Losing many friends in 40s

[outthereandbeyond]

I seem to losing many friends now I’m in my 40s and wonder if this is normal.

many of these women (and I) are growing, putting up boundaries and being less tolerating.

one friend had a meltdown over my cat going to another home because I ‘abandoned my cat’ but I didn't feel I could look after him anymore (I had many carer responsibilities and cat was having a delicate op that would potentially make it double incontinent after an accident), another mum friend chose not to continue our friendship when the children fell out, and now I discover a very good friend who I’ve known since childhood betrayed my trust by telling another friend of mine she’d met once at my birthday party some confidential things about me. Now the other friend is pissed off that I told old friend, not new friend things. Another friend dated a man after I asked her for his number as I liked him (they are neighbours) only for her to suddenly open her eyes to him and started dating (well fucking only actually. It lasted 3 weeks) so that pissed me off.

anyway, all small things, but I feel my network is crumbling away, one by one. And that people don’t care about each other. I’m starting to feel isolated and alone.

is this normal at this age to lose friends?

Same! Was just talking to OH about this a couple of days ago. For me, it’s been due to just not keeping in contact during child-rearing years, where my working commitments have also drained my energy. I see it like when you don’t water a house plant, it goes ahead and dies.

What do I do now? All people my age (mid forties) have their established networks. The places where we’d normally meet new people? All full of young people who don’t identify with the perimenopause.

There is that old saying that friends can be either for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

The friend you lost cos your kids fell out was only your friend for a reason - because your kids were close.
The old friend betraying your confidences sounds like a friend at the end of her season. See her less often or at least stop confiding in her. Tell her you feel she betrayed you. The new friend upset because she didn’t know ‘everything’ about you - well why should she? Trust builds up over time and you might have eventually have told her the confidences. Do you want to get closer to her after she’s been upset with you or continue a more surface level relationship for a while?

Judgy friends are not ideal either so forget about the cat meltdown friend. Or just dial back on your time spent on her.

Some of these could still be lifetime friends but they are all human, have their own agendas and it’s unrealistic to expect any of them to offer you everything you need in terms of support, loyalty etc. Widen your circle, see more people less often and try to let all this poor behaviour wash over you by focusing your friendship time elsewhere either temporarily or permanently.

I have noticed some friends have got a bit odd since mid 40s and wonder if it is related to perimenopause. Might also be me going through the same though.

Blimey i don't think I'd have any friends if there was this much drama involved.

I'd let all these events calm down and maybe look to spend time with people who are easier to be around. I've got a couple of low-temperature neighbour friendships which are nice, and a few people I meet up with for walks. Just enough time to catch up, not enough time to get dramatic.

so much drama. I wouldnt want that drama in my life either.

Friendships are fragile.
Yanbu.

I'd say that you're fortunate to have got to your 40s before experiencing this!

These friends all sound rather quarrelsome and high-drama. Is there a reason you’re picking these people?

I’m accepting that the friends I have in my 40s are in the “season” category now. My oldest friends have mostly slipped by the wayside as our lives have changed so much and we don’t live anywhere near each other. I feel fortunate that I have plenty of friends at the moment, but they’re quite new, people I’ve met through work or through my children. I remind myself that this idea of a bestie for life is a bit of a myth, and that what matters here today is having a group of friends who I have coffee with, who we can whinge to each other when things are a bit shit, who support each other with childcare, because that is what makes life good today. Maybe some will last, maybe some will go by the wayside too as our kids grow up, and that’s ok. You can still be a good friend to someone who might only be in your life for a few years.

Though I do know what you mean by older friends changing. My oldest friend is still my friend but I’ve realised she’s become quite self centred over the years and has put me in the role of being the person without problems who supports her. Now I have some problems it’s through the dynamics and she’s not been good at it, so I’ve just stepped back a bit and accepted that’s what this friendship will be like. I still enjoy her company so it’s fine, but she’s not someone I’m going to rely on for support at the minute.

Two of my friends died in their 40s, others moved and we didn't really stay in touch over time. Since then I've got mostly acquaintances who I see more circumstantially. One close friend. This is mostly a result of major life transitions.

Thank you. I feel tearful reading this and you’re so right in your advice. I like that reason, season, or a lifetime thought.

Oh God yes. I’m mid sixties and my friends have been getting steadily odder for 20 years.

I'm hardly seeing most of my mum friends since our kids started school. Once hanging out with our toddlers in the week ended it's so much harder to meet on the weekend, and everyone seems stressed. A couple have moved further away for bigger houses. I'm sad as I can feel us drifting apart.
Old school friends are scattered and we've grown apart. I see a couple of them individually.
I've met a couple of nice ladies on bumble, we meet occasionally for a drink. I agree with a previous poster that by this age my peers are overloaded with friends and responsibilities, and younger women aren't on the same wavelength. Most bumble profiles I see are 30ish single women who like clubbing and travelling. Not many mums on there. The two mates I've made have chronic illnesses and have to take life slowly, I wonder if that's significant.
Overall, yes it is a thing in my experience and I'm finding it hard.

Aim to spend time with people who make you feel relaxed, comfortable and happy

Yes to above comment about friendships for a reason, season or a lifetime

Often, you get out what you put in. If you don't make the effort to stay connected, friendships wither

Research suggests optimum number of true friends is around five. Probably lower than most would expect

Same. I used to have massive dinner parties at my table which can seat 20 and we used to all go away on ski holidays.

Now I can barely fill my 8 seater table.

Not quite so much falling out but deaths, divorces, transition, affairs, moving abroad.

I think women change in their 40s. I used to be a people pleaser and worry about people's reactions and feelings. Now I don't care. I treat people how I want to be treated and would never be unkind. But I don't care for drama, and if I'm in the right then don't care when they're upset. I've stopped pandering to people and telling them what they want to hear. Friends can break up due to a change in dynamics too. One long term friend left me, because I transitioned from a sahm to a high earner. Gave completely passive aggressive comments when I told her, then ghosted and restricted me on Facebook!!! Some friends only want to be friends for a reason. In my case my friend was doing better than me, and didn't like it when the dynamics changed.

Was just saying this the other day, planning my 40th was quite different to my 30th. I think a combination of covid and parting ways since kids came along. Just means I have only the most important people around me.

I’ve found this in my 30’s and a lot of people I used to really value as a friend and like I don’t like them anymore 🤣

All my friendships with longterm friends (35+ years) are still going strong. The friends that I've made in the last 10/20 years ( often friends friends that have come into my life ) are still here with no drama.
I've not noticed any strange behaviour from them.

This happened to me in my 30s only I was the friend who did the friendship ending. I went through something unimaginable and soon realised the friends I thought I had, I didn’t have at all.
It was as if the blinkers fell off.

The few friends I’ve made since are fantastic. As we grow up and life throws what it does at us, we find we need different things from friendship. I value trust and loyalty above all else, others prioritise different things in friendships.

I think people get shorter tempered and more self absorbed as they got older - that includes you OP.

The detail about ‘well, fucking’ shows that you might have got a bit bitter yourself.

Ive deffo found that some of my newer friends are here for the drama and when that subsides..they lose interest.
Mum friends not interested now the kids are older.
Still have older friends but sadly dont meet up much due to life being busy

what a useless answer.

Do your friendships not evolve though? I have a few I’ve been friends with since school or university. But I tend not to see as much of them as we don’t live near each other.

Others it’s gradually changed as life moves on. Didn’t stay in touch with most toddler group friends, probably won’t stay in touch with the other primary school mums except one or two. They’re more people who are around at a similar life stage. Same with work friends.

Limited time is a factor - I’m sandwich generation with a full time job. And being perimenopausal means I’m much less of a people pleaser than I was, so I’m not prepared to spend my limited spare time with some people who have shown they’re not very good friends.