I have a friend who I’ve known for about seven years; we got to know each other better during lockdown as we were both furloughed and bored, and it was at the time when you could only do limited outdoor meet-ups. We have a lot in common, so stayed in close touch.
My friend was a bit of a wild child in her younger years - heavy drinking, constant partying, casual sex etc.. However, by the time we met she was teetotal. She says she doesn’t believe she was an alcoholic, but sometimes once she’d started she’d struggle to stop, so decided it was best to stop altogether. I massively admire her for that - it can’t have been easy, and she made the right choice to change something that wasn’t working for her anymore.
Unfortunately, she does have a habit now of treating anyone who drinks more than the odd glass of wine like they are in the same position she was. I like a drink and I don’t mind saying so - and I don’t need it policing. It wasn’t too bad at first, but the comments are getting worse. I can’t tell her I’ve been out anywhere without her asking whether I was drinking; am I sure I should be drinking two nights in a row; you don’t have to drink - I used to drink all the time and look at me now! It’s draining. I had a Coke when we were out a few weeks ago and she practically went into raptures, telling me how proud she was of me… I just fancied one!! I ended up going on to wine just to annoy her.
I have said a few times now - gently at first, but now more forcefully - that I understand that she felt she had an alcohol problem, and it’s great she tackled it, but I don’t feel the same. I’ve asked if she feels uncomfortable being around alcohol and would prefer to meet in a cafe, but no - apparently she likes the atmosphere of the pub and has no problem being around alcohol. (Just people who drink it…)
But it doesn’t stop there. As I mentioned earlier, she used to be, by her own admission, very promiscuous when she was younger - a bit of a rebellion against a religious upbringing. Well, she’s recently started getting back into the religion she grew up in and has decided to go celibate. Again, her choice, although it does seem like another “all or nothing” choice. But of course, she can’t just do this for herself and get on with it. I’m a happily single woman who has her “adventures” with men as and when, but now I daren’t tell her anything in case I get the sex version of the Evils of Alcohol speech. It’s all “That way of life is empty; I know, I’ve been there, but you can make the change, I did it!” ad infinitum. I don’t bloody want to change!
Time with friends is supposed to be enjoyable, but frankly now every time I meet up with her I feel like I’m being judged as some kind of drunken slut. I’m sick of trying to tell her that I’m not her; I don’t need to follow her example. Do I tell her that these subjects are now off limits, permanently, or that’s it?