Would you rather your children were clever or kind/ polite?

[Imcomingovertoyourplace]

I know there will be people on here who say ‘oh well my child is both!’
But I’ve noticed a bit of a tendency for the kind kids to not be top of the class, and vice versa.
I have one of each. One is gorgeous and lovely and polite, but she finds school such a struggle and she doesn’t always get friendship stuff.
My other younger child will always get their needs met somehow, but can be rude to friends and adults, even if I correct them. He is so popular though, everyone admires him. He’s also very bright. I’m more like my first child. Their dad is much more like our second.
I worry so much for my daughter now she is a teen. Her insecurities and troubles connecting to others seem to impact on her academic progress. My son will probably be fine, but I wince when he talks to adults, and I’m sure they judge me.

But I’ve noticed a bit of a tendency for the kind kids to not be top of the class, and vice versa

There is no evidence for this that I am aware of and you are probably projecting your own insecurities or concerns on others.

Clever people can use not only their intelligence but people skills well.
The truly off-the-scale clever people can be successful without people skills.

I would add that if your skills are in a niche area then you can be successful without people skills.

I'm really surprised there are so many who said clever, it would be kind for me. In my experience it isn't usually one or the other anyway. My children are both clever and kind, so are most of my friends. When I think back to school the clever children were usually kind and polite and it was the ones in lower sets who were bullying, fighting and just generally causing a nuisance. It's the same at my DCs school too, one of them has said the reason they work hard is so they don't end up in lower sets where the horrible children are. I'm not saying all children who aren't clever are unkind, one of my friends is very kind but struggled academically.

I think both are perfectly possible. It bugs the crap out of me when my dm bangs on about my little cousins, about how clever one is but how another is so caring/kind, the implication being that he’s dumb (autistic, lots of major health issues when a baby). She makes it sound like he’s less worthy than his siblings. He’s my not so secret favourite due to his humour and general character.

They know that they are a guest and they have worked out that manners have no impact on their life.

That's not correct manners do matter - peope will go a bit futher for polite people and not help rude people / may decide to invite a polite child in future rather than rude on.e

So the "clever" child made an erroneous corrolation and needs an adult - usually a parent to correct them.

The one unthinkingly paroting back the polite forms - probably also needs some input dependent on age but have at leats picked up social conventions.

Kind and polite. The idea of cleverness without empathy, generosity of spirit, care for others, courtesy or manners is extremely undesirable. Many people live useful, rewarding, happy and valuable lives without being considered 'clever'.

Sad that so many think it's one or the other. People are more than capable of being both.

There are plenty of clever kind people and plenty of stupid unkind people though.

I don’t think that’s the pattern at all. Many bullies are also bottom of the class?

Clever. Then you can learn when to be kind and when someone is just shitting all over you.

Kind has become a real buzzword and yet some who bang the kindness drum the hardest are some of the more spiteful, vindictive people you can shake a stick at.

Kind
Safe
Hate

Words that are becoming more and more meaningless by the day and yet these are the mantras our children are meant to live by.

Clever in the sense of intellectual IQ but also clever as in smart in emotional IQ. They will know their way around the world.

Kindness without intelligence will likely get you eaten up by the world.

I don’t think many/most people do. They are just answering OP’s either/or question.

Kindness and politeness are not correlated either.

Tbf, the OP did ask us to choose between them. I'm sure most people do know you can be both, but we were asked either/or so have answered accordingly.

Sorry but my two were ultra clever and extremely polite and kind. Still are.

I don’t think you can learn empathy, you either have it or you don’t!

Clever if being kind means you’re a bit thick

I think what can often be perceived as kindness especially in girls, is actually them being submissive or acquiescing a lot, clever people usually convey an argument well that supports their position or wants, if you're not so bright you might go along with that rather than construct an effective rebuttal. It's not kindness.
I also dispute that clever people aren't kind.

I think that I would prefer them to be clever... but possibly because I was brought up to be kind to the point that everybody else and their feelings mattered and mine/I did not. I hate the guilt trip in my head every time I think that I am "mean" to someone!

Clever people can learn kindness. A kind person can't necessarily learn to be clever.

Kind.
(Being a doormat is not the same thing as kindness btw.)

You have a strange outlook. I have not seen this correlation you speak of. I’ve known nice kids excelling at school and shit kids struggling. And vice versa

As PPS have said it's not a binary opposition; many people are both and many are neither.

But if push came to shove I'd go clever. Politeness can be learned. Kindness in that general sense is easily exploited, particularly in girls. A bit of selfishness in a girl can go a long way.

I disagree with the premise because I think often the clever kids have higher emotional maturity so they’re better able to take turns, navigate friendships, negotiate with peers without it being explosive etc.

@SALawi think that’s a bit simplistic, the old bullies are thick rhetoric. The most ‘effective’ bullies I’ve seen, both of those of my childhood and also my child’s experience, are highly manipulative, intelligent, skilled, sociopaths. Thick bullies just hit you and it hurts a bit. But those who drive you to the bridge of insanity or suicide with their mind games/ or making you hate yourself or doubt everything you thought you were, they are highly intelligent people.

Disagree. My life was made hell by some very non academic kids and I know who is causing issues in my kids’ classes. Totally not to say all less academic people are bullies. I was also friends with many very kind non academic kids as are my children but I know who the bullies were.

The known unpleasant bullies in all 3 of my children’s’ classes are children who struggle academically (and who have parents who don’t value education). The nicest kids are also the bright, academic ones. So I don’t recognise the premise of your thread really.