Would you leave an almost 13 year old home alone… until 10pm?

[WizardofCoz]

Hi folks,
I always pay a babysitter (neighbour) to babysit for my almost 13 year old child.
A friend has offered me a ticket to an event I really want to go to - babysitter can’t do that eve, child is adamant they will be fine.
I’ll happily leave them alone for a few hours but has never been later than 8pm, would be home around 10pm for this one.
No other babysitter options & it’s a school night so no sleepover options.
We know all our neighbours & child feels very safe in our flat (v secure block)
WWYD?

At 13 my oldest was caring for him and his brother sometimes later than that. If you have raised them to be conscious of home and self safety. There should not be an issue. Just make sure they have a way to communicate with you or others.

I wouldn’t either ..

No, as the sitter is for company, too.

As a 13 year old I used to babysit other children!

As others have said - would I leave my child at home aged nearly 13 yes I would and did. They would even go to bed at the time I told then too without me there at that age.

Would I leave that child in my home by the time they were 15/16 - that's a no! It would have been party central!

I have and would but only if the dc was happy to do it. I wouldn’t leave my dc in winter at that time as she doesn’t like the dark but in the light nights yes. We have ring doorbells and other security cameras and we would always be contactable.

Yes of course, and I have. I’m quite over anxious generally, but I don’t see how kids can become confident and independent if we never allow them any responsibility or loosen the reins.
Children can really surprise you in an emergency actually- given the chance.
Children who are kept tightly in their comfort zone don’t suddenly turn into competent adults at 18! It’s a process.

I was left alone from 11 years old but was sensible. I think this will be fine OP

I think this would be absolutely fine, assuming a reasonably sensible child.

Surely 13 is the age you start babysitting, not the age you need to be babysat?

Yes I would. I've left my then 13 year old babysitting my then 6 year old until later than that, so wouldn't even think twice about leaving her home alone late in the evening.

Absolutely in an emergency or briefly, my DD is very sensible. But I wouldn’t leave her now at 13 alone so I can go out - I would worry and she would probably text me a lot the whole time.

I realise i didn't really have this problem as mine are twins so they had each other and we definitely left them alone for the evening at 13.

That does seem old to have a babysitter!

What the difference between 8pm and 10pm if they are at home?

Somewhat would happen if a parent was there asleep and didn't wake? Kind of an illogical question

I’d leave mine with no issues. She’s very sensible.

They're 13 not 4.

More chance of a 13 year old waking up to a fire alarm than a pissed 17 year old to be honest.

I am always amazed that kids at 13 can walk home from school - navigating busy roads, cars pulling out of drives and strangers .... but safe in their house is not OK. I would ask the nearest neighbour if they are OK about being a point of call in an emergency - make sure your child knows them. My rule was no food due to choking risks and don't open the door sort of thing, list of emergency numbers and numbers for help.

Why? Just because someone is a social worker does not mean their word is law. My sister is also a social worker and was happily leaving her son from that age. Leaving a young child is a safeguarding risk, or leaving a child in a dangerous environment, not leaving a 12 year old in their own home.

NSPCC guidance supports this: it says children under 12 are rarely mature enough to be left for long periods. The implication is that children 12 and over generally can be left for longer periods.

Secondary school age children are often making their own way to and from school, often on public transport, crossing roads, going to the park or into town with friends etc, all of which are more risky than sitting on the sofa in your own house. The world is no less safe today than it was 'in our day', if anything it is much safer; Ring doorbells, instant messaging ... OP will have a multitide of ways to instantly contact DC and vice versa. Leaving a child in the evening is no more dangerous than leaving them in the day. They are in the safety of their own home, the likelihood of anything happening is extremely small and provided no SEN a child of that age should be capable of seeking help should they need it.

Children learn independence and to make good decisions by being able to practise those skills in low risk environments. OP your DC sounds happy and confident to be left. Make sure they know who to contact in an emergency, agree on a safe adult/neighbour they can contact should they feel worried, and go out and enjoy your evening. There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.

Illogical?

A young child (below 16) is less likely to be able to cope alone in an emergency and also more likely to panic and not get out if they weren't alerted to any danger (ie they were asleep). Adults are much more capable of fast decision making and able to act quickly.

Not illogical IMHO.

Just as equally your word is not Law either. The fact there is a difference of opinion shows that is contentious issue. If a social worker who works for children services thinks it’s a bit suspicious from a parenting point of view, personally I would take that on board and rethink my decision. Am I prepared to risk a referral to Children’s services, again personally no. It depends on context and how people interpret it. Michael Gove was in the papers and heavily criticised for leaving his 11-year-old son in a B&B while they went dancing at the nearby location for 6 hours. I am sure some people would have thought that OK and this is similar to that scenario. The risk is if an unpredicted event happens. I have seen neighbours children walking the streets distressed because their mum left them for half an hour and they panicked and started to look for her.

I think if you leave a child alone because of an Emergency, then that’s probably more acceptable than leaving your child alone for a long period of time so you can go off and socialise because that is prioritising your social life over your child. Will she be watching her phone and prepared to come back if child says they are anxious? Are they expected to take make their dinner, clear up and take themselves to bed as it’s a school night or will they wait up past their bedtime doing what, until she returns?

Children don’t suddenly hit 12 and mature. I would at this age be introducing them to idea of bringing left alone with increasingly longer times by them selves etc, and sending them outside they are usually with friends and they know to call a parent, who can come and help if they need to. I wouldn’t be leaving them unsupervised for hours into late evening at this age just so I can go out.

I guess it depends on your child. I would say fine, particularly as you mention that you are in a secure block rather that an isolated rural house. If you are worried could you ask one of the four families that you know well just to pop in and out.

OPs DC is already used to being left for periods of time:

'I’ll happily leave them alone for a few hours but has never been later than 8pm, would be home around 10pm for this one.'

The OP also says the area is very safe and that OP and DC know their neighbours.

A 12 year old child being left at home on the occasional evening is not in itself a safeguarding concern for social workers, and whilst they are duty bound to investigate referrals there would be no further action if that were the only concern. It may be a concern if part of a bigger picture but on its own is not a cause for concern in any way, and the NSPCC guidance (also echoed on the gov.uk website and written precisely to provide advice on the matter to parents because there is no legal minimum age) reflects that. As for 'just a night out', parents do not need to martyr themselves. Small amounts of risk-assessed independence are healthy for children and for parents. DC sounds confident, perhaps even enthusiastic about being left and it is a normal age to start increasing independence. OP is doing nothing wrong and some of the guilt tripping and scaremongering on this thread are sad to read.

Yes that's fine

Hmm I was left from 3.30am and expected to get myself to school from secondary aged. No mobiles ( didn't even have landline then) or ring bells etcI can't see any issues with an almost 13 year old being alone for a few hours