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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not getting on with bf and it's his DC's birthday. WWYD?

73 replies

DaisyDaisyDaisyyy · 16/05/2025 06:54

My BF has been being a dick lately, I suspect this is the real him now the honeymoon period has worn off. Little things here and there, a barbed comment, starting to take issue with what I wear, how I look. Etc.

I'm not prepared to put up with that bollocks so I've backed off with the intention of ending things next week once something important is out of the way.

The problem is its his sons birthday on Sunday. He's having a party. My son is ofc invited and really wants to go (they are friends)

DS has no idea that things aren't working out between us and will be gutted if he can't go.

I will also feel unkind if I don't provide a card/present from DS as his DS knows us well by now.

Ugh.

What would you do?

Would I be unreasonable to do nothing and let the birthday pass? I fear I will be.

OP posts:
JustAnInchident · 16/05/2025 06:57

I personally would try and see this as separate from your partner. Sounds like you’re making the right call planning to break up with him but I’d be disinclined to upset both kids unnecessarily while you’re actually technically still together.

Bearhunt468 · 16/05/2025 06:57

Don't merge the kids friendship into your relationships. Buy the kid a present from your DC and you, let your DC attend the bday party and when you break up with bf say you want to be mature and don't let this affect the kids. They can still be friends.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 16/05/2025 06:58

How long have you been together?

If you're dumping him anyway, I would just leave it. Too confusing for the kids. Makes more sense not to give gifts, show your face etc.

NeedSomeComfy · 16/05/2025 06:58

Why would it be unreasonable? It's very common to wait for the right moment to break up with someone. This seems like a valid reason and you're only waiting an extra few days.
ETA perhaps I misread your intention to 'do nothing' as not to break up before the birthday, rather than not actually go to the birthday. In that case YABU. Go to the party, give the kid the present, break up afterwards.

Agix · 16/05/2025 06:58

Go to the party for your son and get the little boy a gift. That has nothing to do with your impending break up. I don't see the connection?

AnonWho23 · 16/05/2025 06:58

Personally, I would do nothing for now. I'd atte d the party. I'd keep myself a bit distant. Then I'd end the relationship in a few weeks. As long as he's not being abusive a few weeks won't. Akeany difference.

Asiama · 16/05/2025 06:59

I think I would place the focus on the children’s friendship rather than your relationship with your BF and let your child go with a present.

How old are your children? Could you drop him off at the party and pick him up later so that it’s less awkward for you?

SilverButton · 16/05/2025 06:59

Let DS go to the party and take a present. Don't let it stop you ending things next week though.

ApiratesaysYarrr · 16/05/2025 07:00

You'd get a card and present for one of your son's friends if you went to their party normally, so do that now. Starting the break up at his son's party would be a dick move, and involve his kid more than is needed.

Lovelysummerdays · 16/05/2025 07:00

Is it a normal sort of birthday party just drop your kids off with card and present in hand and leg it like the rest. Suggest coffee to a few other parents so you go back in a scrum. Then dump

Spies · 16/05/2025 07:00

Agix · 16/05/2025 06:58

Go to the party for your son and get the little boy a gift. That has nothing to do with your impending break up. I don't see the connection?

Agreed. The two situations are completely separate and it seems odd to tie them together. Your son and his are friends irrespective of the fact your relationship is on the rocks.

NatalieH2220 · 16/05/2025 07:03

Go to the party for your son.
Ignore the boyfriend as much as you can and end things as planned next week.
His child hasn't done anything wrong so I'd still go.

VirgosNeedGoals · 16/05/2025 07:03

How old are the kids? If they're old enough to have mobile phones etc and can keep in touch themselves there's no reason they can't still be friends. If they're 6/7 then I'd gently tell him once you've broken up that he'll probably need to focus on other friends. Either way I'd still go to the party, it's not the little boy's fault.

Well done on not taking any shit.

Zanatdy · 16/05/2025 07:04

I’d go to the party as your son will be disappointed, just keep up the pretence a few more days, then dump his ass.

Lapidarian · 16/05/2025 07:05

Let your child attend the party and then end things asap.

Original poster
DaisyDaisyDaisyyy · 16/05/2025 07:06

Thanks for your considerations

My inclination is to get the gift and go to the party, a friend of mine said it's not a good idea as it gives BF the impression I'm ok with his behaviour and it can be brushed under the carpet.

We've been together a year, with him being an increasing pain in the arse over the past two months.

DS loves his DS to bits.

OP posts:
AlertCat · 16/05/2025 07:08

This happened to me. Keep the kids out of it, so let your son go to the party with a present. It’s not the birthday boy’s fault that his dad is a dick!

CaptainFuture · 16/05/2025 07:08

When did the dc meet? What came first your relationship or kids friendship?

Original poster
DaisyDaisyDaisyyy · 16/05/2025 07:08

They are both 10 (birthday boy turning 11)

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 16/05/2025 07:10

DaisyDaisyDaisyyy · 16/05/2025 07:06

Thanks for your considerations

My inclination is to get the gift and go to the party, a friend of mine said it's not a good idea as it gives BF the impression I'm ok with his behaviour and it can be brushed under the carpet.

We've been together a year, with him being an increasing pain in the arse over the past two months.

DS loves his DS to bits.

You’ve let your son build a relationship with this child and are now thinking of punishing them both for the adults relationship not working out. This event is a children’s birthday party for children, it’s not about you or your partner scoring points. Take your son to the party and buy the kid a present, deal with your relationship in private

Original poster
DaisyDaisyDaisyyy · 16/05/2025 07:11

CaptainFuture · 16/05/2025 07:08

When did the dc meet? What came first your relationship or kids friendship?

Their friendship.

This question has put things into perspective actually.

We will go.

OP posts:
FortyElephants · 16/05/2025 07:12

Poor kids, their friendship is probably going to be damaged by the break up so put them first now and make nice for the party.

Spies · 16/05/2025 07:23

a friend of mine said it's not a good idea as it gives BF the impression I'm ok with his behaviour and it can be brushed under the carpet.

Your friend is talking nonsense. The two situations are completely separate from each other. Your son attending his friends party means nothing regarding yours and your boyfriends relationship.

Original poster
DaisyDaisyDaisyyy · 16/05/2025 07:25

I agree with the majority, I just wanted some perspective outside of my immediate friend group. The friend who said IWBU to go really dislikes bf as she has been privy to his recent behaviour which has coloured her view.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 16/05/2025 07:30

Another option is to drop DS off at the party like any other guest, say a quick happy birthday to his friend, and leave then pick him up later then dump bf afterwards, eg the next day.

If DS asks why you’re not staying you could make an excuse. If bf asks why say you’re unhappy with X, Y or Z he’s said/done oe that you’ll explain later.