To only put energy into myself?

[AvidOpalMentor]

Lately, I’ve realised that I prioritise my own growth, happiness, and wellbeing over anything else. I used to invest energy in others but now I focus more on myself. It’s a shift that feels right but I know it might be seen as selfish. AIBU or is this just a necessary part of self-care?

I’ve read the op and don’t see what the issue is. If this is something that she wants to do and is happy doing then crack on with it. Could it cause problems in her relationships? Possibly but that’s Ops problem. Plenty of people do this, women, men, parents and Childfree. They probably aren’t as open about it though.

Can you give some examples?

People who talk about growth , self care , prioritising themselves … often it’s an excuse to be wholly selfish .
Whilst everyone should make time for themselves for their own wellbeing and no one should be a slave to their family - the fact is if you have a partner / kids you will often naturally prioritise their needs over your own . Unless you are particularly self obsessed and selfish .

Impossible to say whether this is unreasonable without knowing whether you have children and, vitally, what 'more energy' actually means in real terms. Spending more energy on yourself could mean anything really.

It makes a difference if you have a partner or dc because seeing as you said you ONLY put energy into yourself then you are unreasonable.
Ifyou don’t have a partner and dc, then fair enough though I also put energy into my wider family, friendships and even some into work colleagues, as well as myself.

I do find that some people equate ‘self-care’ or ‘putting themselves first’ with never having to do anything that mildly puts them out or they don’t want to do even if it’s important to others. And then wonder why their family members or friends have become distant, when they basically opt out of anything that isn’t ideally timed, placed, whatever.

Balance is important, as in all things. But part of my self-care is taking care of relationships as friends and family are important to me, and I wouldn’t actually be putting myself first if I let those lapse. So naturally I put energy into those things and into other people.

I suspect this is an unhappy OP

I would say that I am doing this right now. Think I’ve got to the ‘time for me’ time of life. DC grown up and left home, parents passed away a couple of years back, and I took early retirement about a year ago. I’m married, but my husband is a healthy adult, so yes, it’s time to focus on myself. But focusing on what might make me happy doesn’t mean ignoring others, I enjoy going away with my husband, meeting friends and spending time with DC but it’s about doing the nice, social things rather than running around making sure everyone else is OK. I don’t think someone focusing on themselves is necessarily selfish or lonely, it could simply be that they are in a position where no-one in their life really needs to be dependent on them.

I think you’re probably right. I have a lot of acquaintances whose social media feeds are full of memes they post about their “growth” and “self care” and “letting the toxic energy go” and whatever, and I sometimes do some momentary internal scoffing; but actually if I really think about it, I can acknowledge that it all comes from a place of sadness, and being let down by the people they thought cared for them, and not liking themselves very much. Which I have sympathy for. I’ve never felt that I need to grow or invest in myself as a person, because I fundamentally like who I am, think I’m pretty awesome, and have always had very good people around me. Some other people sadly aren’t so fortunate.

You can't pour from an empty cup but I don't think what you describe is realistic. Circumstances matter too.

I have a child who sometimes needs to urgently go to the hospital. In that case everything else comes second, including any needs I have, and we go to the hospital and I spend as much time as needed there.

I might want to be in the garden, but I have to finish cooking the dinner because that's a responsibility I have.

But if I'm really sick with something, which doesn't happen often, or exhausted, then sometimes I will put resting first, because that's important too. Though if I do have to go to the hospital, off I go.

If you're connected to other people, I don't see how you can always put yourself first.

I have decided to do the same as people just let me down so much I’m just not going to rely / put them first anymore, I have completely stopped being a people pleaser and suit myself/ put myself first….if others don’t like it then……

Plenty of people do this, women, men, parents and Childfree. They probably aren’t as open about it though.

Completely agree….I do think people in general have become a lot more self focused in recent years, I personally think the shift started during the pandemic

That's not why people are asking. You asked if you are unreasonable to prioritise yourself. If you have kids then potentially yes you are! Though I don't really understand what you mean by prioritising yourself TBH.

Having given the OP some thought, I think a lot of people struggle with what prioritising themselves means, because they lack the confidence in themselves and care a lot about other people’s opinion of them. I suppose I do, most of the time, naturally put myself first, because I don’t have a problem at all with saying to somebody “sorry, I can’t drive you to the airport tomorrow afternoon because I’ve already made plans” or “thank-you for your invitation to your hen weekend in the Seychelles, it sounds awesome but I don’t have the annual leave or money in my budget this year because DH and I are going to Burning Man.” And I know that the people in my life will accept that, because they love me, and we won’t fall out over it (and if we did, I wouldn’t care.) If you don’t have that level of confidence in those around you, it becomes easy to try to appease them.

Whereas MN has taught me that a lot of people will continuously say a grudging “yes” to both of those things and more and then spend time afterwards seething at how it’s a real imposition and they’re sick of putting other people before themselves, because they fear other people’s view of them if they don’t.

So in the MN vernacular, you've stopped setting yourself on fire to keep other people warm?

Yes I think so too. For me, it’s not that I stopped putting energy into others and only prioritised myself, it was more that I took a step back. Tbf I realised that I was putting too much energy into others, mainly friends and was not doing anything for myself, stuff that I wanted to do. Friends and I were mainly all single at this point so going out a lot like 5/6 times a week. And I just got fed up. End of 2019 I stopped going out as much and made a list of goals. I saved money and it was greats had time to do what I wanted. Then covid happened so whilst I had time to focus on myself for a bit/spend time doing what I wanted, I was more use to it than my friends were, and they really struggled without having companionship and in terms of lockdown and furlough etc. The taking a step back actually made the friendships stronger as we were spending quality time together.

I’m deliberately not centring this around my relationship or parental status because the point is that anyone, regardless of life circumstances, can choose to prioritise themselves.

Well not really. There are times I can and do prioritise myself, there are times my children need to come first, recently a family member needed to come first at a time when I really could have done with a break, but their needs really had to be attended to. With relationships come responsibility to someone other than yourself, I’d rather have the relationships than have extra energy to throw at myself.

If you mean you’re not over extending yourself unnecessarily for others, that’s a different thing - we’re all better when life is in balance but to say anyone regardless of status can choose lacks insight into the lives some people lead.

I’m deliberately not centring this around my relationship or parental status

I LOVE my relationships and children and how I enjoy my life so much is by centring myself around them. But they don’t just take. They give me so much too.

i think you see your relationships as just taking from you.

If you aren’t a wife and/or mother, also crack on, what else are you gonna prioritise??

Friends who need support, family members, career, voluntary work, pets, god children, neices and nephews - loads can fill your life, that's before you get into hobbies.

I think that is literally the opposite of what people are saying. They aren’t saying you must have “ticked the box” of having children before you can take care of yourself, they’re saying that if you have children, you can’t decide to not invest energy in others.

Never heard this expression but it’s great.

I do understand what the OP is saying. I have been a single parent for many years and working full-time also being a people pleaser and I am definitely at the point where I need to take stock of what I want from my remaining years on the planet. Because it is definitely not more of the same. There’s a bit of a pressure here for me to profess my love for my DC in saying this but I have been the single constant provider in all ways and in truth, while I will still be doing that, I am done with it which is nothing to do with love or lack of it and all to do with emotional resources being depleted from this grind. The world relies on women’s unpaid labour and care in the domestic sphere and that has an emotional, physical and financial cost.

We are conditioned as women to put others’ needs first and often this is for good reason as children and families depend on it, but I think it is find to recognise that women have needs, wishes and interests beyond caring for others and if needs be for you own well-being, prioritise these.

(edited to add: of course I can’t decide not to invest energy in others but I can shift my outlook in what I say yes to)

I read so many posts where lives are being ruined by people sacrificing themselves in some way for others.

I congratulate you for putting yourself first.

If you have children it would be impossible to only put yourself first always, if you do social services would be called

But whether or not you have children IS relevant. If I’d practiced self care and done exactly what I wanted to do yesterday I’d have been ignoring/neglecting the needs of a tiny baby and a 2yo. I really did fancy just sitting in the sun reading my book all morning, cracking out the wine at lunch and then napping but I didn’t as that would have been borderline abusive behaviour?