Should I worry about this and/or is weird?

[LemonGrarse]

DH is 46 and we’ve been together for 10 years and have one DD. He’s a good husband and father, has never given me any reason to doubt him.

We’ve always had separate hobbies and for DH those hobbies are hill walking/hiking and running. He always runs alone, but his hikes are either solo or with male friends (usually the latter).

A few months ago, he mentioned he was doing a 10k with someone from work, who was also into running. She’s female, 25 years old. He was completely transparent about it, said they are friendly at work and they agreed to both enter the event.

Anyway, he did that, and all was fine. However, since then the friendship seems to have gone up a notch. They’ve got another 10k planned, and she’s never hiked before, so he’s suggested she tag along on one of his solo hikes at some point.

I have actually met her, briefly, after the 10k, and she was perfectly pleasant, and there was nothing from how they are with each other that made me particularly suspicious. However, I can’t get over the nagging feeling I have that I should worry somehow, or the friendship is odd.

He's completely transparent about everything and there’s no other suspicious behaviour. In fact, he never mentions her other than in relation to the runs. I’ve not told him how I feel. He’s always looked younger than his age and has a youthful energy (for want of a better word), and I’m worried there’s more to all this.

AIBU?

Beware. This was the exact scenario that led to my friend's divorce and her husband of 25 years moving in with his running partner 2 weeks after they split on the basis there was noone else!!!

I’ve got to be honest, I wouldn’t be happy for mine to start going off on solo hikes with a female companion.
One of my cousins (who you wouldn’t have marked as a flirt/ladies man type AT ALL) end up having an affair with a younger woman he started walking with. They started off in the same walking group then progressed to going on their own. She was having problems with her relationship, he was a good listener, the rest is history!

What exactly is it you’re worried about? I go hiking and climbing with male friends, one of whom I met through work, and I can assure you that, being happily married myself, I don’t have any designs on their virtue.

I’m worried there is a growing mutual attraction. I appreciate that might be irrational and I don’t want to come across as that kind of person if it’s a genuine friendship over a mutual interest. That’s why I’m asking for an outside view.

But is there any basis whatsoever for this? You say his behaviour is unchanged and he’s completely upfront about walks with her, and nothing about either of their behaviour when together in any way gave rise to this suspicion.

Doesnt he have any other female friends?

That nagging feeling is your gut telling you to beware… whilst a small proportion of friendships like this can remain completely innocent, it usually snowballs to an affair (experienced first hand with ExH and colleague, and friends have had the same!!). I’d speak to him and be totally honest without being accusatory. If he respects you/your marriage, he will totally understand and nip it in the bud.

Yes, he has other female friends, mostly closer to his own age and in long term relationships, who I’ve met. I think the difference here is her age, which has probably made me feel insecure, and the fact they have a mutual interest.

I do accept this might all be in my head and I do beat myself up for feeling like this.

I have had two different situations like this, with two different DPs.

Situ one: to me, a woman was clearly interested in my OP. He didn't see it, even after I pointed it out. Until one night she tried to manouevre me out of an evening , then he saw it.

Situ two: then DP just kept being with this woman in events.

Trust your gut OP.

My friend does 10Ks with her male colleague; he’s a good bit younger than her. They’re definitely not having an affair!

There are two things I wouldn’t like about this. The first, as you say, is her age. If my 46 year old husband suddenly palled up with a 25 year old man in any way that wasn’t paternal or to do with mentoring I would also find that weird. Unthreatening sexually, sure - but definitely weird. So I think it’s fair to feel even weirder about it in relation to a young woman. The second thing I wouldn’t like is the inclusion of her into a previously solitary activity. If he generally wanted walking/running buddies surely he would already have some. Why is she special? That said, I do know a young woman who made friends in exactly this way with a significantly older guy and there was nothing untoward about it at all. Think they’re still friends several years on. So whilst I totally see why you’re uncomfortable it may be ok. I think you should have a chat and see what he says.

Is she attractive?

I don't think the running would bother me as they're events and only going to be a couple of hours here and there... Hopefully.

Hiking though is, I'm assuming going to be a full day together and they'll be chatting, having a bite to eat, maybe stop for a drink... That's what would bother me. It's more intimate than running 10K with loads of others.

It sounds dodgy to me.

Why would a 25year old woman go hiking with a 46 year old man alone? Surely she’d rather plan a hike with a friend her own age? Ask him for tips/routes etc yes, but for them to go solo? Odd. From experience she’s probably got designs on him and 46 year old men are usually flattered… I wish I could be more reassuring but I think my gut would be as uncomfortable as yours.

Also, the difference is he isn’t alone with them and spending hours talking and getting to know them. This isn’t a hobby like tennis or football that they share and would be doing together but not able to chat much - this is hours and hours of alone time where they’re getting to know each other and discovering their shared interests and similarities. They aren’t going to be talking about the weather in all that time!

This scenario lends itself to them forming a bond a lot more quickly than someone who works with the same colleagues for years but only gets to chat at lunch or a coffee break. It’s essentially the scenario a couple who have been set up on a blind date find themselves in at the getting to know you phase where they spend time together sharing information while engaging in a shared activity. But this will be longer than a normal date I’m guessing.

I wouldn’t be happy OP.

You can listen to the previous posters and become suspicious and mistrustful of a husband that has shown you zero reason.

or you could talk to the person you love and say that you’re not sure how you feel about it and you’d like to talk more about it.

Or you could take up a hobby that involves spending lots of time alone with a younger male colleague, and see how you and DH feel about that.

🤦‍♀️!

Might take a while….

OP if you trust your DH, this shouldn’t be an issue IMO!

I don’t understand the suspicion on this thread. Either you trust your partner or you don’t. If you don’t, you don’t have a relationship anyway. And if you are unhappy with the friendship what are you going to do about it anyway? You can’t tell him who to be friends with?!? That’s really controlling.

If this did turn into a relationship then your relationship was probably doomed anyway (which it doesn’t sound like it is). People don’t just run off with other people unless there’s trouble at mill already.

But my main focus would be that he hasn’t given you any reason at all to think there is anything other than what he has said going on. Not even mentionitis.

if you are still worried, why don’t you get to know her. Invite yourself on the hike. Get her round for dinner. Whatever. Make her a couple friend rather than a him friend. Might make you feel more comfortable.

Disrespectful to you and your marriage on many levels. It will end in tears.

As a 40 something year old bloke who works with a bunch of women in their 20s, what on earth makes you think they'll be remotely interested in him?

Do only attractive people have affairs ?

Yeah either we know the same people or this exact scenario is more common than we like to think!

The couple I know were ‘just friends’ and have recently had a baby together. Weird.

I would not trust the situation - rather than not trust your husband. We don't know much about his younger colleague or what their roles at work are. But in my opinion it is time for you to take up hiking... sorry but that is probably the only thing that would nip 'it' in the bud. Get some great gear you look good in and just go for it and show your husband what a great wife he has... I have been divorced and I can just sense where there is something wrong in a marriage and I have been proved right quite a few times, sadly. I seriously fear for you. Trust your gut.

A tricky situation, you may be seen as the bad guy if you raise some queries. It’s never ‘Kevin from accounts’ they go off with, is it? It Could be innocent but I would not buy it. It’s also crossing a work boundary potentially, she could accuse him of anything. Trust your gut