Fed up with everyone assuming only boys have short hair

[Sailorchick14]

Feeling so frustrated and annoyed for my DD age 11.
She prefers her hair short. It was in a pixie cut from age 8 till she got fed up with being called a boy so tried growing it last year. We got to bob length and she'd had enough and had it cut back to pixie length last month.

Just dealt with tears and anger from her tonight. Hates her hair. She hates it long but again is fed up with the boy comments. It's kids and adults. Even teachers at her school.

I don't know how to help her with this one. I tell her to confidently correct anyone getting it wrong but why should she have too?.

What nonsense! Some girls simply don't like girly things, it's not that uncommon.

Eh? She’s just a tomboy. Like many girls and women. Stop promoting this nonsense that girls who are tomboys have something wrong with them or they’re not a “proper girl” (wtf?). That kind of poisonous opinion is the kind of thing that makes impressionable girls question their gender. OP’s daughter isn’t perceiving feminine things as ‘lesser’. She just prefers to wear plainer clothes and wear her hair short.

Yes, DD is 13 and has had short hair since year 5, plus she wears trousers. She is constantly referred to as a boy at school and teachers, who knows her name and sex from the register assume she is trans. It's infuriating that we have regressed so far since the 70s/80s/90s that short hair + trousers = boy. The fact that she is also gay doesn't help.

Angrlina Jolie judt got a pixie cut...looks amazing. Try finding pics of beauriful women with short hair to show her and tell her she also looks amazing. Also tell her how shallow everyone else is.

Post-Cass and the SC ruling, I’d love to see companies selling training days to teachers that deprogramme them from the ‘Sliding Scale From Barbie To Action Man’ bullshit peddled by Mermaids and the like.

I’d make your daughter’s teachers sit through a very long twilight training session on uncomfortable chairs in the library being forced to look at a PowerPoint presentation entitled ‘Things That Are Not Markers Of Sex’ with pictures of short hair, trains, dolls, makeup, frilly frocks, Doc Martens…’ you get the picture.

Then about 100 pictures of different kids with different hair lengths labelled ‘Boy’, ‘Girl’, ‘Boy’, ‘Girl’…for at least 20 minutes.

Disclaimer - I am a teacher and I’d grin through this.

Kids & young people have become so obsessed with gender stereotypes & finding their 'true self' that we have regressed back into strict gender stereotypes.

This is so true and I've been saying it for a while. DD used to have a pixie cut. Her first day at primary school, the same girls who'd played with her in kindergarten refused to let her play with them in school because "you're not a girl, you've got short hair." Needless to say, she immediately refused any more hair cuts. She's in secondary now, and we floated the idea of getting her hair cut and she was horrified. One of the girls in her class got her long hair cut to a bob and had weeks of comments asking is she was a boy now etc. DD is also tall, slim and has no interest in clothes or make up, jewellery or getting her ears pierced. Clothes for her have to be practical to do sport and climb trees in. She won't wear skirts or dresses. But she dare not cut her hair.

Would you want to get to the bottom of it if it was a boy who disliked girly things?

one of my sons has long hair - we've just had to grow his resilience. Luckily he naturally had a withering paddington stare to deploy (previously mainly at me obviously).

Along with some stock phrases like 'boys hair grows too', 'anyone can have any hairstyle they like' that he can throw back without thinking, or just ignoring it if it doesn't matter (eg. in shops or with strangers)

Things are definitely worse than they were when I was a kid, and girls had hair of all lengths (I've had everything from a buzz-cut to half-way down my back)

I have a boy who is always mistaken for a girl as he has long curly hair! I’m in a country where it’s not usual that boys have long hair at all. I’ve had people more than once insist we cut it. I just correct them, smile and move on. He’s young though so can see it’s more frustrating as your daughter is older and the comments are made directly to her. Not much you can do except what you’re already doing. I wouldn’t make her change just to fit in.

If shes is dressing "like a boy" and has her hair "like a boy", some people will perceive her as a boy, rightly or wrongly. That's life. It's not ok to bully her for it, but people go with what they know when they have a split second decision to decide how to address someone.

All she needs to say is "I'm a girl". Job done.

I don't like girly things - I find dresses/skirts annoying/exposing, I'm not into flounces or lace or ribbons and bits and bobs - I just prefer my clothes to be practical and not get in the way or cause me hassle.

Feminine stuff is generally about being ornamental, that just isn't what I look for in my clothes/hair.

That's my negative connotations - no problem being a woman, just not interested in being feminine.

In this case, the OP's daughter has no problem with being a girl and would prefer people realised she was a girl, she also just doesn't like girly things.

Regarding the teachers, are her shoes and trousers more on the feminine side? Maybe it’s not just her hair leading them to make a mistake.

DS 18 has long hair, his three younger brothers have short hair. Your DD should ignore these idiots and have her hair how she likes it best in her pixie cut. They are the short sighted ones. Love a pixie cut!

Or perhaps she’s like me and thinks that girly chintzy things such as frills or bows for example, look ridiculous on everyone! There was nothing to get to the bottom of with me, it just looks silly!

I think the thing I find most annoying about all this current gender nonsense is the intrusive questioning and this unspoken rule that others are entitled to know ‘what you are’. I was mistaken for a boy sometimes when I was young, even though I had long hair. But nobody ASKED me - it was more of a casual ‘alright son?’ And, while it stung a bit, I wasn’t prepared to swap my jeans for a dress. That was in the 70s/early 80s. My eldest had his hair long for a couple of years and all he got was ‘are you trans?’, ‘are you a girl?’, ‘are you a trans boy?(😳) and assorted questions about his sexuality. He batted them off happily enough at first, but ended up getting his hair cut as he couldn’t take the Spanish Inquisition anymore.

Ahh I feel for you and your DD OP, I’m sure her hair looks lovely, she should definitely have it how she likes, and how awful others around her are being!

Hair has been an upsetting one with my DD (3) too. She suddenly lost the majority of her hair when she was 2, so has also had a pixie style as it’s grown back, which actually really suits her! But yes, I’ve had many other adults and children assuming she’s a boy. It has upset her not to yet be able to have the wider range of hairstyles her friends have, both as her hair isn’t long enough but also as it’s not advisable to tie it up etc when the hair is weaker. One Mum was very kind to her, told her she looked so ‘pretty like Tinkerbell’.

So people should also be a bit more mindful that a child may have shorter hair because they have lost their hair, regardless of gender, and stop generally being so unkind towards others!

Hope your DD is OK.

I’m not saying that. But internalised misogyny happens. There is no right or wrong way to be a girl, but that doesn’t stop some girls from really disliking themselves for being a girl. If you RTFT you’ll see that OP has said that’s not the case - job done, hurray, move on.

I'd be tempted to go and see the school, ask for a meeting with the head and the form teacher. Sometimes people are wary of approaching teachers, particularly the head but they have a duty of care to your daughter. If they try to fob you off, insist. They need to jump on this rubbish hard and fast. Tell them you want the other teachers to be told too.
If they mention 'inclusivity' say firmly that your daughter is a girl and trans is not relevant here.

This is exactly where gender identity ideology has got us- assuming that gender stereotypes have any bearing on actual sex.

I was born in 1977 so was a child of the 80s with short hair and practical, boy-ish clothes. I was mistaken for a boy alllll the time! So it's definitely not a new phenomenon. I remember going to see Santa in a department store when I was 7. Santa told me I couldn't ask for a My Little Pony Dream Castle because those were for girls and that he'd bring me a He-Man. His elf then gave me a present from the tub marked 'boys'. It was a cool bubble blowing set. My friend got a cheap plastic doll from the girls' tub, so I was quite happy! Although the whole experience ended my belief in Santa!

I hope your daughter finds the confidence not to care what people say OP.

This seems very weird to me. There are loads and loads of short haired girls and women in the world…I suppose if she’s prepubescent and dresses in stereotyped “boy” clothes then genuine mistakes might happen, but how many new people does she meet that this happens a lot?

It’s very weird. I had long hair until my teens and went to a bob and then progressively shorter hair as I got older until practically shaved at university (it was the 80’s). As far as I know even having very short hair I’ve never been mistaken for a man. Even whilst wearing trousers!

I never thought that gender stereotyping could get worse than the 1970’s when I was growing up but it actually has. At least then no-one thought woman with short hair = man.

I can't stand girly things either. I have a pixie cut, wear trousers most of the time and keep my nails short. I don't think it's anything to be concerned about that she doesn't like girly things. She likes being a girl, she just doesn't feel the need to be pink and sparkly.

Small tip, possibly for when she's a bit older - If she wants her ears pierced, a pair of earrings makes you look less boyish at a glance and they are usually small enough to forget about once they are in.

Are we still there? Can we not do better?

Yes, this is exactly what I was reminded of when I read the OP.

Hopefully this link will work.
https://www.facebook.com/LADbible/videos/3382809918432841/?mibextid=rS40aB7S9Ucbxw6v

It’s not 100% what OP is talking about as she doesn’t say that her DD want to appear androgynous but there is a bit towards the end about P!ink’s own short hair and I think the overall message is very relevant