To only put energy into myself?

[AvidOpalMentor]

Lately, I’ve realised that I prioritise my own growth, happiness, and wellbeing over anything else. I used to invest energy in others but now I focus more on myself. It’s a shift that feels right but I know it might be seen as selfish. AIBU or is this just a necessary part of self-care?

Depends. Do you have kids? Are you married? Then YABU.

Sounds lonely to me

no partner? Children? Close friends or family that you truly love and care about?

Depends what you mean by 'invest energy in others' and who the 'others' are. If you've got a partner and kids then clearly it's not really feasible/fair to completely ignore their needs and YABU.

But if you mean just taking a bit of a step back from things like doing constant favours for friends or spending all your time listening to other people's problems while never getting a moment for your own mental wellbeing, then YANBU at all.

I would just remember to be aware that if you don't invest energy in others, they probably won't invest their energy back in you either, so don't necessarily count on the support of others if you aren't supporting them. But it really does depend on your individual circumstances and relationships I think, and what 'investing energy' actually means for you.

I get what you’re saying but I think there’s a difference between abandoning your responsibilities and simply not pouring all your energy into everyone else first. Even if you’re married or have kids, you still deserve to prioritise your wellbeing. In fact, I’d argue it makes you more present and grounded in those roles, not less. Self-neglect doesn’t serve anyone long term.

Not at all - it’s actually the oppposite. I’ve found that when I focus on myself, I have more clarity about who and what I genuinely want in my life. I still care deeply about others but I’ve stopped overextending or abandoning myself in the process. That’s not loneliness - it’s self-respect. You can love people and choose to invest in yourself first.

You are evading whether you have a partner (and happy with said partner!) and children?

It all sounds quite dramatic

I love prioritising others, and always my children, but it’s not at my expense because they give back to me in their own particular ways too

Putting all your energy into yourself isn’t just prioritising yourself, it’s not putting any energy into others. You can have energy for others and yourself.

Look into the philosophy of stoicism and you'll find parallels with what you're doing here.

it is not selfish to focus on self.

if you don't care about or give of yourself to others in any way, that's probably going to set you up for loneliness but it isn't selfish to prioritise your needs.

I’m deliberately not centring this around my relationship or parental status because the point is that anyone, regardless of life circumstances, can choose to prioritise themselves. The idea that self-investment is only valid if you’ve already “ticked the boxes” of a partner or children kind of proves the need for the shift I’m talking about.

What you've described sounds very sensible and reasonable.

Sometimes people say it's self-care and putting themselves first when they are actually being inconsiderate or uncaring towards others, but that doesn't sound like what you're doing.

It all depends on the person's starting point - some people could say "I'm putting myself first" and I'd think brilliant, at last, they will stop letting people walk all over them. Other people could say "I'm putting myself first" and I'd think wtf, haven't you always done that?!

It's important to remember that genuine, mutual relationships are a good thing though. Having each other's backs in hard times. Enjoying the good times together. So a little effort can be worth it where it's reciprocated in the long run. (It does sound like you're doing that, just not "overextending" yourself.)

That sounds pretty uncontroversial to me, but any energy I invest in relationships with other people is almost always very rewarding. I don’t view investing in others as divesting myself.

It sounds quite intense. I can’t say I actively “put energy into myself” or “practice self care”, I just live my life how I want to in a way which suits me, and broadly part of that is cultivating meaningful relationships and social interactions with other people. A lot of the therapy-talk around this stuff seems unnecessarily complex and adversarial.

odd.

Dramatic and all so black and white.
mi suspect you are lonely op but prefer to sell it to yourself as prioritising yourself op

so… go for it and enjoy

If you have kids, which it sounds like it does from your answer, then you’re not putting all your energy into yourself. As otherwise your kids would be neglected. So your title is disingenuous.

Prioritising yourself is fine and I agree that’s important for a happy functioning wife and mother.

If you aren’t a wife and/or mother, also crack on, what else are you gonna prioritise??

We are all the only person we’re going to be with for our whole lives. We’ve got to look after ourselves.

Thank you, this!!

I presume the op doesn’t have children

otherwise… it’s all a bit weird

As with most things in life, there is a balance to find. Sometimes you need to prioritise yourself, and sometimes you may need to prioritise others.

@Noodleit op didn’t say she doesn’t love or care about people. Said she wants to prioritise her growth. Which I think is a good thing. How can care and love others but not to the same to yourself?

What does this look like in reality if you do have children Op?

I am out in garden. It’s beautiful. I’m sunbathing on mumsnet and it’s bliss. Would I like to continue? Hell yes

but I’m going to prioritise picking up my teen from tennis club, and then another teen from chess club. But it doesn’t feel like a hardship because they’re both the loves of my life and I love them doing things that interest them

Depends if you have a partner/child. I’m a mum and a wife, I don’t prioritise myself all of the time no- my priority is my children which really is how it should be.

When you have a partner and children I think it’s about finding a balance.

If you read the op it’s more than prioritising her “growth” (shudder)

Theres such a thing as neglecting our own needs in favour of everyone else’s but there’s also such a thing as being self obsessed which is not good for anyone. I don’t that it is possible to make a blanket statement about this balance.

You're trying to pitch this now as you believing that if you're happy and fulfilled, you can be a good partner/mother etc. which most of us would agree - you can't be good to other people ifyou're half dead from exhaustion/stress etc.

But your OP says, "Lately, I’ve realised that I prioritise my own growth, happiness, and wellbeing over anything else. I used to invest energy in others but now I focus more on myself."

So no, I don't agree with you. I don't prioritise myself over "anything else". And I absolutely DO "invest energy in others". Don't mean I can't ALSO prioritise self care and looking after myself, but I certainly dont' centre that in every decision.

I’ve so far today put two pieces of fried chicken, a serving of carrots and peas, and two cappuccinos into me. That’s about 800kcal of energy I’ve put into myself?

Later today I will put more energy into myself, and some other units of energy in front of though not into other members of my family. (Probably in the form of beef bourguignon, possibly with mash.)