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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to a wedding if husband is not invited

77 replies

Anuta77 · 13/05/2025 00:04

My ex sister in law (separated from her brother 12 years ago, but kept in contact because we used to have a good relationship and for my son).
My ex, her brother, has been married for a few years and even had another child. He's not really involved with my son, so no loyalty issue there.
The ex SIL met my husband a few times and I never noticed any issues between them.
Today she sends me an invitation for her son's wedding (my husband even translated some documents for them) and asked to confirm my presence with my son. I'm sure it's a small event. No mention of my husband.

How do I handle that? Is that normal? Should I just assume that my husband is invited? I'm sure my husband will not care much, but I can't help but think that it's not ok. AIBU?

P.S. We are not from the UK and ex SIL is latin.

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 13/05/2025 00:08

Don't assume. Check with her.

BadLad · 13/05/2025 00:11

I don't think I'd bother starting an argument over with considering the invitation is from your ex-sister-in-law. Your husband is probably more than happy not to have to attend the wedding of the sister of his wife's former partner.

Just go if you want to.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/05/2025 00:16

I wouldn't assume anyone was invited except you and child. Unless you want to not bring the son and have husband as your plus one, I'd say it would be rude to ask for another invite.

If you feel you'll enjoy it then go. Do you know a few people there who you could have a laugh with? Do you have something you can wear and is it affordable and convenient to travel there etc? Will your child get anything out of being there?

If no to most of those then just politely decline.

Or you could leave kid with husband and go alone so you can let your hair down and have a late night and a few drinks?

Original poster
Anuta77 · 13/05/2025 00:23

I Imagine that the main person to be invited is my son as he's the groom's cousin and I'm probably invited because she doesn't have direct contact with him and also as a taxi. So my son would normally go, but I just find it strange not to invite someone's partner even if they know him, as if I were still single. I also have another child who's the same age as the groom's child and I know there will be other kids, but I'll have to arrange childcare.

OP posts:
TwinklyNight · 13/05/2025 04:41

Can't your dh watch your other dc?

GRex · 13/05/2025 04:49

The invite is for your son, with you to look after him. I think it's fine not to invite your DH for her brother's sake, her own sibling will take precedence. It sounds tricky for your son though if he's unused to seeing his father and will then see him at the wedding with the new family. How do you think he will cope with that?

If your DH was capable of attending a wedding, then I'm sure he was just as capable of looking after his own kids for one day.

Devilmentpleassure · 13/05/2025 04:54

GRex · 13/05/2025 04:49

The invite is for your son, with you to look after him. I think it's fine not to invite your DH for her brother's sake, her own sibling will take precedence. It sounds tricky for your son though if he's unused to seeing his father and will then see him at the wedding with the new family. How do you think he will cope with that?

If your DH was capable of attending a wedding, then I'm sure he was just as capable of looking after his own kids for one day.

This ^

Original poster
Anuta77 · 13/05/2025 05:07

GRex · 13/05/2025 04:49

The invite is for your son, with you to look after him. I think it's fine not to invite your DH for her brother's sake, her own sibling will take precedence. It sounds tricky for your son though if he's unused to seeing his father and will then see him at the wedding with the new family. How do you think he will cope with that?

If your DH was capable of attending a wedding, then I'm sure he was just as capable of looking after his own kids for one day.

It's not a question of DH not being able to watch my other child.
My ex lives in another country, it's not about him at all.
I'm really surprised that people think that not inviting someone's partner is a normal thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anuta77 · 13/05/2025 05:08

TwinklyNight · 13/05/2025 04:41

Can't your dh watch your other dc?

Is it just a question of my DH watching my kids while I'm going to a wedding that will have kids?

OP posts:
GRex · 13/05/2025 05:24

Anuta77 · 13/05/2025 05:08

Is it just a question of my DH watching my kids while I'm going to a wedding that will have kids?

Show quote history

Maybe this is a framing issue. The invitation is not actually from your ex-SIL, it is from your son's cousin and his fiancée. The man invited his cousin and invited you to look after your son. Ex-SIL may have got involved in discussion, but unfortunately she won't be able to invite every adult she interacts with to her child's wedding. You need to stop over- thinking about your DH as having significance here, to your son's cousin he's just a random guy who's irrelevant.

Why do you think your other children need additional childcare on top of your DH "watching my kids"? Does DH have some particular difficulties that you haven't mentioned that prevent him from looking after children?

GRex · 13/05/2025 05:26

Effectively you are just the "+1" for your son. Does that help?

Sep88 · 13/05/2025 05:26

Whilst it’s normal to invite a guests partner, I think given your history with her brother it’s understandable. Also, weddings are expensive, there is probably a limited guest list. It’s not even the sisters wedding! I wouldn’t take it as a slight, but as a lovely that they wanted to include your son.

OutandAboutMum1821 · 13/05/2025 05:45

It’s really poor form/etiquette not to invite somebody’s husband or wife to a wedding. I wouldn’t attend a wedding where my DH wasn’t invited, and he’d be the same, we’d think it was very odd, and have been invited together to almost 20 weddings over the 11 years we’ve been married.

However, in this case it may be because of her being so closely related to you ex-husband.

PearTreeBoat · 13/05/2025 06:15

Look at it as it is your son that has been invited with a plus 1, and due to his age, they have decided that you will be son's plus 1.

Your DH isn't invited as technically the invite isn't for you, therefore no need to invite your partner.

Wallywobbles · 13/05/2025 06:17

I’m not sure I really understand the issue. New partners often don’t get invited to events with ex family in law. Despite getting on well and being the only ones that facilitate contact with our exs parents, ex in laws weren’t invited to our wedding.

Mumof2girls2121 · 13/05/2025 06:24

It’s really an invite for your son from his family. They are not your DHs family, why does he need to attend?

Arancia · 13/05/2025 06:25

Anuta77 · 13/05/2025 00:04

My ex sister in law (separated from her brother 12 years ago, but kept in contact because we used to have a good relationship and for my son).
My ex, her brother, has been married for a few years and even had another child. He's not really involved with my son, so no loyalty issue there.
The ex SIL met my husband a few times and I never noticed any issues between them.
Today she sends me an invitation for her son's wedding (my husband even translated some documents for them) and asked to confirm my presence with my son. I'm sure it's a small event. No mention of my husband.

How do I handle that? Is that normal? Should I just assume that my husband is invited? I'm sure my husband will not care much, but I can't help but think that it's not ok. AIBU?

P.S. We are not from the UK and ex SIL is latin.

You don't "handle that" in any way. It's not your wedding, so it's not up to you to dictate who comes to it. By all means choose not to go, but if your husband is not named on the invitation, it means he's not invited. Simple as that. I don't know why you'd assume he is, and make an embarrassment out of the both of you by bringing him along anyway.

Also, you don't pester people for invitations. It's not compulsory to go to a wedding, so just decline the invitation if you can't be without your husband for one day.

DefinitelyMaybe92 · 13/05/2025 06:27

It’s not the norm, but I do think that with your context it makes more sense. This is for your son, really. As other PPs have highlighted I would think of it as you simply being the ‘+1’ for your son to enable him to go. I certainly wouldn’t request an invite for your DH, as that would be quite rude. Depending on circumstances, you could drop in a very light “while I think on, just checking whether DH is invited…” at most, but you’d need to be accepting if they said no he’s not.

Anahg · 13/05/2025 06:28

I’ve been invited to weddings in the past without DH / a plus one. It’s usually a cost thing - if everyone has a plus one, it significantly increases costs.

ARichtGoodDram · 13/05/2025 06:30

Is it just a question of my DH watching my kids while I'm going to a wedding that will have kids?

In this scenario, yes.

You're invited because the groom would like his cousin there and as a courtesy as you were his Aunt for the years you were married.

It's not common to invite one half of a couple unless you're workmates or the likes, but in this case I can't see why it would be an issue.

loobyloo1979 · 13/05/2025 06:31

No you don't assume he is invited as he has not.

GreyCarpet · 13/05/2025 06:34

I agree with the others.

It's a small wedding.

Your son is the one really being invited, you've essentially been invited as his +1 and as a courtesy.

Not a snarky comment but I wonder if your feeling are due to your ex being there with his new wife and it feels like you and, especially, your new husband have been 'othered'?

Do you feel your new husband is being snubbed? If they invited him, would you also expect your shared child to attend?

They've just kept it small and uncomplicated.

If they were to invite your new husband, how many other extended members of other guests would expect to also be invited?

I think you're taking this personally when it's not. In your husband's shoes, I don't think I'd even want to go!

Hdpr · 13/05/2025 06:35

He’s not invited and I think that’s fine. Go with your son and have a nice time

Smellslikeburnttoat · 13/05/2025 06:36

Not sure why your husband would even want to go? Also how is your SIL Latin? Do you mean Italian?

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 13/05/2025 06:38

She's latin??!!!!
Unique!