Losing many friends in 40s

[outthereandbeyond]

I seem to losing many friends now I’m in my 40s and wonder if this is normal.

many of these women (and I) are growing, putting up boundaries and being less tolerating.

one friend had a meltdown over my cat going to another home because I ‘abandoned my cat’ but I didn't feel I could look after him anymore (I had many carer responsibilities and cat was having a delicate op that would potentially make it double incontinent after an accident), another mum friend chose not to continue our friendship when the children fell out, and now I discover a very good friend who I’ve known since childhood betrayed my trust by telling another friend of mine she’d met once at my birthday party some confidential things about me. Now the other friend is pissed off that I told old friend, not new friend things. Another friend dated a man after I asked her for his number as I liked him (they are neighbours) only for her to suddenly open her eyes to him and started dating (well fucking only actually. It lasted 3 weeks) so that pissed me off.

anyway, all small things, but I feel my network is crumbling away, one by one. And that people don’t care about each other. I’m starting to feel isolated and alone.

is this normal at this age to lose friends?

I'm watching with a mixture of fascination and gloom the process of me and my peers turning into tetchy old people. We all seem to be less resilient, more easily hurt, less tactful, more impatient, less relaxed than we used to be, and all this is leading to a certain degree of falling out. I think it has something to do with feeling physically more uncomfortable and also more tired than we used to be, due to poor sleep. This idea that older people need less sleep is so untrue; we need at least as much but we can't manage to get it. I'm much better company on the few occasions I achieve a seven-hour or even six-hour sleep.

I've had one friend go really odd and now barely speaks to me - no falling out and we don't live near each other any more, but I think perimenopause has sent her doolally.

This has been my thinking (& experience), too.

i work with a lot of younger (late 20s& early 30s) women and can see how their interactions are maybe not the healthiest.

There’s always drama or one person being the self-appointed “leader” and everyone begrudgingly going along with it. At the same time, there are loud proclamations about how they’re all besties and every weekend they’re out together. They appear as if they’re really close but I predict that in10yrs, they’ll have grown and just not tolerate all the weird group dynamics.

Same OP, same. I’ve felt disposable since turning 40, 3 of my friendship groups have vanished and they all meant a lot to me. It’s sad but I’ve got a few long term friendships still and my family.

Id love nothing more than a girls night out full of laughter but I don’t know how you get that at my age. I’m thinking my best bet is in retirement!!

Genuine question. Do you feel bad for not keeping up with friends when your kids were younger now you have no friends? Was it worth it? To be 100% about me and my family’s little bubble ?

Yes friendships take alot effort now Im 52. If its not 2 way efforts.. def people more flaky now. One minds grandkids then elder parents its harder. Less time too. But yes good to have your friends. My circle good but small now

Yes for not keeping up with friends, no for the ‘me and my little bubble’ comment. You’ve made me sound like I was obsessed with myself! It was more that my job was long hours, very tiring and full on. Also, having young children means not being available for evenings out/weekend things. When most of your friends don’t have children, then your lives just naturally diverge.

I literally said ‘it pissed me off’! Thanks for repeating what I already said

This is a good question. These friendships have run their course, creating space in your life for new friendships. That gives you time to evaluate what you do and don't want from people you get close to. I like low drama friends who are interested in something a bit more thoughtful than the latest gossip. I don't have many of them, but I'd rather see them than the big social crowds I hung out with when DC were young, which were full of backbiting and gossip and fallings out.

I think people on a whole have become strange since lockdown . Friendships are definitely not the same . People have stopped socialising so much and I imagine things like the cost of living have stopped people doing so much together due to costs .

I know my friendships have definitely changed the past couple of years because our lives have changed and we’ve become different people . We start losing people close to us , jobs change and our responsibilities change too which can all affect how we look at life and our priorities so it might not just be about friendship .

I am approaching 40 and don't have many friends left. People just seem quite content on their own. I have often stopped contacting people now as it makes me feel too needy.

It’s also not just friendships . The dating scene has changed too . I think people have lost the art of communication maybe?

many of these women (and I) are growing, putting up boundaries and being less tolerating.

This is definitely a thing but I don’t think it’s age related, I think its something that has been prevalent across different age groups for a few years now….everyone has become less tolerant and better at putting up boundaries

I myself have cut contact with a couple of people and I’m limiting it with a few more and keeping them at arms length

I think people have lost the art of communication maybe?

I think people in general are afraid to converse as they used to as everyone seems to have become so woke and are jumping down each others throats over the slightest thing

@Communitywebbing curious to know what sort of age group.

I don't think age is linked. This seems very much a lockdown and sign of the times thing IMHO.

I also find communicating and conversing harder. I wonder if social media has given us dopamine hit after dopamine hit, but you don’t get that with a conversation? You have to wait, focus on what people are saying, sit through the boring bits they talk about. I find it exhausting sometimes. It definitely was different before the pandemic.

@outthereandbeyond I think the dopamine thing is a big factor

I'm one of these people who ended up on here so often after I lost friends. I'm still very happy to have conversations. Others are not. Of course, the weird thing about it is now I'm online more. Maybe my brain will change too. Maybe that is the best outcome for me.

It does honestly feel like people are far more interested in being online than they are in actual human beings. I think it's really sad but it has to be accepted I suppose.

I think there might be something in that as well, most people’s conversation just sounds so boring / un stimulating as we are all over stimulated from social media as well as work….people also don’t seem to have the headspace to deal with other people

I've definitely got odder as I've got older as difficult life events have made it hard to socialise and I feel awkward when I do, like I'm performing a role trying to be normal. It also makes me always unsure of my plans as I genuinely don't know if I can make certain events. I can imagine someone listing me as one of their flaky friends, but in all honesty, I would love to be a better friend but circumstances mean it is very difficult. Definitely not an issue in my 20s.

To add to the above I genuinely believe we are living in a very sick society and it seems to be getting worse by the day,

So many peoples mental health is in tatters from the current society we live in

I was massively sociable when I was younger, but now much less so. And I’m fine with that, I don’t get lonely. I think it’s a combination of things - life experiences mean that I have zero tolerance for bullshit now, so if someone crosses me (badly, not just a minor thing), then I have no qualms about writing them off. I have consciously ended some significant friendships over the last few years and don’t regret that at all. Having boundaries is not a bad thing.

I avoid parties and ‘going out’ as much as possible, I don’t really enjoy drinking anymore and I can’t be arsed to make idle chit chat with people for the sake of it. I have my best friend of 30 years +, a couple of other good friends, my partner, my family, and lots of people I have met through my hobby, although we only meet up in the context of my hobby. And I’m constantly feeling like there’s not enough hours in the day to do the stuff I want to do, so time is precious and I’m not wasting it on people I don’t really give a shit about.

I much prefer the company of animals anyway. Sometimes I see groups of friends my kind of age out socialising and I almost feel a pang of envy, until I remember that I don’t want that, and I’ve chosen that path.

Yes I think in your 40s your tolerance for bs goes down faster with every year

@ToldoRasa when you say you genuinely don't know if you can make plans, do you mean you're not sure you'll be able to face it mentally?

Aside from tolerating less as we get older and perimenopause (just wanting to be alone) I do feel the cost of living has played a part also. Money doesn’t go very far now and ultimately socialising costs money. I certainly put off meeting up as much as I used to because of it.

Yes very true, it is expensive these days to do anything