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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Working and being a stay-at-home parent are equally demanding

69 replies

lolstevelol · 14/05/2025 18:30

I’ve never quite understood why so many people claim that being a stay-at-home parent is harder.

Working and supporting an entire family on a single income is incredibly tough and often extremely stressful. In the past, I stayed in toxic, high-stress jobs—but the only reason I managed was because I knew I could walk away at any time. I didn’t have a family depending on me.

I've seen many parents who are the sole earners for their families fall into depression or burnout from the constant pressure of providing, especially when they're stuck in toxic work environments. The emotional weight of knowing others rely on your income makes it even harder

OP posts:

anytipswelcome · 14/05/2025 20:34

It’s weird when people make blanket statements about this. It depends on the job, the child, the family support system / ‘village’, financial situation… so many variables it’s not possible to say one is easier than the other.

StrongandNorthern · 14/05/2025 20:35

Depends on the nature of the 'out at work' job.
But SAHM has got to be easier than pretty much all of them imo.

camelfinger · 14/05/2025 20:36

If you have a decent job that you enjoy, and have support at home then a job is easier. Doing nice crafts with a biddable child is probably easier than working. It’s nice not having to clean as much, working outside of the home.

cadburyegg · 14/05/2025 20:36

There are so many variables that it’s hard to say one situation is more difficult than the other. I’d find being a SAHP to multiple babies and preschoolers more challenging than my job. Juggling work and family responsibilities feels harder to me than being a SAHP to my two primary aged children. When children are 5+ they’d be in school anyway. If you’re working, there’s simply more to manage in less time.

LilDeVille · 14/05/2025 20:37

Well it’s a case by case basis isn’t it. No point arguing about it really.

For me, working is far easier - the balance is SO much better.
The kids have 2 equally hands-on parents.
The housework is equally shared (as a SAHM I did everything 9-5 and anything out of those times was split equally).
My job is related to my lifelong passion and a perfect mix of creative and business.

Other people have shit jobs, no partner or a partner who won’t pull their weight with parenting or housework. Fewer kids (I have 3) Etc etc etc. So for them, SAHM life probably is easier than it was for me.

cherish123 · 14/05/2025 20:39

I've done both and working is far more demanding and tiring. When you are working you have to do everything and have no time. I found not working very relaxing and easy. Mind you, I didn't work when I had young children and I think it's younger children are easier.

Scottishskifun · 14/05/2025 20:42

Hmmmm its a tough one and depends on set up, I found going back to work much easier then being on mat leave!
If toddler isn't going to any setting then it's pretty exhausting.

I do get what you mean about the financial pressure element though. I earn double my DH, the majority of the financial pressure is on me and its also me that does budget spreadsheets etc. He has a much more lax approach to money and doesn't check the joint account before spending say something for the garden etc.

We share the mental load, I am the FT worker but we each have a strengths and weaknesses. Main thing is to work as a team.

LowDownBoyStandUpGuy · 14/05/2025 20:44

Having children is demanding regardless of how you do it.

SAHM’s bleating on about working Mum’s having loads of time sitting around having tea breaks and quiet lunches is a bit of a kick in the teeth to say a Mum who is working as a nurse on a busy A&E night shift, a paramedic or police officer out dealing with all kinds of random and violent situations, a lawyer with a massive case load being pressured to meet a certain amount of billable hours (and on and on - there are no end of exhausting jobs out there so please don’t be offended if I didn’t mention yours specifically!). There is a weird assumption that working Mums are all doing admin jobs in comfortable offices with no end of tea and coffee on tap.

Conversely working Mums (I am one) tend to generalise about SAHM’s having it easy and fail to consider SEN children, being forced into staying at home due to the cost of childcare and really hating it, potential for financial abuse etc, it won’t all be wafting about in Boden dresses making home made play-doh.

So yeah, too many variables.

Namechange032025 · 14/05/2025 20:46

Surely it all depends on the age of the children? Basically before school age it can be really stressful being a SAHM but after not at all.

Being a SAHM with a one and a three year old (as I was) would be totally different from doing it with a 11 and 13 year old when essentially you'd have 6 hours a day to yourself and time out in evenings when they were occupied/with friends?

I work FT and still have to do washing/cooking/lifts etc etc so not sure how it would be harder to be a SAHP

I like working for many reasons so not complaining but my life is far harder than those who don't work.

BigRenoLittleBudget · 14/05/2025 20:47

I think it depends on your job and depends on your kids. I have friends with very stressful jobs and kids who are generally fairly easy going and for them being a SAHP would be a dream come true. However personally I have a job that is usually not very stressful, decent pay, flexible, lovely colleagues… and I have three young kids at least one of whom has SEN and honestly as much as I love them, a day looking after all three is much more stressful and tiring than a day at work. I am lucky enough to be part time currently so I get a bit of both but my days at work are the days I get a bit more of a rest. Even on days where I have a lot of meetings etc I just don’t end up full of cortisol at the end of the day like I do at home.

WhereAreTheWildThingsNow · 14/05/2025 20:48

You do know it’s not a competition.

‘my life is harder’

’no, my life is’

ad infinitum…

Newname71 · 14/05/2025 20:54

My life is one big stress.
Work is stressful, trying to keep on top of the housework, washing, life shite etc is stressful.
Coming home to an 18 year old with severe ADHD. MH issues and anger management issue is stressful.
I feel like running away
Some areas of life would be far easier if I didn’t have to work but I’m not sure I’d want to be home with DS 24/7 either as much as I love him.

MellowPinkDeer · 14/05/2025 20:59

Again???? Seriously. I’ll help you out: SAHM spend a lot of time eeking out tasks ( it’s take me at least 20 minutes to hoover a room properly ) life admin takes me all day . or claiming that working parents live in a hovel and feed their kids terrible convenience foods. ( ‘you must live in a terribly small house to get anything done what about the land and the animals ’)

working parents do ALL the things to the same standards as a SAHP but don’t make a huge song and dance about it.

the end. ( this is the millions thread on this )

Cyclebabble · 14/05/2025 21:07

Depends on the children's ages and any health issues. When the children are school age and if they have not health issues then working is IME significantly harder than staying at home. However it is a personal choice and everyone will have a different view.

cadburyegg · 14/05/2025 21:10

Cyclebabble · 14/05/2025 21:07

Yes, I forgot to say that it must be extremely hard to be a SAHP of ND children or children with illnesses.

LoveBecomesaHabit · 14/05/2025 21:16

Your title doesn’t match your post.
The title says they are equal but the post says working is harder.
Which is it?

Mischance · 15/05/2025 07:16

Both scenarios have their challenges dictated by circumstances specific to each family.
It's not a competition!

Agix · 15/05/2025 07:28

I think it entirely depends.

I have an acquaintance who is a SAHM, with husband. Her kid has no health issues, is in nursery 3 full days a week, grandparents have him every weekend, and also ad-hoc whenever she wants (feeling unwell, wants an extra day to see a friend etc).

Someone working, even without a child, has a much more stressful time than her.

But if someone was a SAHM, partner working, couldn't afford nursery, didn't have family support for childcare, and the kid had additional needs, then they certainly have a much more stressful and hard time than someone working a regular 9-5.

Unless that 9-5 person had their own health issues to deal with, or had kids with health issues and no family support of their own, etc.

My point is, it's impossible to compare the two unless we're comparing specific situations. There's too many variants.

The acquaintance I first spoke about LOVES saying how hard she has it being a SAHM. I never say it, but always think "would love to me able to send my job to my parents whenever I didn't feel like dealing with it" like she does her kid. Or to have someone else do my job 3 days a week or something.

windysocks · 15/05/2025 07:37

No matter what the home/kids are like a working mum has to work and do all the things a SAHM does, like 2 jobs not just one jobs which is being a SAHM

NoHardSelling · 15/05/2025 07:41

If you have school age kids, then being a sahm is much easier than any job surely?!

Bushmillsbabe · 15/05/2025 07:42

Copernicus321 · 14/05/2025 18:55

Having seen my partner suffer from a toxic high-stress corporate culture for 5 years resulting in a nervous breakdown while I was a sahm, I agree with you.

Many people have a propensity to seek absolute truths rather than deal with the nuanced and complex. That's how we end up with trope's such as "nothing is harder than being a stay at home mum". Like many things in life, sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

Did you consider swopping roles in that time, after seeing the impact?

I'm part time in a role I love, plus do school runs, extra curricular, play dates, most if the cleaning during the week. DH works long hours in a role he doesn't live, which causes him lots of stress, and I have suggested swop roles and I go full time and he steps down to a less stressful role for his own mental health. I can't just watch whilst he struggles

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 15/05/2025 07:48

It depends.

I am now a SAHM due to dd becoming disabled.

Before I worked and it was stressful, but I had adult company, breaks at work, and a purpose and earned my own money, if I needed more, I worked more.

Now I get no breaks, I'm even up every hour in the night and will be for the foreseeable, I get no adult company, and life is pretty stressful, plus I'm having to rely on benefits that are constantly under attack.

I would 100% rather be working.

Whyherewego · 15/05/2025 07:59

Orangemintcream · 14/05/2025 19:26

I would expect it depends on the job and the children ..

This ! And also how much you enjoy your job and/or parenting

LoveFridaynight · 15/05/2025 08:03

Like others have said it depend. If you have a child with SEN and they don't speak or sleep, don't use the toilet and can't be left alone long enough for you to even have a wee then being a SAHP is harder than working. If you have an NT 9 year old it's much easier being a SAHP than working.

Blueandblack2 · 15/05/2025 08:07

done both and SAHM is so much easier. You have all day to get the chores and life admin done and don't have to cramp it into the evening when you are tired from work and commute and can spend quality time with the kids. No additional work pressures, you answer noone, you don't worry about work related issues. It's really a doddle compared to working and running a household etc

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