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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be starting to resent buying kids gifts?

98 replies

Poiuytrewqa · 15/05/2025 17:14

I undoubtedly am but need to vent.

i don’t have children.

I do have a goddaughter who’s eight and buy for her every birthday and Christmas. I have been friends with her DM for many years but only see her a couple of times a year. At one point I began realising I only saw her when dropping off DGD’s gifts so now I keep them until I have lunch with her DM.

I have another friend who has two children. I also buy for them every Christmas and birthday. I assumed they bought for each other’s kids (the three of us are good friends with each other, meet up together etc). But they’re not, they’ve got an agreement not to.

I also have two nieces, another two goddaughters and a very close cousin has just had a baby.

Cousin has always been very good to my nieces, bought them gifts etc. so it’s established and expected that the cousins will buy for the children in the family.

Which I don’t begrudge, but I’ve also got three goddaughters plus best friend’s two.

So that’s now eight children I’m buying for with more on the way. I love spoiling my nieces and if anything their mother probably wishes I’d stop, but IABU to be starting to resent the cost of buying for the others? As I say, when cousin was childless she and her sister always spoiled my sister’s children so that expectation has been set and a token gift would look cheap.

Just a bit of a whinge really but it’s starting to cost a fortune and with the exception of nieces and BF’s two I hardly ever see the kids or parents!

OP posts:
telestrations · 16/05/2025 09:10

I think it's really sad how poor most people seem to see the commitment of being a godparent.

I really value my two godmothers and while they did give regular small gifts they were mostly a book or small voucher. It was their time, attention and as I got older their perspectives that I cherished. That of another adult who was not my parent. I now see or write to both regularly and both are now part of my DS's life along with his own godfather.

Though gifts are of course not obligatory I can see that they were a way to keep a line going during the awkward years between when they saw less of my parents, inevitable as all were busy with work and their own families, and I wasn't yet a young adult able to maintain my own relationship with them.

onwards2025 · 16/05/2025 13:31

I think you are possibly overthinking it - I'm not convinced they will be as bothered or offended as you think, especially if not everyone else is doing gifts.

Continue gifts for the nieces, downgrade the god children and friend children to nice cards only.

Mary46 · 16/05/2025 15:23

Hi op I get what you saying. My list is endless. Im stopping one this year he be 22. Where does it end. I hinted to my sister could we knock it on head now. No. Card for my son 23. So starts up again. Feel cost living people be happy stop but no. Ive 8. Thats nieces newph godkids in that

Youstolemygoddamnhouse · 16/05/2025 15:47

If you resent it then surely just stop doing it? Or just focus on the nieces? How much are you spending in total per year?

Who is expecting you to gift the children presents? The parents or children? Both? That’s quite entitled behaviour. You don’t need to give them presents to show them love. Nor should they be expecting all these presents. Do you get gifts from these people?

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 09:24

Mary46 · 16/05/2025 15:23

Hi op I get what you saying. My list is endless. Im stopping one this year he be 22. Where does it end. I hinted to my sister could we knock it on head now. No. Card for my son 23. So starts up again. Feel cost living people be happy stop but no. Ive 8. Thats nieces newph godkids in that

This is so strange @Mary46

so this conversation…

you “hint” to knock present buying on the head? How
and your sister says “no”

but then just gets your son a card

FGS buck up! Just stop buying and get him a card.

So bizarre families that operate like this. Like a group of people that don’t really like one another let alone love and care for one another.

Furiousfive · 17/05/2025 09:32

Why not stop the Xmas gifts for all except your nieces? Reduce the size of the birthday gifts for the godchildren and friends' kids so they are more token gifts, then it's not like you're suddenly cutting them off abruptly.

Mary46 · 17/05/2025 16:34

Dont twist what i said Rumbley. I mean everyone has agree to stop the gifts. The kids have plenty. But she wants keep it going.

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 16:36

Mary46 · 17/05/2025 16:34

Dont twist what i said Rumbley. I mean everyone has agree to stop the gifts. The kids have plenty. But she wants keep it going.

* Im stopping one this year he be 22. Where does it end. I hinted to my sister could we knock it on head now. No. Card for my son 23. So starts up again*

she wants it to carry on…. You buying her son a present whilst she buys yours a card.

how have I twisted anything?

Rumbley · 17/05/2025 16:37

My point is i can’t imagine “hinting” to my sister and her response being… NO!! You must buy my son a present and I will buy yours son a card.

S0j0urn4r · 17/05/2025 16:51

I would stop buying for the ones you don't see regularly.
Just send a card. It's the thought that counts.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 17/05/2025 16:57

OP I get how you feel.

I buy for my own 2 children, 4 nieces/nephews, 4 Godchildren and their siblings, then a few other children of friends, so 20 birthdays & Christmas. Then there are also both my DC’s school friends who invite them to parties.

I love choosing and wrapping presents, making it exciting for the children. What I slightly resent though is that some of us barely see each other now, so it feels less personal than I’d like as I don’t really know some of the children as well, I actually now know the school friends of my own 2 children a lot better, and really enjoy buying for them, as I chat to them daily on my 3 school runs and when they visit our home. My children can also advise me of their interests. It feels more meaningful as we have relationships with them based on much more frequent contact if that makes sense.

tigerlily9 · 17/05/2025 17:01

Just buy gifts if are seeing them on their actual birthday or Christmas. Otherwise a card and some cash if very soon or nothing if seeing months later. Do you get a thank you letter? That would help me decide who gets anything

Original poster
Poiuytrewqa · 17/05/2025 17:28

tigerlily9 · 17/05/2025 17:01

Just buy gifts if are seeing them on their actual birthday or Christmas. Otherwise a card and some cash if very soon or nothing if seeing months later. Do you get a thank you letter? That would help me decide who gets anything

I always get a thank you video of them opening their presents.

OP posts:
TravellingJack · 17/05/2025 17:56

Could you cut back on one of the gift occasions instead of tying yourself in knots about who to cut out? I’d suggest only buying a birthday gift and just send a card at Christmas, as birthdays are hopefully a bit spread out, whereas Christmas is everyone at once. Hopefully it should be easier to message your friends/cousins etc to say that’s what you’re doing due to cost of living, because it’s too much to buy for however many children all at once, and you can start this new tradition this year…

stclementine · 17/05/2025 18:41

Andylion · 15/05/2025 17:58

**
I have another friend who has two children. I also buy for them every Christmas and birthday. I assumed they bought for each other’s kids (the three of us are good friends with each other, meet up together etc). But they’re not, they’ve got an agreement not to.

OP, your friends don’t expect gifts from each other but are happy to get them from you? That seems off to me.

That’s the joy of being the childless one. You are expected to pay out because of course we are all rolling it it. Expected to be the generous godmother and buy expensive gifts and obviously leave them all something in the will. And yet we are also expected to suck all of this up and never expect anything for our own birthdays/Christmas etc.

Mary46 · 17/05/2025 18:44

Theres so many now. We have loads winter birthdays then xmas. My neighbour said they cut it all out. Definitely gets costly..

ITryHarder · 19/05/2025 22:18

Then, just stop. Do these people all know each other? If there're a couple you're extremely close to, continue if you want. But some might not even notice no gift came this year, and others might be too embarrassed to say "where's my gift". And as kids grow, it's hard to know what they're into anyway. Sometimes a gift is just tossed aside or re-gifted. Are you receiving a personal "thank-you" with each and every gift? I don't see the gift-giving as the main problem. I see it as you're afraid of what everyone will think.

ChocolateGanache · 20/05/2025 06:28

Springhassprungxx · 15/05/2025 18:07

I stick a fiver in a card for my Godchildren and tell them to buy some sweets - no effort and not much money - works well.

Do this 👍

doodahdayy · 20/05/2025 06:35

I wouldn’t expect my friends to buy presents for children they aren’t blood related to. Some have actually asked and I said don’t bother. We have enough junk. Perhaps the parents would be relieved?

Koalafan · 20/05/2025 07:27

Stop doing presents for the ones you no longer want to give any gifts to.
Tactfully tell the parents.
Perhaps give something on 16th or 18th or 21st, as that's a bigger birthday.
It's as difficult as you choose to make it.

mondaytosunday · 20/05/2025 08:03

Just stop doing it! I used to buy gifts for a couple kids but one year the mother texted me in APRIL saying she knew I had sent Xmas gifts but ‘they got so many I can’t remember what you sent but thanks’. Well that was the last time.
I sed to get my God son gifts but only at milestones, not regularly.
My friends all had kids before me and I used to give gifts fur a while. I noticed when I eventually had my own no one gave them gifts. Lesson learned too late: only give to immediate family possibly godkids, but only if you see them on the day.

ZenNudist · 20/05/2025 08:09

Just say its getting too much and you are reigning it back in.

Unless you are spending £50-100 then I doubt its a present they will miss.

ITryHarder · 20/05/2025 15:12

mondaytosunday · 20/05/2025 08:03

Just stop doing it! I used to buy gifts for a couple kids but one year the mother texted me in APRIL saying she knew I had sent Xmas gifts but ‘they got so many I can’t remember what you sent but thanks’. Well that was the last time.
I sed to get my God son gifts but only at milestones, not regularly.
My friends all had kids before me and I used to give gifts fur a while. I noticed when I eventually had my own no one gave them gifts. Lesson learned too late: only give to immediate family possibly godkids, but only if you see them on the day.

When my nieces and nephews were young, maybe up to 10, I bought them gifts, but after that I too, gave only for those I was going to see, even on Christmas. And like you, I gave often but when my kids were young and theirs were older, my SIL said that maybe it was time to stop with the gifts since there were so many. My mom stepped in with 'now wait a minute. When yours were young, she bought for them any time she saw something throughout the year'. They remembered and rethought it.

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