities and troubles connecting to others seem to impact on her academic progress. My son will probably be fine, but I wince when he talks to adults, and I’m sure they judge me.

Kind. Clever without kindness is a really shit combo.

Clever

Clever

Common sense, a bit of acting and life experience can cover a lot of bases

I think it’s best to be clever and act kind. If you’re actually kind you’ll get taken advantage of.

Clever. Then they can learn when and how to be polite and to pretend they are kind. You can't learn cleverness.

I think I'd prefer clever, with a selfish streak but with the learned skills to be kind. I'm clever and kind and quite frankly will never meet my full potential based on what I can do academically because people take advantage of me. My kindness and the fact I constantly try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt means I am taken advantage of and treated like a doormat. Its pretty much destroyed all my self esteem.

I knew straight away before I finished reading you were talking about kind (girl) and clever (boy)

I’m 37 and girls were generally told to be kind at school whilst boys were not. I wonder if you had two boys would you be asking the same thing? That’s not a dig but just a question to how old boys are raised compared to girls.

I would rather be clever. I don’t particular care if people don’t think I’m kind. I am. But where does kindness get you as an adult. You may be a kind person but kindness isn’t going to pay the bills or study for exams. Kind people can be popular but clever people are the ones that are successful .

Looking out for number one doesn’t make you selfish. I think you’re making assumptions based on how you were raised as a girl. I doubt your husband has the same experience as you. Men are not told to be kind.

Rich

Clever. The type of clever that comes with emotional intelligence.

My child is kind - so so kind it’s ended with her in tears and I’ve had to teach her to be clever about her kindness.

I would struggle if my child was very kind and oblivious to their surroundings - I say this because I know other people are mean and take the P and I would hate for them to be bullied or disadvantaged for being kind. I’m also kind and pretty giving as a person and it has led me into poor relationships and sometimes I’ve not taken advantage of certain situations - for instance career.

I’ve definitely learned to be clever.

So I’d say clever.

Clever seems to correlate with kind in my experience.

Probably because both are primarily formed from a healthy loving childhood.

Really daft question, because clever is the goal, kind is part way there

They are not actually that clever if they blunder through life offending people.

Clever. Nice guys always finish last.

Well there's the fake politeness that women and girls are expected to do, to put others first and not make a fuss. I don't have much time for that. But I have very clever boys who are very polite, so if your son makes you cringe with his manner rather than feeling proud then it sounds like some parenting is needed

Clever

Life is much easier if you can get a good education and a good job. Anyone can be taught enough life skills to manage at least minimal social expectations.

I do think clever people naturally have a reasonable amount of empathy because it comes hand in hand with being able to understand the consequences of actions. That isn’t quite the same as kindness. That means having a sense or morality and not wanting to hurt people. Kind people tend to make friends it a strong sense of empathy or morality won’t help with that.

Clever, every single time.

It does. It has an underlying message not to let people take advantage because you're kind but not to think you'll succeed without being kind to people.
Not the only time she has talked some real sense to a generation.
I see Trump is having a go at her today saying she is not 'hot'. She tries to support young women to improve their self esteam and decision making. The President of the USA responds by saying she is not 'hot'. This is where we currently are. A President who is neither clever nor kind. So maybe neither matters.

Clever enough to know when they are being unkind/unpolite.

As in everything like this in life, the test is funerals.