Working and being a stay-at-home parent are equally demanding

[lolstevelol]

I’ve never quite understood why so many people claim that being a stay-at-home parent is harder.

Working and supporting an entire family on a single income is incredibly tough and often extremely stressful. In the past, I stayed in toxic, high-stress jobs—but the only reason I managed was because I knew I could walk away at any time. I didn’t have a family depending on me.

I've seen many parents who are the sole earners for their families fall into depression or burnout from the constant pressure of providing, especially when they're stuck in toxic work environments. The emotional weight of knowing others rely on your income makes it even harder

Having seen my partner suffer from a toxic high-stress corporate culture for 5 years resulting in a nervous breakdown while I was a sahm, I agree with you.

Many people have a propensity to seek absolute truths rather than deal with the nuanced and complex. That's how we end up with trope's such as "nothing is harder than being a stay at home mum". Like many things in life, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

Yep, I agree. I’ve done both and also been a WAHM and they all have their unique challenges.

I was a stay at home mum for a bit and now I work full time. I think that I have it harder now in all honesty. I’m constantly on the go, catching up with myself as the food shopping, cleaning, tidying still needs doing but it’s getting done in the evening in a rush.

I’ve never heard a SAHP say that but I agree with you.
Families around me have all sorts of arrangements, SAHM with dad working, SAHD with mum working, one part time the other full time, two full time, divorced co-parenting, single parents…
Everyone has challenges, different ones may be, but clearly there is no ideal set up.

Quite antagonistic on a parenting forum, but theres at least two of these posts so have at it.

All things have their own challenged and can be relentless. It depends what you like, what youre suited for and what your opportunities are. It is very hard to go from high flying career to baby years trenches. Overwhelm sneaks up on you!

Depends on the job but for me, SAHP was a holiday compared to working

Totally dependant on the job and the child people have and levels of resilience, support, respite.

A child with complex needs, PDA Autism, dangerous heightened behaviour, sleep issues can pose a serious safety risk to themselves and others. Care is often relentless with little or no respite, it’s 24/7 and sometimes life long. Work on the other hand can be just as stressful (often with or without the same level of physical danger). Colleagues who return home to a peaceful home life are very fortunate, even if working hours are tough they can sleep, recover, decompress out of hours.

I would expect it depends on the job and the children ..

Genuine question, but if you saw him suffering like that for 5 years would it not have been an option for you to work and take some of the pressure off him?

dh went through similar. I was able to work so he quit and took a few months at home finding a better job. It also meant he could opt for a lower paid less stressful option rather than having to chase the money and the crap that came with it.

It all depends - SAHP because you can’t afford childcare is pretty stressful too…two working parents can still be in toxic environments and need to keep working just as a sole earner can. No glovsl answers.

I wouldn't say equally demanding, but it depends on the circumstances. I've done both and I find being a SAHM easier and much more enjoyable than juggling parenting and a job. I think a big factor in whether it feels harder is if it was a choice or not - I imagine if someone was kinda forced to be a SAHP because of childcare costs/low salary it would be really hard.

Agree with pp. Depends on the job and depends on the children.

Personally I think having a child under 1-2, ish is the equivalent of a full time job taking into account the sleep issues the anxiety and boredom etc. can easily be harder though. I remember being on my fucking knees for the first 6months with first child, nothing compares to that imo, I barely remember it from utter exhaustion.

I have a 5 year old and a sen 7 year old and I would compare looking after them for a week to a part time job over the same time.

Saying all this. I imagine that a double shift in e.g. a and e might compare, but at least you can go home afterwards and switch off (unless you have kids too)

I’ve done both and I would say that for me, being a full-time wage-earning was more physically exhausting but better for my self-esteem, whilst being a SAHM turned me into everyone’s skivvy which impacted my energy levels and mental health in a different way.

Ridiculous to compare

I’ve done both and found staying at home worlds easier than having to get up every morning, organise everyone and leave on time to be a capable, functioning, achieving adult in the workplace and also a parent simultaneously bone crunchingly tiring. Then home to feed, bath, clean, prep for the next day and fall into bed. Those were tough years.

I've done both, and being in work and managing a household is far harder than being a SAHM

The problem with working is of course that you don’t lose any of the mental load (and many of the tasks) that a SAHM has.

So yes caring for a toddler all day is full on and you may not get the fulfilment or break that a job might provide - but the working parent is still doing all the domestic stuff and child rearing just limited to evenings and weekends.

Getting limited sleep and having to perform at work is incredibly draining.

No shade to SAHMs, let’s all do what works best for us, but it’s not harder than doing both.

He was being really well paid plus large bonuses which went towards over paying the mortgage. We had 3 kids below school age and nothing I would have earned could have taken off the pressure. The pressure wasn't financial anyway, it was almost self imposed. "If I can stay just for a little bit longer" became the goal. I went along with it because who doesn't want to pay off their mortgage and live life differently from then on. It was never meant to be that way at the start, it was case of a great new job and then (i) oh my god, what have I joined? (ii) I don't think I can handle it, it's just crazy but I can't leave too soon because it will hurt my cv and future career (iii) high pressure and pulling late nights and early mornings becomes the norm, it's just the way it works around here and the pay is brilliant (iv) I will resign when the mortgage is paid off became the exit strategy. Then suddenly one day at 06:30 am DH can't walk through the entrance of the building. He sits down on a wall and bursts into tears when a colleague sees him there and asks him if he's alright. It was having paid off the mortgage that burst the dam. I've never been so glad to have him sitting of the sofa for 6 months, not that he can remember any of it. I heard someone in that firm a couple of years later jumped off the roof.

Of preschoolers yes, of dc at school no

No having had a stressful job I think both can be as bad as each other to be honest. Being a stay at home mum is exhausting. Having a stressful career is exhausting.

Working whilst being a parent is far far harder. I've done both and now a SAHM and being a SAHM is wonderful. I'm having the time of my life! Of course it has its challenges, but I feel incredibly fortunate to be able to do it. I've never heard anyone say being a SAHP is harder? Surely they'd just go back to work if they actually thought that?

There is multiple factors that can cause high stress and often burnout for the main caregiver/main earner, both are equally exhausting.

I am on maternity leave at the moment with my 4 month old and as much as I love my little boy, as soon as my year is up I have no shame saying I will be running back into work! I love my career, I have 4 children but having my job does mean that I have to still do the "mum stuff" like shopping, baths, cooking, cleaning around it. My hat goes off to any SAHM of children who aren't at school, I'm so grateful I'm in a position where I can work, have a job I love and have that little bit of me time.

Exactly this.

Some children are relentlessly difficult (eg severe SEN). Or have complex health needs.
Others are easy peasy. Many are somewhere in between.

Some jobs are zero stress and you can do in your sleep and are very secure. Other jobs are relentlessly horribly stressful and can make you horribly ill and if you don't even have the option to leave because the whole family depends on you that must feel awful.

My DD also has a 4 month old. Now counting down the next 3 weeks until she's back at work. Although she says ML been a nice break but she's bored now