Would you rather your children were clever or kind/ polite?

[Imcomingovertoyourplace]

I know there will be people on here who say ‘oh well my child is both!’
But I’ve noticed a bit of a tendency for the kind kids to not be top of the class, and vice versa.
I have one of each. One is gorgeous and lovely and polite, but she finds school such a struggle and she doesn’t always get friendship stuff.
My other younger child will always get their needs met somehow, but can be rude to friends and adults, even if I correct them. He is so popular though, everyone admires him. He’s also very bright. I’m more like my first child. Their dad is much more like our second.
I worry so much for my daughter now she is a teen. Her insecurities and troubles connecting to others seem to impact on her academic progress. My son will probably be fine, but I wince when he talks to adults, and I’m sure they judge me.

DS is top of his class (heading to grammar school) and the softest, sweetest soul. You could take him anywhere and I don’t think I’ve ever had to raise my voice to him in my life. He is a pleasure.

DD is fiercely intelligent - was doing 60pc jigsaws at 2 - but is a complete social hand grenade. She has her wee friends, but my goodness, that girl knows her mind and is as stubborn as they come. She gives zero fucks and I love it so much.

Sorry, too late to edit. Should read ‘that’s NOT likely to be someone with a healthy sense of self’.

It’s a disappointment.

I've known a lot of very clever people who are polite and often even kind.

You can be taught how to behave - about half the population react postively to psychopaths who have had to learn how to act/emulate - other half don't want a bar of them.

The group verus individual thing can be society wide issue- america is the ultimate individualistic soicety but is full of polite and kind people - and now have Trump at the top with a cabinet of like minded people - many of who aren't polite kind or clever - (a few are in their own ways or at individual level) who often got lucky and got born into privilage.

Clever.

Being kind is important but kind people with no smarts get walked all over.

Omg, a social hand grenade. She sounds hilarious:)

I think you’ve got a twisted notion of what “kindness” actually means.

This is more about you than anyone else.

These two qualities are odd things juxtapose. I agree with PPs who have said there isn't really a correlation between bring clever and being selfish/unkind. In my experience plenty of people are clever and sensitive and sadly plenty are not very bright and selfish.

Life will be much easier for the clever child - especially if you mean street smarts as well as academic smarts.

Kind people can be easily manipulated and used because it often goes hand in hand with doormat/people pleasing behaviour which isn’t a good thing as it’s a sign of low self esteem and low confidence.

Both my DC (boy and girl) are smart and kind. This isn't my perception, they're both very academic and I'm frequently told by teachers and other parents the ways in which they have been kind to others.

There is no correlation at all - clever is what they were fortunate enough to be born with, the importance of kindness is what they have been taught from birth. Neither of my kids are pushovers though and will always advocate for themselves and their friends - this can often be mistaken for not being kind or considerate.

I’m trying to think of an example. Ok so if an adult gives two children a drink, one of them will parrot ‘thank you very much’ which they’ve learnt but not really thought much about. One of them will not say thank you, because they know the adult will give them the drink anyway. They know that they are a guest and they have worked out that manners have no impact on their life. Being clever and confident is the capital when it comes to child friendships. Nearly all the popular kids in class are some form of clever and confident.

Clever, without hesitation.

I think you’re talking about IQ vs EQ really. To have both is ideal. Both have nature and nurture factors.

When it comes to our own DC, I’d encourage them to learn from each other’s strengths, rather than comparing and questioning if one quality is more desirable than the other.

You might think you keep a lid on it, but your questioning this will come through in how you are with them and what you say to them.

What? 🤣

You’re just making shit up. What kind of amateur psychology even is this?

Clever I think. Though both DTs are clever, kind and empathetic 😀

I think its a little simplistic TBH. My DD struggles and is hard work at times .My DS is always kind and polite .He has a MSC in a STEM subject ,from a RG uni.and is popular and easy going .Also many DC come on later on life ,they may go to uni after doing something else ,pass exams when in their 40s and so on

I don't think it has to be an either/or. If the question was to be, "Would you want somebody to be a genius, but a complete arsehole, or reasonably intelligent, and a kind and lovely person?", I'd select the latter!

IME kind often doesn’t translate into popular because if you’re a people pleaser then you’re more likely to end up as someone useful to know for favours rather than somebody genuinely liked and respected. Being popular / having a personality that people are easily drawn to is a good quality to have. Sometimes this overlaps with kind but popular people can usually say no which makes life easier and happier for them.

I'd rather they were confident and comfortable in their own skin. Realise this isn't answering your question, but with confidence you can get by even if you aren't clever, if you feel good about yourself you are more likely to be good to others.
So many kids have mental health problems and teens are racked with self doubt. Confidence is so important.

Kind and polite.

Every time.

Thank you! They are. And also infuriating in their own ways at times!

I think, as parents, all we can do is try is try and encourage them in their strengths and support them where they need it.

But what does your example have to do with kindness or even politeness? One child gabbles an automatic thank you without thinking about it, the other doesn’t because they think their ‘guest’ status means they can bypass manners.

Which suggests a lack of intelligence, if anything, as certainly a child who comes across as persistently rude is going to stop being invited over if they’re still of the age where parents’ control play dates. I could see, for instance, that one of DS’s friends was acting out after his parents divorced and he moved away with his mother, but I certainly called out rudeness, and probably dialled visits back a bit. Also DS thought he was rude. Rudeness has consequences, even if an emotionally unintelligent or just young child can’t see that.

Bloody hell - that was a fast “Make it about trans issues even when completely unrelated” even for MN.

But I’ve noticed a bit of a tendency for the kind kids to not be top of the class, and vice versa. I don't agree with this at all.

This.