Awful DIL family

[Sunpeace]

When DS first met his partner he admitted he was concerned about her family as they were a bit rough. I told him not to worry, it was her he was with, not her family. However, a few years later, I realise I was wrong. The family have never as much as said hello if I walk into the room and I'm made to feel uncomfortable in my son's home although I don't visit often and try not to cross paths with them. I have heard them make racist comments and they are really not my type of people and although I have tried to not let them get to me, now there are DGC it's almost impossible to avoid them, though God knows I try! I'm tempted to mention this to my DS just to clear the air. AIBU?

Is your DS happy with her?

how often do you actually see your DS? And how often do you see your DIL’s family?

I am guessing you and DIL don’t have the best of relations?

What do you expect your DS to do? Talking to him about it is likely to draw his attention to a problem he can’t solve, and make things even more awkward, surely?

My parents hardly ever interact with my pils, even though they actually get on. Why do you have to see them so much? Are they always at your son and dil’s house?

I think it would be awkward to say anything to your son, unless you have a really open and honest relationship with him where such conversations can be aired. I certainly wouldn’t refer to them as ‘rough’ though, even if they are, because that will probably cause further division. Have you tried to get to know them better?

DM had met my PIL three times in the 20 years we have been together. No need for them to see each other. But this sounds like my PIL and i don’t think they intend to be rude, they just have a complete lack of social skills. I have never been anything but friendly and nice to them, but I can count on one hand the amount of times they have ever asked me anything about my life. Never been offered a cup of tea when we go round. They don’t actually say hello or goodbye.

Bar birthdays/weddings/funerals, how often do you interact? Could you try to arrange visits when you don't see her family? Do you all live near one another?

He seems very happy which is why I've left haven't mentioned it to him and I've never had any problems with his partner.

In that case, don’t even think of raising to clear the air given you don’t seem to see much of him anyway

Is he upset you don’t see him and GC often? He can’t change his in laws behaviour, his partner is more than likely think it’s you who doesn’t bother talking to her family rather than the other way round because she will stick up for them. Do you live far from your son? I would bet he knows how insular they are but doesn’t want to cause trouble with partner because most women rely on their own family’s to support them when they have children. Can you not try to include yourself in in laws conversation or be friendly and polite even in the face of their bad behaviour and concentrate on son, DIL and Gc? It sounds very cliquey, it would make most people feel uncomfortable @Sunpeace but your DIL was brought up in her family and be so used to it that she doesn’t notice it nor can change them if she wanted too, is she friendly towards you? Can you try to get to know her more and like her for herself rather than just because she is with your son? Your son must be pleased to see you when you go round and of course you want to have a loving bond with the GC but to do that you have to keep visiting.

Sadly I'm coming to the conclusion this is the case here. I'm not particularly sociable but find it awkward and embarrassing. I try to avoid seeing them and rarely cross paths but it just seems a shame as I don't see DS and DGC very often as they are there a lot! Luckily I have a big family and don't have this problem with the others so guess I should consider myself lucky.

I really liked DS ex GF family and we had a few get togethers. Her Mum and I became quite good friends and used to go out for lunch together. We were all going to go on holiday together this year. I realise that’s quite unusual so was delighted we all got on.

Unless your child is in danger you can't say a word. You can't clear the air, you will just put him in an awkward position. I’m mixed race and have found some white liberals perceive stuff as racist that isn’t. It’s white guilt. So some context would be helpful They probably know you look down on them.

What do you mean by rough? Shoplifting in Asda and drinking lager in their front garden and scrapping in the pub? or licking their knives at the dinner table and poor grammar?

So what’s he supposed to do with your opinion then - you want them to split up? Not see her family? You telling him is only going to put your relationship with him, your dil and gc at risk - he’s likely to tell her and then how’d you imagine she’s going to take it?

Just avoid her family as far as possible, be a good influence on your grandchildren in the hope of cancelling out whatever racist stuff they hear from her family and keep your opinions to yourself.

This. If he’s happy and hasn’t mentioned it to you since then I would imagine there’s almost a 100% chance he’s going to repeat it back to her.

Yes I do find it awkward, but i don’t take it personally anymore and just avoid them as much as i can. At least i don’t have to worry about them interfering in our lives at all!

I think you should speak to your DS and DIL OP, why on earth should you put up with racist, rude and childish behaviour.

if you were the daughter in this situation complaining about your husbands parents, everyone would be saying 'you have a DH problem.'

I would talk to the pair of them, so at least there's 2 people there to have the conversation with and less chance of it getting twisted.

When was the last time you saw the DIL’s family?

can you really not visit without clashing with them?

Unfortunately you do not get to choose the family your DS marries. I would see it as a bonus that you get on well with your DIL. I would then limit contact with the inlaws to christenings and birthdays etc. I would be very guarded on what I said to DS and DIL, it could really strain the relationship.

God, they sound awful.

And racist sounds awful for the child. I hope he doesn't turn out like them.

Wtf. I’m BAME and I think OP is perfectly capable of knowing her mind and knows when someone is being racist.

The fact that you jumped right in telling OP it’s white guilt is just bizarre.

My in-laws and parents very rarely met each other despite living about 20 minutes drive away . Once before the wedding , at the wedding and then at kids birthday parties when they were pre school , where the in-laws always turned up late and left very early ( miserable buggers) . So I would say just avoid them and enjoy meeting up with your son’s family when it’s just your family .

I don’t blame you for disliking them if they’re racist towards you. Are they racist to your son?
I do think it’s wrong to judge them for being “a bit rough” though. That’s a bit harsh. I’m with you on the racism though.

Why are you letting their behaviour stop you seeing your grandchild though? Thats on you. Unless they are actively telling you to go away, then you make sure you go and see your grandchild. Their lack of social skills is not your problem, there is no need for it to make you feel awkward! Why not just observe and laugh about it later?

Can you invite your son and DIL to yours for lunch or meet them at a park/ restaurant etc.

Why does it always have to be in their house ?

I don’t understand how you think telling your son that you don’t like his in laws will ‘clear the air’. How are you expecting him to respond? If anything, it will just make everything far more awkward because he’ll then be aware of it, your DiL will pick up on it if she knows her DH at all, so you’ll have extra awkwardness there. You had a chance to say something years ago and that ship has now sailed.

The only thing you could say is tell them not to say things like that in front of the grandchildren the next time they say something racist.

Have a conversation with your DIL saying ‘I think your parents are rough’
Really???

Unless I’ve missed it, I can’t see where the OP mentions that they are racist towards her son, just that they are generally racist.

I wouldn’t choose to be friends with those kind of people but if sometimes you’ve got to just put up with people you don’t like.

This all sounds a bit ‘keeping up appearances’

I wouldn't say anything to him unless he raises something to you. He has zero control of how his wifes family act or what they say. Your DIL might be a different person to the rest of her family, but it's likely she loves them still and if she finds out you've said something about them it may open a can of worms you don't want. Just be grateful you don't have to see them often.