Really p’d off with ex partner and bedtime/routine

[Redruby2020]

So i won’t go in to too much detail about other things, as it will just make it an even longer post.
Over the time that DC has stayed with their father, their routine is different at bed time, or more so totally out the window.
I know they say everyone has their way. But still nothing wrong in having a certain time where screens are off, gap and wash and in bed. Ex doesn’t encourage DC to read his school books to him, which we do at bedtime here.

There have been a few times where my DC has sent something from his phone he has there, like a funny pic or football logo thing etc.
So I have then been aware of the time and been livid.
So it then makes me think that they must still be up on other occasions.

In many ways ex is irresponsible to me anyway.

So lastnight, as DC goes Fridays, my DC texts me a football thing. I then replied very nice but you should be asleep.
I text my ex why is DC still up. Phone should be out of use by a certain time before sleep.

Ex says oh DC wanted to watch the football, now I assume he means indoors, because they have watched it in the pub until 9, and gone home, so would answer in the past, why they are still up, if carried on watching at home or then over tired and still up. DC is 7 by the way.

So I said this is just irresponsible to me, so who is the parent.
Especially when there has been school all week.
He could have just said you can see the highlights tomorrow. That’s what I do here. And remind DC because they will be getting ready for bed.
Here there is usually 1hr at least without screen before bed.

I said although I knew other stuff from previous times. Although he says some weekends DC slept at 9. This kind of behaviour and then if they are out and about during the day, is why DC comes home really tired on many occasions. Which can be difficult for both of us then, as most of us know what it’s like when kids are over tired, it can make things harder. Then Monday morning is a struggle.

I have been shocked and disgusted at how many posts I have seen online about other mothers saying similar things. Or some just saying we’ll just talk to the other parent, doesn’t work obviously. Plus parts I’m sure they don’t care about and even to get to me.
And others saying to just child to bed on time when they return/bit earlier if possible.
Of course in the moment it helps but not really the answer.

Texting if happening at all I would hope would just be to contacts who are in the phone. But yes the internet browsing etc if they go on there that is, needs restrictions.

OP, I am sure he has had concerns with your parenting in the past.

How has he addressed?

Flip it around. If your ex started nagging you about purring him to bed too early and demanding you did it an hour later how would you feel?

Your rules in your house. His rules at his house. You are both parents and you are both allowed to make your own choices.

A late night once or twice a week went harm your child.

If you want a successful co parenting relationship you are gonna need to learn to pick your battles.

Does he ever bring his phone to yours?

Very annoying that his dad gave him this to be honest.

I think if he's unreasonable enough to give a 7 year old a phone I'd probably just try and quietly put parental controls on it if you manage to get hold of it, rather than trying to address it with his dad as doesn't sound like he will listen.

I think the bedtime thing is obviously annoying but not much you can do about it unfortunately apart from keeping bedtimes consistent at yours.

I think you could drive yourself mad with frustration with these kids of things without getting anywhere so best for your overall stress levels to just try and do what you can when he's with you.

I would pick your battles and focus in this rather than bedtime.

Accept that you have no control over bedtime and parenting style while your child is with the other parent. You will save yourself a lot of anger and frustration once you accept that. I would have a chat with ex about Internet access on his phone and installing parental controls and checking his usage but at the end of the day, you can't enforce these things. If you go in all guns blazing and accusing him of being an irresponsible parent, you won't get far. Aim for a collaborative approach and hope for the best. But you do have to try and relinquish control when he is with his dad. When my close friend got divorced and had these issues, her solicitor pointed out that her ex didn't listen to her when they were married so why did she think he would be any different now they're divorced? If anything, he's more likely to ignore your wishes 🙁

Thankyou, your answer was nice but also to the point, I do take a lot on my shoulders, I worry constantly, I’ve had many many weekends where I lost sleep, thinking about things all night like you know where you feel like your head is awake, might sound a bit silly.
It’s caused me a great deal of anxiety and even depression I think.
Yes ideally i would just like to see some measures in place on the phone, and for it to be cut off by a certain time at night.
There are many things i could go on about, in terms of where DC’s father is selfish and irresponsible.

I don't think your concerns are silly at all, you sound like a caring and loving mum with your child's best interests at heart. I hope you can have a constructive discussion with your ex and get through to him and are able to take a step back from the things you can't control. Take comfort from the fact that you provide a safe and healthy home life for your son and this is where he spends the majority of his time. Look after yourself lovely 💐

Thankyou 😊
Yes hopefully, but with certain things I do have to step back, otherwise up until now I have made myself a nervous wreck.