Page 3 | To only put energy into myself?

AvidOpalMentor · 2025-05-16T13:07:57+00:00

Lately, I’ve realised that I prioritise my own growth, happiness, and wellbeing over anything else. I used to invest energy in others but now I focus more on myself. It’s a shift that feels right but I know it might be seen as selfish. AIBU or is this just a necessary part of self-care?

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 07:19

Borgonzola · 17/05/2025 07:12

But whether or not you have children IS relevant. If I’d practiced self care and done exactly what I wanted to do yesterday I’d have been ignoring/neglecting the needs of a tiny baby and a 2yo. I really did fancy just sitting in the sun reading my book all morning, cracking out the wine at lunch and then napping but I didn’t as that would have been borderline abusive behaviour?

Added to which, you’d have got ZERO pleasure from prioritising “self care“ knowing your baby was suffering

I would prioritise my children in any life or death situation. I would take on my children’s suffering if I could. So really, i fail to see the big deal in making them the centre of my life

Talulahalula · 17/05/2025 07:29

I see the big deal in making the children the centre of my life when I have been the majority and mainly only parent for two decades. So I think ages of DC comes into it.
The problem is that if your DC (and work) are your sole priority for well nigh two decades, rebuilding a life beyond that is difficult because you are pretty much exhausted and starting from scratch to some extent.
So I guess not only whether you have DC but their ages and stages in life are also relevant.
I would have given a very different answer twenty, ten or even five years ago.
of course my DC will always come first if they need me, but routinely? No, they need to be getting some responsibility for themselves now and seeing me as a person too.

Lovageandgeraniums · 17/05/2025 10:33

I see where you are coming from op. There seems to be a strong culture of codependency and making your children your life (when a rounded person has other things going for them, especially as the children get older) on here.

Time and time again, mothers post about problems with their offspring which badly affect them. The OP is sometimes (often) berated, belittled and disregarded, while posters advise what she can further do to empty herself and be a container for everyone involved, in a suck-it-up kind of way.

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 14:41

Lovageandgeraniums · 17/05/2025 10:33

I see where you are coming from op. There seems to be a strong culture of codependency and making your children your life (when a rounded person has other things going for them, especially as the children get older) on here.

Time and time again, mothers post about problems with their offspring which badly affect them. The OP is sometimes (often) berated, belittled and disregarded, while posters advise what she can further do to empty herself and be a container for everyone involved, in a suck-it-up kind of way.

Do you have children @Lovageandgeraniums ?

minipie · 17/05/2025 14:53

JoyousEagle · 17/05/2025 06:36

I think that is literally the opposite of what people are saying. They aren’t saying you must have “ticked the box” of having children before you can take care of yourself, they’re saying that if you have children, you can’t decide to not invest energy in others.

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Agree

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 17/05/2025 20:22

GreenFressia · 17/05/2025 06:26

If you aren’t a wife and/or mother, also crack on, what else are you gonna prioritise??

Friends who need support, family members, career, voluntary work, pets, god children, neices and nephews - loads can fill your life, that's before you get into hobbies.

But someone can have time for these things in their life without putting any one of them before themselves. Indeed, spending time with a variety of people they enjoy being with, plus investing in their career or hobbies can be part of putting them self first as they are living a balanced life.

WinterFoxes · 18/05/2025 08:25

OP I think a good rule for self care is: always prioritise your own needs over other people's wants. But with loved ones, don't prioritise your wants over their needs. So if DH is ill with flu don't go out for the night and leave him to put DC to bed. But if you desperately need the loo and some food, don't spend an hour helping next door neighbour move furniture or DS finish a Lego build.

Rumbley · 18/05/2025 08:27

WinterFoxes · 18/05/2025 08:25

OP I think a good rule for self care is: always prioritise your own needs over other people's wants. But with loved ones, don't prioritise your wants over their needs. So if DH is ill with flu don't go out for the night and leave him to put DC to bed. But if you desperately need the loo and some food, don't spend an hour helping next door neighbour move furniture or DS finish a Lego build.

Edited

My teen wants to go to tennis club this morning
I don’t particularly want to drive him there

but I will prioritise his want over my want because I bloody love him so much and it will be no big deal at all.

In the OP’s world I am depriving myself 😂