To be starting to resent buying kids gifts?

[Poiuytrewqa]

I undoubtedly am but need to vent.

i don’t have children.

I do have a goddaughter who’s eight and buy for her every birthday and Christmas. I have been friends with her DM for many years but only see her a couple of times a year. At one point I began realising I only saw her when dropping off DGD’s gifts so now I keep them until I have lunch with her DM.

I have another friend who has two children. I also buy for them every Christmas and birthday. I assumed they bought for each other’s kids (the three of us are good friends with each other, meet up together etc). But they’re not, they’ve got an agreement not to.

I also have two nieces, another two goddaughters and a very close cousin has just had a baby.

Cousin has always been very good to my nieces, bought them gifts etc. so it’s established and expected that the cousins will buy for the children in the family.

Which I don’t begrudge, but I’ve also got three goddaughters plus best friend’s two.

So that’s now eight children I’m buying for with more on the way. I love spoiling my nieces and if anything their mother probably wishes I’d stop, but IABU to be starting to resent the cost of buying for the others? As I say, when cousin was childless she and her sister always spoiled my sister’s children so that expectation has been set and a token gift would look cheap.

Just a bit of a whinge really but it’s starting to cost a fortune and with the exception of nieces and BF’s two I hardly ever see the kids or parents!

But we don’t have to feed into that expectation, if OP keeps buying they’ll keep expecting

Just tell them that you are cutting back on presents as too much for you - it would take a total bustard to take offence at that - they will probably agree as by 8 the amount of stuff that builds up is crazy toy and present wise!

Keep giving for your nieces imo as you have a relationship with them - the others are just kids of your friends - it is the friend you have the relationship with.

Perhaps the God daughter you could just buy a book for each birthday - which is more in line with a godparent role imo than just a supplier of presents.

OP just you whom you want to buy for. There are no obligations to buy gifts other than those we create. That's not to say there is no consequence if you stop doing weigh that up.

no need to buy for anyone you don’t want to. Definitely not the godchildren. Why did you even start?

This is tricky and I assume all children are relatively young. I think it’s ok to only buy for the kids you are close to (whether family or not), rather than getting yourself in to the situation of buying for kids you barely see for potentially another decade plus until they become adults. It’s difficult to stop once you start but maybe have a cut off of say 10 years/ end of primary school.

I have a friend like you, no kids, who for various reasons has ended up buying for around 10 children every Christmas. Not big things, think pyjamas/ or nice T-shirt with selection box, but must be expensive and time consuming.
one of those is my child, I don’t expect her to buy for him and would understand if she stopped but I have to say it is very appreciated that she thinks of him and he appreciates it too. I would never want her to continue if she couldn’t afford it or became a chore though

In the last few years, the girls in my friendship group started having babies. When a baby was born, the rest of us would club together and buy a good quality gift from us all.
When the first baby was about to turn 1, one of the girls said “are we going to club together for a gift for her birthday or buy our own individuals?” I was very quick to say “count me out of a group gift as I think it may end up getting a bit much…over the years as more and more children are born in our group, it’s going to become chaotic if we set a precedent of buying gifts for every birthday.” Everyone agreed with me, so we’ve never done birthday presents, just when they are born. Which I’m SO glad about now, as some of the women have two children now, there’s seven altogether and two of us (Inc me!) are currently pregnant with our first, so by the end of this year there’ll be nine children in our group. That’s (almost!) a present a month to think about/buy etc.

Id never expect any friends (from this group, or any from other friendship groups) to buy a birthday present for my child.

I do think it’s kind of expected that as godparent relationship is noted in some way. It’s being another adult they can turn to, chat with, open up about problems with.

My kids’ godmother has always bought them a book or something for their birthday, and occasionally they go out for ice cream together. It’s lovely of her and they appreciate her very much.

If you want to scale back more subtly than stopping cold turkey, OP, could you head towards a joint gift for the children in the families you know? a game or puzzle for them to do together or a project like building a bird box?
The following year scale down again to box of sweets or similar.

Because she was my only goddaughter and only child I knew. Then my niece arrived and there was no question about buying for her.

Then friend had two other goddaughters and I felt I couldn’t buy for the first one without the other two. Then best friend had a baby at the same time as my oldest niece and we took them out together a lot so she bought a token gift for niece at Christmas and birthday and so I reciprocated. Then came the second child and now my cousin’s child, and cousin has been buying for two nieces for years. So that’s how.

I have two godchildren and buy for 4 other children, which I've done for the past 15 + years, plus my niece and nephew. It's becoming a bit much particularly as I barely see the godchildren or other 4. I have decided I will stop when they all turn 18.

Maybe read this wrong but your friend got your nieces child a present - why did you reciprocate? Shouldnt it have been your niece?

Just tell everyone you're cutting back on presents. People only expect stuff cause you keep buying it but a lot of people would rather do without it.

You just need to be honest and tell them it is costing you too much.

Too late for you, but I don't have kids and I made a point of never giving gifts as it is difficult to stop.

**
I have another friend who has two children. I also buy for them every Christmas and birthday. I assumed they bought for each other’s kids (the three of us are good friends with each other, meet up together etc). But they’re not, they’ve got an agreement not to.

OP, your friends don’t expect gifts from each other but are happy to get them from you? That seems off to me.

Could you stop buying at Xmas and only do birthdays. Tell the parents you can't afford to buy for so many at once. I have a friend who bought presents when she saw children rather than Xmas/birthdays which I thought was a great way to do it.

"when cousin was childless she and her sister always spoiled my sister’s children"
well your sister might feel obliged to buy back then, but no reason for you to! Cousin didn't spend anything on you so just don't start ever buying for their dc and you don't have to worry about when to stop.

Same with godchildren - I wouldn't expect the role of a godmother to give presents every year.

Who cares if they are offended, you should be offended they see you as a magic money tree, while not buying for each others kids, because then they'd actually have to give and not just receive. They might be your friends but they sound like spongers.

Just don't get anything for their next birthdays. If it takes as long as you are saying for their mum to meet up with you, it could be months after their birthdays - if they do have the brass front to ask 'no present for dd?' (And most people surely wouldn't!) you can just laugh and say 'haha her birthday was 3 months ago wasn't it, it would be ridiculous to give her a present this late.'

If they are the sort of people to be offended you stop buying presents then they're going to be offended whenever you stop so when does it end? when the kids are 21? When you die? And then they'll probably be annoyed if you don't leave them something in your will. And if you do they'll be annoyed it wasn't more. So just stop buying for anyone other than your nieces

Sorry, badly worded. Friend bought for my oldest niece who’s the same age as her oldest daughter.

OP- I could have written this myself! I only wrote about this on a recent thread! My family are all abroad, but I've lived in the UK 20yrs. I had a godchild abroad when I was much younger, and then another in UK, plus cousins whom I'm very close to. I wrongly assumed/thought in addition to giving the godchildren birthday and Christmas gifts, that when siblings came along- that was the norm also. Everyone suddenly had more and more children and at 1 point I was posting/giving to 14 children, so 28 gifts a year! 🤑

I felt I'd made a precedent and a rod for my own back. I am forever grateful when 2 families asked me to stop- due their kids getting so many gifts and the cost for me to post abroad etc. I was also incredibly annoyed when I was reminded that I'd forgotten a birthday gift for the sibling of a godchild! This was due to me being in hospital!😡

Some ideas:
-New rule that you stop at age 10, 12, 16 etc
-Just stick to say Christmas gifts
-Cut back the price you spend
-A blanket no more to all or just to the closest families

I TTC 12yrs, lost 3 and will never have my own children. I realise its not a transactional thing, but I spent so much over the years and was never given a thing. If I even got a thank you from the parents, that was a plus!

Yes, it does to me too. But I’ve raised it with another friend who felt quite strongly that their arrangements between themselves are nothing to do with me.

Could you slash the budget? We spend about £20 on nieces and nephews and friends children. Also we get presents from the parents for Christmas and birthday (even before we had our own children). It feels quite mean that you are expected to buy for all of these children and its not reciprocated.

My child free friend has the absolute piss taken out of her similarly. Friends think they're doing her a favour making her godmother (she can't have children), but she's not confident enough to decline their 'kind' offer of being godparent yet again, and now spends a fortune on gifts for relative strangers. It's madness, patronising and grabby.

Ive stopped gift giving this year (aside from my parents and that will stop next year) I feel so much happier. The resentment when I sent something and I didn’t even get a thank you text and told it had arrived would overwhelm any pleasure in choosing the item.

I stick a fiver in a card for my Godchildren and tell them to buy some sweets - no effort and not much money - works well.

I only buy for nieces and nephews outwith my own immediate family.

never for friends children

Are you generally a bit of a people pleaser OP?

If you don't want to keep buying gifts then just...stop! I used to buy presents for my friends' DC. When it started to get too expensive, I stopped. I didn't announce it or explain. We're still friends.

If your friendships falter because you stop spending money on their DC then they don't sound like very good friends 😔

I would only buy for your nieces.

With all the others, only if you happen to be seeing their Mum near to their bday, just buy a small token present for £10. You can find sthg in WHSmith, a colouring book, some felt tips/stationery… it can be small but would make a child just as happy as a bigger gift.
If you’re not seeing them, don’t bother. Just send a text wishing a Happy Bday.

I’m sure nobody would mention it.

It's easier when both givers and receivers have kids, because they can say "why don't we both stop giving these gifts every year" and it seems like a relief for both. When you have no kids of your own it feels like you are being selfish.

I don't think it is though.

I wonder OP if you could change to giving the children something inexpensive or even free, but memorable? When I was a girl, one of my grandfathers would give me a special coin every year. My grandmother used to make a card by hand for me and write a poem to go inside it.

You could maybe give the parents a heads up and just saying you are needing to keep your budget, most people are having the same issues with money.