Really p’d off with ex partner and bedtime/routine

[Redruby2020]

So i won’t go in to too much detail about other things, as it will just make it an even longer post.
Over the time that DC has stayed with their father, their routine is different at bed time, or more so totally out the window.
I know they say everyone has their way. But still nothing wrong in having a certain time where screens are off, gap and wash and in bed. Ex doesn’t encourage DC to read his school books to him, which we do at bedtime here.

There have been a few times where my DC has sent something from his phone he has there, like a funny pic or football logo thing etc.
So I have then been aware of the time and been livid.
So it then makes me think that they must still be up on other occasions.

In many ways ex is irresponsible to me anyway.

So lastnight, as DC goes Fridays, my DC texts me a football thing. I then replied very nice but you should be asleep.
I text my ex why is DC still up. Phone should be out of use by a certain time before sleep.

Ex says oh DC wanted to watch the football, now I assume he means indoors, because they have watched it in the pub until 9, and gone home, so would answer in the past, why they are still up, if carried on watching at home or then over tired and still up. DC is 7 by the way.

So I said this is just irresponsible to me, so who is the parent.
Especially when there has been school all week.
He could have just said you can see the highlights tomorrow. That’s what I do here. And remind DC because they will be getting ready for bed.
Here there is usually 1hr at least without screen before bed.

I said although I knew other stuff from previous times. Although he says some weekends DC slept at 9. This kind of behaviour and then if they are out and about during the day, is why DC comes home really tired on many occasions. Which can be difficult for both of us then, as most of us know what it’s like when kids are over tired, it can make things harder. Then Monday morning is a struggle.

I have been shocked and disgusted at how many posts I have seen online about other mothers saying similar things. Or some just saying we’ll just talk to the other parent, doesn’t work obviously. Plus parts I’m sure they don’t care about and even to get to me.
And others saying to just child to bed on time when they return/bit earlier if possible.
Of course in the moment it helps but not really the answer.

It's not ideal, but it's not dangerous. You can only control what happens in your own home.

If you pay for the phone, then you can set the downtime on it so at least he can't be doomscrolling .

Also...is he with you or ex more? If you, at least you know that the majority of the time he is getting healthy bedtimes.

No point worrying or stressing about it...I've learned that over time!

I understand to an extent but i suppose the crux is how often does your son see their dad?

My ex has no regard for bedtime routine but it’s 4 nights a month so I choose to ignore it.

We can’t control how they choose to parent.

I’d be 10x more worried about a 7 year old having a phone he text from tbh.

I agree with your bedtime routine but in this situation sadly I don’t think you can force your parenting style into the other parent?

He's an ex

You can't control him any more

Agree with previous comments. While your routine is something I would agree with, you cannot control what your ex does in his home.
Yes Monday might be a struggle, but then it often is for many kids after a weekend doing fun things at home and where a lot of people relax the rules a bit such as bedtime.
I think telling your ex what he should be doing is more likely to get his back up and mean you have a bad relationship. Unless your child is coming to harm, ignore what goes on when he is with his dad.

They are making good memories with their dad.
There's nothing you can do about it and mentioning will just make it worse. Honestly it could be so much worse.

I guess the bigger issue is that he has a phone in the first place (if he is texting from his own phone). You cannot control what your ex does when your child is with him. Ideally he has the same routine as it can cause issues if not, but if he chooses not to follow the same routine as you, there is nothing you can do.

The phone is worse than the bedtime. Why does he have a phone?

Your way isnt the right way. It's your way.

I know a few children who have a phone when their parents are separated to contact the other parent when they’re not with them. They don’t have any other contacts on them though so I could be the case here.

I do think it’s nice he gets to watch the football with his dad though. I’d just see how it goes, if your son becomes exhausted due to late nights
then try and open some communication, if he seems fine then just keep going.

How old are the children?

How often are the children with him?

We must have been totally irresponsible then. Although most nights our dc were in bed with a routine at the usual time, some nights in the summer we went to hear live music, on a school night 😱. The dc have such happy memories of those times. Yes sometimes they were slightly grumpier in the morning but we just reminded them that it was because they had been out the night before. That we didn't have to go next time if it was too much for them.

Especially over the summer I would encourage you to just sometimes relax bedtime and have some fun with your son. Seven is a lovely age to sometimes do something a little more grown up. A little later to bed. Soon he will be wanting to go on cub camps, school trips etc. They won't all have a strict bath and bed by 7.30 rule. Being able to be a little flexible in his sleeping routine at his age will be advantageous.

It’s not a safeguarding issue and you can’t dictate his routines. If it’s just at the weekend I’d leave it. If it’s in the wEek and school notice he’s struggling those days you would maybe need to have a conversation

He has a different parenting styles to you. He can do that in his parenting time. You can disagree but he has the right to parent as he wishes during his time.

Only concern I would have in what you are discussing is the phone. Does it have parental control set up?

Stop texting him deciding when he should send his child to bed. Accept he parents differently to you and focus on what you can control. Your own routines.

Child will learn soon enough there are different rules with mum and dad.

I got a bit confused about the timings and the mention if the pub (which you don't know they went to?), but if I've understood, the 7yo stayed up until 9pm on a Friday night to watch football with their dad?

If that's right, it really wouldn't bother me much. It's a one off treat for a specific reason, on a non school night and not that late anyway (my 7yo went to bed at 8pm, so this would only be an extra hour). If it was much later then less ideal, but still not a such a big deal as a one off, aslong as it's dad dealing with the tiredness the next day.

As others have said, a 7yo with a mobile phone would be far more of a concern to me.

Honestly OP it’s not up to you what ex does re bed time in his own home.

unless your dc is in danger, it’s not on you to police.

Your DS is 7. The occasional late night won't hurt him. It's summer, still light and he isn't doing exams. You could relax a little.

There are far worse things that idiot ex's do so I (gently) suggest you should pick your battles.

Over the years my ex has brought my DS home crawling in head lice or with an uncleaned and badly infected dog bite requiring a rapid trip to A&E. Thankfully DS hardly ever goes to his dad's any more.

A lot of men are absolutely useless parents so steel yourself for the next 10 years.

I get where your coming from from
but texting your ex when DS is there telling him what to do picking fault and questioning him isn’t going to end well and will only sour co parenting

as hard as it is your not in control you can’t dictate or control his time you need to let go of the reins
tbh I’m surprised ex even engages with you

Thankyou all so far for your replies. Much needed and appreciated. As many of you know the saga with an ex and having a child, for some of us it never ends, the issues the saga etc.

In regards to the phone, he plays games on it, and can use it for homework though that doesn’t happen very often.
He will speak to his cousin which is the only one who is here on his dad’s side. Whom they have been to stay with many times.
Not a regular thing or planned to have it to contact me, but obviously nice that he can.
I have brought up about the phone a couple of times, and will put aside the other things I posted about but re raise the phone with his father, and whether he is keeping an eye on things.

When you say parental control, do you mean on individual apps, and also in the settings on the phone etc? I was thinking what have I seen on the settings, in terms of things like that.
Sorry if that sounds silly, but i haven’t had to really worry until now.

I am thinking even on the internet search there must be something you can set too, in terms of them not being able to just search or find absolutely anything.

😆 I love the last bit about steel yourself for the next 10 years 🤦‍♀️😳🤦‍♀️ oh god I don’t know if my anxiety etc can take it. Including the fact of what actually comes with the child as well!

No not in the week, unless it was a dire emergency or something happened to me, despite others thinking it’s the correct thing to do(like everyone does 50/50) to do week nights too. I wouldn’t bother more hassle than it’s worth!

How many nights is he there? If it’s weekends only then really you have to let it go unfortunately. From experience when a child isn’t with you all the time and only once a week or eow they can find it much harder to settle to sleep compared to with the parent they live with full time.

How late was he up?

Maybe watching football with a dad he only sees at weekends was their time.

You cannot control what happens when he's there.