AIBU to be angry at my husband for spending 3.5 hours at the gym on the day of our baby girls first birthday?

[burns4273]

Please help.

I'm going to buck the husband bashing thread.

Your child is one and will be oblivious to what day of the week it is so your husband probably can't see what all the fuss is about.

No it seems like loads of women (at least those on Mumsnet) don't like birthdays. They especially don't like getting gifts ("I have everything I need..... I don't need random stuff") 😂
It's not a man thing going by Mumsnet.

Who on earth spends 3.5 hours at the gym?

Even if he attended an exercise class for an hour then spent some time in the gym, this is a ridiculous amount of time.

Are you sure he is not doing something else when he claims to be at the gym?

But yes it shows that you and your child are not his top priority.

Very much agree. There are certainly low standards on MN.

Your child will not even know it's their birthday, will not remember it or have any clue who was there or not.

This was just you putting on a performance for a day that has no meaning to the person it was really about so YABU.

If your child was old enough to actually understand it was their special day it might be different, although if he left at 6am to go to the gym and was back by 9.30am it still wouldn't really matter, so it depends what time of the day he was at the gym even then.

It was your childs birthday, not yours.
It wasn't about you.

We planned a family day out on our DD’s first birthday, she didn’t care at the time of course, but she likes looking at the pictures now that she’s older. It’s about priorities, it’s one day when you prioritise someone else.

I don’t care much for my own birthday either, but my childs birthday I try to make special for her.

For some people birthdays arent seen as something to be making a big deal over. I don't think a first birthday for a baby is important as they don't know. For myself I'm not bothered either. I wouldnt be holding a 1st bday party, might stretch to a nice cake for ourselves and thats it. Equally I only celebrate my milestone birthdays and even then low key stuff.

That doesn't mean I have low standards its just not something I'm that bothered about. And if my partner went to the gym for 3.5hrs on my child's 1st bday it wouldn't bother me so long as we had some time together in the evening to eat some cake.

We’re talking about a 1yo who has no concept of what a birthday is, though.

If it were an older child who would be upset at their dad missing out then fair enough.

We’re talking about a baby with absolutely no concept of what’s going on.

If someone wants to spend their time and money on a 1yo’s birthday then that’s of course absolutely fine, but it’s just one of several valid choices and doesn’t mean you’re better than someone who didn’t do anything.

That would annoy me too.

If there was a party being organised, family get-together, anything involving socialising or preparing to socialise, then I'd be massively annoyed if he was gymning it up between the hours of 7am and 9pm. If there wasn't any of the above, then I'd be ok with it. Haven't RTFT so might be light on info here.

If he was still able to spend time with the child in the rest of the day it's probably not worth getting angry about.
You say "please help" but others don't know all the circumstances. Presumably you can talk to him about it?
From the limited information in OP it appears YABU

Whilst more context is needed, 3.5 hours at the gym does seem a ridiculously long time.....especially on your DD's birthday.

I don't think going to the gym on child's birthday is bad as such HOWEVER 3.5 hours is utterly ridiculous unless he's adding in swim, sauna, lunch + a long journey AND there aren't jobs to be done prepping for a party/family arrival AND you didn't ask him to give it a miss or make it clear there wasn't time today AND you also have similar free time. So lots of caveats but I'm guessing as you're posting on here he's just a bit of a selfish arse who does his own thing regardless and either uses the gym as a convenient excuse to opt out of parenting/housework or is having an affair.

The baby has no idea what a birthday even is. So, at most, you might have a piece of cake and a quick photo of her. Takes 10 minutes, tops. So even if he's out for 3 hours, he can still do the cake thing.
OP, people still have lives, even when they have children. Maybe, over the weekend, you can go out and do something by yourself, while your partner looks after the child?

Very little context here but as usual for some it turns into a man bashing thread… Although there are some sensible replies here.

How far away is the gym? If it’s a half an hour drive each way then it’s actually incredibly easy to do a couple of hours in the gym especially if he’s lifting weights and hitting different muscle groups.

When did he leave - was he done first thing in the morning and back mid morning? What did he actually miss during the day?

Why do you need to be chained to your baby all day because it’s their birthday? They won’t remember!

Without any context this thread is pointless but it’s catnip for the man bashers.

As ever, we see that people live such separate lives from their partners. The replies on here are plain weird.
It's strange to go to the gym for 3.5 hours anyway. OP it is shocking that he did that and I also would not be happy.
Don't be confused by the weirdos here saying that a first birthday doesn't require two parents. I get that you wanted to spend the day as a family celebrating a special milestone for you all (not just your baby). Hugs to you.

The replies on this site make me realise how fucking odd people are.

I never understand some peoples views on things like this. If it’s important to the other person it’s important. Just because it’s not important to you doesn’t mean you can ignore the situation.

This applies to birthdays, Christmas, baby showers, anniversaries.

Just because you don’t like Christmas or baby showers doesn’t mean it’s not important to the person and by not showing up it’s sending a message the person isn’t that important to you.

Yes it’s a first birthday and yes the baby will never know but it’s important to the mother. That alone should be enough for her partner to make an effort.

Well we don't know if he did or didn't? All we know is he went to the gym for 3.5hrs on the day. Was her expextstion he spends whole day by their side and thats why she is angry? Or was it because he had been at work then went to gym and missed a party she organised? Who knows...we need more context

YANBU. Gym is not an appropriate way to spend your time if you are a parent, unless the whole family goes to the gym (swimming pool attached to the gym, young classes in the same gym). As a father he needs to spend time with his family, birthday or not. Gyms are for single preening people. Lots of physical activity for him and the child without gym preening - he can run in the park with your dd's buggy, he can put a heavy rucksack on his back and take your dd in his arms and work out that way, etc. etc. He behaves like a single prick, not a father.

One of the most ridiculous takes I’ve ever seen on MN. Incredible that these people walk among us!

Exactly this.

When you celebrate your baby's first birthday, it's a milestone for all of you. A year ago you were at the hospital just meeting your child for the very first time, and if it's your first child, becoming parents. Now you're celebrating a whole year of getting to know your child, surviving the challenges that the last year has thrown at you, the first year of your new family in its current form.

It's weird for a parent not to want to be there for that.

My parents have been there for most, or possibly even all of my children's birthdays, and they live in a different country and are not my children's parents.

I would find it so strange and sad if my husband didn't want to be there, taking a full part in the day.

My son's first birthday was on a Friday and my husband and I both had to work that day. His childminder made him a little cake with a candle in it and sent me a picture of him with it in his high chair at lunchtime. My gut reaction was sadness that she celebrated that milestone with him first, and not me. But I got over it because he didn't know it was his birthday, she was doing a kind thing, and we celebrated with him that evening and at the weekend. I can't imagine what is going through the head of someone who opts out of a big chunk of their child's first birthday in favour of going to the bloody gym! Like, if you really must go to the gym every day including on your child's first birthday, just go for an hour when they are having their nap. Don't make a half day of it and leave your partner to do all the birthday stuff as well as the normal childcare stuff on her own.

If my husband did this on our child's first birthday I'd probably take it as a sign that he didn't think our child and our family was that important, and that over the years many other events and milestones would play second fiddle to whatever he wanted to do. I'd be anticipating 18 years of going to school plays and parents evenings on my own, and being the one to take my child to their hobbies every week because he would always have something more important to be doing.

Because if you can't be arsed to make an effort for your child's first birthday, it doesn't bode well for their second, fifth, tenth or 18th. Or any of the days in between.

YANBU and he wouldn’t have been constantly exercising all that time. He didn’t want to spend time with his baby on her birthday, which is really sad. Does he frequently spend this amount of time at the gym?

The birthday is irrelevant, the child has no notion that the day is meant to be special

That being said, if a partner is spending so much time out of the house on a hobby that it's pissing the other partner off it's generally because the relationship is on the rocks. And more often than not there is unfaithfulness involved. Either a physical or emotional attachment to a third party.