Losing many friends in 40s

[outthereandbeyond]

I seem to losing many friends now I’m in my 40s and wonder if this is normal.

many of these women (and I) are growing, putting up boundaries and being less tolerating.

one friend had a meltdown over my cat going to another home because I ‘abandoned my cat’ but I didn't feel I could look after him anymore (I had many carer responsibilities and cat was having a delicate op that would potentially make it double incontinent after an accident), another mum friend chose not to continue our friendship when the children fell out, and now I discover a very good friend who I’ve known since childhood betrayed my trust by telling another friend of mine she’d met once at my birthday party some confidential things about me. Now the other friend is pissed off that I told old friend, not new friend things. Another friend dated a man after I asked her for his number as I liked him (they are neighbours) only for her to suddenly open her eyes to him and started dating (well fucking only actually. It lasted 3 weeks) so that pissed me off.

anyway, all small things, but I feel my network is crumbling away, one by one. And that people don’t care about each other. I’m starting to feel isolated and alone.

is this normal at this age to lose friends?

I am in my 70s. It’s been my experience that some friends do fall by the wayside for many of the reasons already posted. But, hang on in there if you like people but your circumstances have changed. You might find that when kids grow up/leave home, you will have time for each other again. Some of my most valued friendships now are ones where for years we hardly saw each other, just a card at Xmas or occasional meet-up. And if you keep alert to new possibilities, you can also make new friends that suit your current life-stage. Good luck xx

Why don't you give it a try? I had three very close friends as a teenager, but as we all got married and had kids and I moved to the other end of the country we started to drift apart and were only in touch spasmodically. However, we all reconnected in our 50s and it was just the same as it had always been. Now we're in our 70s and we remain in constant contact and meet up whenever we can. It's such a comfort to have people you've known forever back in your life. We've all had very different lives and our share of ups and downs, but it's wonderful that we can all still support each other as we age. I have other friendships of course, but none are as deep or enriching.

I think it depends if all the people had kids or not. If in a friendship group one never has children and she gets abandoned then why should she want to reconnect later? I think it’s different if a group all just drifts a bit when everyone is busy. Because you say “we” all drifted whereas as the person you quoted said “they all disappeared”. Mutual drifting is very different to people just disappearing.

I used to have a group of friends who all have kids now. I never did. For a while they all saw each other with the kids. I was never invited though. I don’t think they really see each other anymore either now the kids are a bit older but I don’t know for sure. But I’ve got no interest in reconnecting with any of them if they tried. I tried so hard to keep in touch at the time. Would message. Volunteer to go to their houses or to the park with them. Pretty much whatever they wanted. But they just stopped replying. But I’d see them on social media all out together with the kids.

It might be wonderful for you to have the support now that YOU want it and need it, but what about the person who lost all their support for years with no explanation or an apology?

I have noticed old friends, people I used to love becoming a bit odd or less likeable as we all get older.

One friend has made her whole life about Palestine to the point wear she at one point started to wear a hijab even though she is not Muslim and only stopped when her husband begged her to. She also threw her 7 year old a free Palestine themed birthday party. Her dedication and care is in many ways admirable but it is also obvious to those that know her that she is throwing herself into this cause as a distraction from other issues in her life, she has been like this for years to some extent but it seems so much worse now.

Other friends have become totally obsessed with status and money, talking about buying properties on a low interest mortgage (is this even possible anymore?) and renting them out at a large profit as a "passive income" so they can retire. Totally forgetting how hard people who did that in the past made it for them to afford to rent or buy their own home.

Lots of people seem to becoming harder, more selfish and less open. Losing sight of the privileges they've had and being critical of younger people, those struggling in some way.

Interestingly, one of us never married or had children, but it doesn't matter at all now. Two of us were pretty much SAH mums, with three children apiece. One of us, with two children, has worked pretty much the whole way through and started her own business. Our lives have all been very different and I think that helps now because we can bring different views and ideas to the table. I do think that when women have children and increasingly nowadays, difficult husbands or partners and full-time jobs, it's very difficult to spare the time - and often allocate the funds needed - for keeping up with friends, especially if the geographical distance between you also increases. There were times when my children were teenagers and I was trying to juggle the conflicting needs of family life with work and ageing parents that I scarcely had time to sleep let alone socialise with anyone! But once the children start to grow up and leave for university or for their own careers, opportunities to rediscover old friendships open up again. When the four of us are together we revert back to our teenage selves in many ways and it's such tremendous fun - I feel that it's helped each of us to rediscover who we really are as people, before all the rest of the shit got in the way! Of course, it helps that we were really close friends in the first place and experienced formative life stages together. Certainly, I've had other friendships where we've been close at the time, but I wouldn't necessarily be interested in reconnecting now and perhaps that's the case for you too.