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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

56 replies

StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 16:06

Both kids have medical appointments that clash on the same day coming up. One in the morning and one in the afternoon. We are taking one kid in the morning and if they have the procedure we will be there a good few hours. DH has arranged for a family member of his to take the other kid in the afternoon but if the first DC doesn’t have the procedure (they sometimes cancel) we will both be able to take other DC to theirs.

I wanted the family member to be on hand and I asked DH to explain that we might be able to take other DC in the afternoon but he said that’s very rude and has just arranged even if we could be home and other DC in school? I told him how important it was that we as his parents went to the hospital with him if we were free but it’s all arranged now?

Would it be rude to have them on hand? DH said I’m being very rude and we should just let them take DC now. Or all go with family member!

OP posts:
Birch101 · 16/05/2025 16:08

Personally think it was ruder that you guys sat at home whilst someone else took your kid.

Just explain the situation and ask what easiest for them to plan their day

Ablondiebutagoody · 16/05/2025 16:14

Why can't you and DH do one appointment each?

GinAndJuice99 · 16/05/2025 16:14

I'm confused, why can't one of you take one kid and one take the other?

You say it's really important for afternoon kid that their parents are there but you've arranged it so there's a high chance neither of you will be. Unless I've read it wrong.

Original poster
StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 16:38

GinAndJuice99 · 16/05/2025 16:14

I'm confused, why can't one of you take one kid and one take the other?

You say it's really important for afternoon kid that their parents are there but you've arranged it so there's a high chance neither of you will be. Unless I've read it wrong.

Due to SN both of us need to be with the DC in the morning.

OP posts:
BarneyRonson · 16/05/2025 16:40

It isn’t rude at all, not in the slightest, to ask someone to be on hand to help IF REQUIRED.

CarpetKnees · 16/05/2025 16:51

No idea what your AIBU question is, to be able to vote, but the most logical thing to me would be to both take morning child to their procedure (if it happens), then one of you stay with them and the other take your other child to the appointment in the afternoon.

The family member who has kindly offered to help might need to be involved in bringing the child to the hospital, but I, as their parent would want to be there.

It sounds absolutely bizarre, if you are both available to then sit at home and neither of you go with the other child.

It sounds like life must be difficult, having two children needing important procedures on the same day Flowers

Reallyyyyyy · 16/05/2025 16:58

You both go to the morning appointment. Family member baby sits other child. Then 1 parent takes other child in the afternoon and other parent looks after child at home, surely?

Splain · 16/05/2025 17:13

Presumably it is not particularly fun to do the appt so I'm on your side - I think it would be very rude to still expect family member to do it while both of you are sat at home.

However I am very confused by the whole thing - if it's you and DH doing it then it takes both of you but if it's family member they are expected to do it on their own. Why are there no school pickups (or need to be home for the taxi) in the mix? Presumably it is very complicated and you don't owe us all the details, but this is MN so you'll get a million different suggestions.

Original poster
StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 17:19

Splain · 16/05/2025 17:13

Presumably it is not particularly fun to do the appt so I'm on your side - I think it would be very rude to still expect family member to do it while both of you are sat at home.

However I am very confused by the whole thing - if it's you and DH doing it then it takes both of you but if it's family member they are expected to do it on their own. Why are there no school pickups (or need to be home for the taxi) in the mix? Presumably it is very complicated and you don't owe us all the details, but this is MN so you'll get a million different suggestions.

It has to be both of us in the morning due to DC with SN but in the afternoon it could just require one person to take the other DC - sorry it’s very complicated!

OP posts:
Original poster
StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 17:22

But if the morning appointment goes ahead we could be there for a few hours which would clash with our other DC appointment so the family member would definitely need to take them, if it doesn’t go ahead it would mean us sitting in the house and the family member taking them anyway but DH said I was very rude to want him to ask for them to be on hand for us instead of outright getting them to take DC? Hope that makes sense!

OP posts:
TomeTome · 16/05/2025 17:28

Your DH is being ridiculous. What I would do is have relative bring pmDC to the hospital, then you leave DH with amDC and do the appointment then relative takes him home. If amDC is already out of hospital could relative stay with DH while you go with pmDC?
It is better for DC if the parent goes so that should be the focus.

ThejoyofNC · 16/05/2025 17:30

What do you mean by it takes two of you due to SN?

nomas · 16/05/2025 17:33

YANBU. It might be rude if you took dc back to give them ice cream or something, but it’s totally valid to want to them back to take them due to an appt.

nomas · 16/05/2025 17:34

ThejoyofNC · 16/05/2025 17:30

What do you mean by it takes two of you due to SN?

Does it really need a detailed explanation?

StrawberrySquash · 16/05/2025 17:38

It's not rude. It's not the same as a social occasion where failing to commit is rude. These are important appointments and you are trying to make sure both children get the best support possible.

Pickingdates · 16/05/2025 17:40

Yanbu.
Your husband is dim not to get it.

WilfredsPies · 16/05/2025 17:45

Your DH is being a complete idiot. The favour you’re asking is for the family member to be on call in case they’re needed. Hospital trips aren’t fun for anyone, let alone people who don’t have to be there. If you explain to the family member that there’s every chance they won’t be needed, that will be perfectly polite. If they find out that they’ve had to rush around getting DC to an appointment while you were sat at home on the sofa, that would be really rude. It’s not a social occasion where you’re asking them to make themselves available in case you can’t find anyone better to go with!

WilfredsPies · 16/05/2025 17:46

ThejoyofNC · 16/05/2025 17:30

What do you mean by it takes two of you due to SN?

Do you not know what SN is?

Mymanyellow · 16/05/2025 17:46

Who is looking after pm dc in the morning? Or will that one be at school?
In any case I’m sure family member won’t find it rude to be on standby if needed.

Botanybaby · 16/05/2025 19:49

Why oh earth are you not doing kid 1 with mum kid 2 with dad

Seems weird

Loramora · 16/05/2025 19:50

I'm not sure of the situation or what type of appointment it is but I work for a hospital that has a peadatric department and we don't normally allow family members who don't have parental responsibility/guardianship to bring children to their appointments so that might be something to query with the appointments office if the family member is going to bring them.

Just1712 · 16/05/2025 19:59

Your husband is massively complicating the thing. Anyone with a bit of sense would understand what you need. I would be miffed going out of my way to take sobeine else’s child somewhere if they could do it themselves. Can you not just explain this to family member and just ignore what your husband is saying

Bologneselove · 16/05/2025 20:07

Birch101 · 16/05/2025 16:08

Personally think it was ruder that you guys sat at home whilst someone else took your kid.

Just explain the situation and ask what easiest for them to plan their day

This

JillMW · 16/05/2025 20:08

It is a family member! Surely just ring and say what you said on here. I think sometimes when we are worried we can make unnecessary complications and this seems like one. No idea how it could be considered rude if you explain. If I was your mum and it was a treat afternoon with the second child I might feel disappointed not to go. But a medical appointment I would prefer the if need be arrangement.
Good luck, I hope all goes well

Original poster
StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 20:11

Botanybaby · 16/05/2025 19:49

Why oh earth are you not doing kid 1 with mum kid 2 with dad

Seems weird

Kid 1 needs both parents there due to additional needs.

OP posts: