Awful DIL family

[Sunpeace]

When DS first met his partner he admitted he was concerned about her family as they were a bit rough. I told him not to worry, it was her he was with, not her family. However, a few years later, I realise I was wrong. The family have never as much as said hello if I walk into the room and I'm made to feel uncomfortable in my son's home although I don't visit often and try not to cross paths with them. I have heard them make racist comments and they are really not my type of people and although I have tried to not let them get to me, now there are DGC it's almost impossible to avoid them, though God knows I try! I'm tempted to mention this to my DS just to clear the air. AIBU?

It’s possible they’re intimidated by you, wouldn’t you think?

If you get on well with DS and DIL, then just invite them to yours more. Set things out to be relaxed, nice food and drinks, if there's a baby then suggest anyone who wants to can nap (my MIL is an angel so used to set out the spare bed and suggest that I nap, it makes for a VERY easy visit!). Buy your own toys for the DGC - something that works for a broad age range like duplo, teddies, instruments. Suggest they can hang out and then when DGC know you well and they want to then they can go out for a few hours leaving you with the DGC. Make it endlessly easy for them to come to you, and you'll never need to meet the ILs.

"I'm made to feel uncomfortable in my son's home although I don't visit often"

I don't get this...are they there every time you visit?

I mean if so, and they are a bunch of ignorant racists, I'd be concerned at why your son is allowing them such constant access to his home and his children, rather than worrying about how I feel when visiting. Does your son not care? Or is he being pushed into it by his partner?

I detest most of my daughter-in-law’s family. I do see them at family events, and occasionally run into them at other times (we live close to each other) when I am civil but not friendly to them. I have never, and wouldn’t tell either my son or daughter-in-law how I feel, because they can’t change her family even if they wanted to. They may have an inkling, since I do say no to ideas about joint holidays or outings, but they’ve never asked.

I do, however, make sure that I spend time with my son and family, accepting invitations when I know the other family won’t be there, inviting my son, daughter-in-law and kids here, and taking the grandkids out fairly regularly.

If DS is happy with his wife ,then you will upset him .We are not going to get along with everyone we meet in life .I would just be friendly when you meet them. Chats about the weather and so on will suffice .No mention of Nigel and his chums !

It's very much too late to say something NOW. You should not have told him "not to worry" about his partner's family when he first started seeing her. It was terrible advice on your part.

Lack of family compatibility is very much something you should worry about if you intend to get serious with a person. Yes, you don't marry the entire family, but they come as a package deal with the person you choose as your partner. If you don't like the entire package, it's best for all parties to not get involved.

If your son's in-laws are always there when you visit, why don't you invite them to visit you instead? If you arrange to visit them, do they automatically invite DIL's family as well? You could also suggest meeting them at venues suitable for your grandchildren and offer to treat them.

It would be difficult for you to raise these issues without your DIL feeling that you are criticising her family. I assume that she doesn't hold those views but that she doesn't challenge what they say?

Nothing you can do I’m afraid if your son is happy. I have many dysfunctional family
members, and being around them for events is….a lot.

I just have to suck it up and deal with it. I get being around racist people is tiring and confronting them even more tiring but I would make sure to be around to counteract their influence on the GC if they are as uncouth and horrendous as you think.

If you are welcome in your son and DIL's home then not utilising that and visiting your GC is on you. You also surely have the option to invite them over to your's or offer to babysit GC.

The PIL do sound unpleasant and you wouldn't be wrong to assertively call them out on it if they are saying nasty things. However I would feel like I'd failed my son if he wasn't calling out racist comments especially in front of his children.

You're not going to get anywhere by meekly avoiding your son and his family or by slyly sharing your aggrievances with him. You need to tackle it. Turn up whenever your invited and if the in laws are there then politely but assertively give them a piece of your mind if needed.

What an odd response. So she says to the dil your parents are rough, daughter in law says yes I know.what then?

its like if my fil said to me your mums a fuck ing weirdo with no social skills I’d say yep you’ve got it spot on. He would never say that he’s lovely by the way! It’s true though.

Op this is a them issue, it’s not a problem of yours. You need to go there expecting them to be rude etc. you are not going to charge them!

Invite your son for lunch or dinner, outings and out for dinner. Start to pull back on visits to ds’ house to make it easier.

Then surley there isn’t an issue?

It’s not clear what you are planning to mention to your DS? That you were wrong, her family does matter and he should…. what exactly? What can he do? Tell his wife her family are rough and they are no longer welcome in their lives? Break up his family? What good could possibly come from telling him?

Least said soonest mended. It’s an old motto which is true to this day.

I would just try to avoid them. Or at least, be polite if you absolutely must see them, but really how often do two sets of in laws really have to interact? Surely it can’t be much? You get on well with DIL, that’s all that’s really required.

If you dont cross paths with them very often then why should it be a problem. Just avoid them as much as possible. Start organising days out or have your DS and family come to you more often if they will. We see my parents once a week, and PIL once a week. But they never see eachother. Maybe once or twice a year at the DCs birthdays. I really dont understand why you would even see them. I appreciate its not your fault and they are the issue, but seriously just avoid them. If you really must speak to DS, just say something like youd really like to have some one on one time with them all without DILs family there, could you organise a time to come once a week when you know they wont be there?

Sorry, you want to mention WHAT to your son to 'clear the air'?

You want to announce, apropos of nothing, that his in-laws are rough? I suppose I just don't understand why you would bring it up. If you want to see him and the children more, surely you would just invite them over?

I don't think the OP has said she "clashes" with them?

I think poster means “clashing” as in not visiting the same time, not as in clash of personalities

Well, when Mr Darcy told Eliza that her mother was awful, her two sisters loud and behaving inappropiately, and so did her dad on occasion. Did it go down well? Only Jane got a pass. She agreed with him in her head but her heart made her pissed off with him. So with this in mind I would keep schtum and try to get them to go out or to your place to avoid her people. But I wouldn´t let it ruin my relationship with my gc.

What do you hope to achieve by saying anything to your son? It's certainly not going to make things less awkward. So why do it? You have good relations with your son and SIL, so don't risk that for no good reason.

Why can’t you get DS to bring DGC round to yours more?

Then probably you should leave well alone

I think you’re best leaving it be. If I’m you have contact with his in laws grin and bear it. Does their behaviour have any impact on the GCs? I’d be concerned if
they were influenced by their bad language and racist views.

Discretion is the better part of valour, in this case, I think.

Gird up and harness your kindness, your manners & social skills, and try not to notice. I suppose it's tough if your DGC through its mother's family, learns to be rude/uncouth, but hopefully your DS will see that doesn't happen.

He probably cringes at his in-laws as well.