Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this rude?

56 replies

StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 16:06

Both kids have medical appointments that clash on the same day coming up. One in the morning and one in the afternoon. We are taking one kid in the morning and if they have the procedure we will be there a good few hours. DH has arranged for a family member of his to take the other kid in the afternoon but if the first DC doesn’t have the procedure (they sometimes cancel) we will both be able to take other DC to theirs.

I wanted the family member to be on hand and I asked DH to explain that we might be able to take other DC in the afternoon but he said that’s very rude and has just arranged even if we could be home and other DC in school? I told him how important it was that we as his parents went to the hospital with him if we were free but it’s all arranged now?

Would it be rude to have them on hand? DH said I’m being very rude and we should just let them take DC now. Or all go with family member!

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 16/05/2025 20:16

I do not understand why it would be rude to ask a family member to be on standby to take second DC to their appointment if needs be.

Surely you just explain the situation 'we both need to be present for DC 1, however if their procedure is cancelled, we can take DC 2 to their appointment ourselves, we will let you know as soon as we know'.

How hard is that?

boredoflaundry · 16/05/2025 20:38

@StripeyBalloon have you spoken to the hospital(s) about rescheduling one of the appointments?
they’re usually pretty amenable and quick - even just moving the second appointment to the end of clinic and explain the position.

then you could ask “family member” to bring DC along for transport to your location (unless it’s different places?) and one of you meet them there.

before I send “family member” with DC2 to the afternoon appointment, I’d check with the clinic if it’s acceptable for them to come without a parent or legal guardian present. They might not be able to see them without you there. Even something as simple as an eye test.

when I take my DC I’m always asked who I am, or my DC is asked who I am and say “my mom”, as if presence is consent.
granny/uncle might provoke a different response from the healthcare provider.

Beerhy · 16/05/2025 20:53

People are so bloody weird on here. If she needs 2 parents to take the kid in the morning then she needs 2 parents to take the kid in the morning. We don’t know what the procedure is and we don’t need to know as that’s not the question. It’s not rude to ask someone to be on standby. It’s rude to expect it without discussing anything first, but you’re all adults! Just have a chat with family member and explain the situation. You don’t even know if the procedure is gunna be canceled so just go with the plan as it is and just let family member know that if it is cancelled then they are off the hook for having to help out.

SilviaSnuffleBum · 16/05/2025 20:57

Botanybaby · 16/05/2025 19:49

Why oh earth are you not doing kid 1 with mum kid 2 with dad

Seems weird

The OP has already clarified it is due to SN.
They really don't need to explain further.

Mum2girl · 16/05/2025 21:12

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask someone to be on stand by, if this person is close enough to look after your child then they are close enough to understand that if a parent is free then they will take the place and that you are grateful but won’t need the help.

Reallyyyyyy · 16/05/2025 21:21

Well then your best is re booking second appointment for a different day....

Kiki25 · 16/05/2025 21:28

I certainly wouldn’t find it rude to be asked to be on standby if there was a chance you wouldn’t be back but that there was also a chance i wouldn’t be needed atall. I find it odd your partner would say it is better to have a family member take your child to their appointment rather than one of their parents. I would be asking him about that.

Riaanna · 16/05/2025 22:06

StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 16:38

Due to SN both of us need to be with the DC in the morning.

Show quote history

Then you need to cancel the other apt. They aren’t allowed to discuss children with people who don’t have PR and that person cannot consent to anything.

londongirl12 · 16/05/2025 22:16

Agree you should cancel one of the appointments. My thoughts immediately went to DC2 who could potentially not have either parent there as they’re both with DC1. It would make me feel as though I wasn’t as important to them.

Emmz1510 · 16/05/2025 22:24

I think it’s a perfectly reasonable request and your OH is being ridiculous. If the family member does not want to be in the situation of not making any plans just in case you called then that’s totally their choice to make but I don’t think it’s rude at all to ask.

Whyisitsobloodycold · 16/05/2025 22:29

StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 17:22

But if the morning appointment goes ahead we could be there for a few hours which would clash with our other DC appointment so the family member would definitely need to take them, if it doesn’t go ahead it would mean us sitting in the house and the family member taking them anyway but DH said I was very rude to want him to ask for them to be on hand for us instead of outright getting them to take DC? Hope that makes sense!

It sounds like your DH is under his mothers thumb and afraid of upsetting her.

The child’s needs come FIRST, not her/the family member’s feelings. So in the event that you, as the child’s parents, are able to attend the afternoon appointment, then you do that. Family member should be relived as this is the most fitting solution for the child, and not “put out”.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 16/05/2025 22:33

I think it depends.

How important/serious is the second appointment?
Is the person looking after DC2 having to take time off work?
How much notice would they have if they are needed or not?

Babyghirl · 16/05/2025 22:40

Can you get said relative to go to app with one parent in the morning and second parent go to afternoon app.

Original poster
StripeyBalloon · 17/05/2025 09:14

Spoke to DH again and he said it’s all been arranged with transport and parking etc and to basically “drop it”
It’s his parents taking the other kid and that they would be happy to be the ones to be with our other child at his appointment. Ideally I do want to be there as it’s related to an injury and could involve X Rays or MRIs and the doctors explaining what’s wrong etc. If DH and I are just sitting at home it seems weird and not right? I can picture us all rocking up if DC in the mornings appointment doesn’t go ahead lol.

OP posts:
nomas · 17/05/2025 09:17

If DH doesn’t want to go that’s up to him, but he can’t stop you going. Do you drive? If you’re free just drive to PIL and say you’re taking dc to appt, one of them is welcome to join if they want.

DongDingBell · 17/05/2025 09:28

Yeah, I would absolutely phrase this to my Mum that if X happens, would she be able to take DC2 to the afternoon appointment, but if Y ends up happening, I'd be home in time to do it - and that we wouldn't know until the day what was happening.

I'd be embarrassed if my Mum was taking a child to an appointment while I sat on the sofa.

MagnoliaTreeBlossom · 17/05/2025 09:30

Hi,
Could you change the arrangements so a parent is with each child?

The other adult could accompany mum or dad to the morning appointment and whichever parent doesn't go in the morning goes with other child to afternoon appointment.

This gives you the two adults needed in the morning and a parent present for each child's medical appointment.

amigafan2003 · 17/05/2025 14:35

StripeyBalloon · 16/05/2025 16:38

Due to SN both of us need to be with the DC in the morning.

Show quote history

How on earth do single parents with SN children cope........

proximalhumerous · 17/05/2025 19:20

StrawberrySquash · 16/05/2025 17:38

It's not rude. It's not the same as a social occasion where failing to commit is rude. These are important appointments and you are trying to make sure both children get the best support possible.

Agree. You have no control over the morning appointment so it's not a question of playing fast and loose with someone's time, you're just making a contingency plan.

YoNoHeSido77 · 17/05/2025 19:23

StripeyBalloon · 17/05/2025 09:14

Spoke to DH again and he said it’s all been arranged with transport and parking etc and to basically “drop it”
It’s his parents taking the other kid and that they would be happy to be the ones to be with our other child at his appointment. Ideally I do want to be there as it’s related to an injury and could involve X Rays or MRIs and the doctors explaining what’s wrong etc. If DH and I are just sitting at home it seems weird and not right? I can picture us all rocking up if DC in the mornings appointment doesn’t go ahead lol.

Can’t the parents go with father to the morning appointment? Giving 3 people to help? Then you could go to the afternoon.

proximalhumerous · 17/05/2025 19:23

amigafan2003 · 17/05/2025 14:35

How on earth do single parents with SN children cope........

Show quote history

Something that constitutes "coping" can still be significantly sub optimal.

We don't know what the appointments are for, but it does sound as if the OP is carefully considering what would work best for those involved.

proximalhumerous · 17/05/2025 19:27

It does seem as if the OP's DH is being a bit hard of thinking, or is perhaps prioritising his parents' feelings (the small risk of them feeling marginally snubbed) over those of his child which would not impress me in this situation.

Snugs10 · 18/05/2025 09:43

nomas · 16/05/2025 17:34

Does it really need a detailed explanation?

Show quote history

She may not know what SN means

nomas · 18/05/2025 09:45

Snugs10 · 18/05/2025 09:43

She may not know what SN means

Show quote history

But knows what NC means.

librathroughandthrough · 18/05/2025 09:52

Could the relative and one of parents go to the first appt and the other parent take the afternoon appt