Mother didn’t congratulate me on engagement

[Endoftheroad12345]

I split with my ex H in 2022. He was abusive in just about every way, violent, mean, we walked on egg shells around him. I’ve told the story of reconnecting with my now DP on here before - he was my high school boyfriend when I was an overseas exchange student. We started a relationship in mid 2023 and are very very happy together. It is a slightly unusual scenario in that it is a long distance relationship, but despite that we have spent a lot of time together, met each other’s friends and family, he’s spent a lot of time getting to know my kids, has met all my friends, my workmates, extended family including my many cousins. A week ago he proposed at the airport with a ring he had chosen for me on cahoots with my best friend. I said yes and we are very very happy. Our plan is that he will base himself with me and travel home as necessary. (Just trying to anticipate questions here!)

I called my mum after the engagement immediately to tell her - it was 7pm on a Saturday night. She ignored all my calls, I texted to tell her the news, no response. I called again and eventually she picked up and I got a very half arsed “that’s nice” response.
I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the weekend. This is in contrast to my best friends who have met DP and who knew what a shit my ex husband was who were loudly THRILLED for me.

Yesterday it was mother’s day here (not UK), I went to DM’s house with flowers and some nice food for lunch and took my DC to see her. We sat there for an hour while she talked about church, random people she has gone for coffee with, family members I haven’t seen for years. As the clock ticked on I kept thinking - any moment now she is going to realise she’s forgotten and ask about wedding plans, ask to see the ring etc. No …an hour went by and eventually I made my excuses and we left. Nothing. We had had her over for dinner a week prior to the engagement while DP was here and she had gushed about what a lovely evening it was and what a lovely man he is (which he is).

AIBU to think this is a no-contact line in the sand?

To make matters worse, I called my aunt (mum’s sister) who said “D”M had had told off my aunt for telling people and hadn’t told the rest of the large extended family (v unlike her as she’s like a rat up a drainpipe with any bit of news usually).

For context, DM is Catholic and a total narcissist and my exH was external v successful (the right school, jobs etc) so I think she’s embarrassed by me & the divorce (though I’m professionally successful and have done a bloody great job as a full time working solo mum with no help from anyone).

I usually take her idiocy with a grain of salt but it’s really hurt me - my dad died in November and he would have made a big fuss so it really makes me feel his absence more 🥺

Congratulations on your engagements, OP.
Sorry for the loss of your dad, and for your mother's lack of interest. Your fiance sounds wonderful, and so do you.

I think you’re right that there are feelings of shame and disapproval attached to your divorce.
You could try and argue and talk it though with but this may cause you more stress. If you have an otherwise good relationship, I would probably just carry on as normal with no expectations of her and she will hopefully come around in her own time.
Congratulations on your engagement.

Congratulations 🎊

My mom preferred abusive men for me too apparently they keep me in line

I stay single now but I'm really pleased you found someone I hope your happy 😊

You’re not unreasonable to be a bit miffed, but to actually think this is something to go no contact over is utterly ridiculous.

TBH most people don’t see second marriages as a big deal. Once you’ve been married once getting married again really isn’t something to make a big fuss about, even though you may like the new partner. Marriage is meant to be a thing for life, and although many people do get married a second (and sometimes more) time, a lot of people just see it as another wedding, rather than the wedding.

Added to which you’re currently long distance, are still trying to work out the logistics, and don’t know how (and tbh if) it will work out yet.

I’m not talking about the relationship working out but how you’re going to work out the marriage.

Engagement at this point is just a gesture. As yet there’s no wedding on the cards, you live presumably in different countries, and it sounds like it’s not going to be an easy run.

FWIW I got engaged to my DP ten years ago, and at the time someone congratulated us with “congratulations on the engagement, and hope that all goes well with any wedding, should you choose to continue down that route.” I was really put out - after all surely an engagement means a wedding at some point?

Except ten years later we’ve not been able to work things out logistically, life and stuff happened and marriage never did.

And now ten years on I wouldn’t choose to be married, even though we’re still together, and also long distance, although within the UK not countries apart.

Maybe if you’re able to work out the logistics and start planning your mum will be more involved.

Congratulations on your engagement. Please don't allow your mother's attitude to tarnish your happy time.

For context, DM is Catholic and a total narcissist and my exH was external v successful (the right school, jobs etc) so I think she’s embarrassed by me & the divorce (though I’m professionally successful and have done a bloody great job as a full time working solo mum with no help from anyone).

I was going to ask what church your mother belonged to. If your relationship and her behaviour is otherwise poor, her behaviour now can hardly be a surprise?

My (now deceased) mother would also probably have struggled somewhat in the circumstances. Not because she was a narcissist or would have been unduly impressed by an ex-husband's success. But because she too was Catholic and I gather you know that remarriage is not allowed in the Catholic Church unless under particular circumstances (annulment of first marriage, first marriage wasn't a Catholic one). My mum was divorced herself, btw. But she never remarried so could still take communion.

I have no idea whether you're religious or if you married in the CC first time around. If not, it will have no bearing on anything for you, and it's a shame that your mother is unable to participate in your current good news, but it sounds as if its consistent with the relationship you already have. At times like this, you really feel the absence of those relatives who would have been happy for you.

Congratulations OP.
I do think the divorce is relevant. I have a catholic family myself and the only reason my divorce from a violent arsehole was accepted was because we’d had a registry office wedding so they considered it „not a proper marriage“. Although some members did struggle with the idea.
She also sounds unpleasant and hard work. I wouldn’t consider it a line in the sand but I’d certainly be limiting my contact or sharing emotional details or things that are important to me.

Yep she is a witch. Be happy and surround yourself either way those who make you happy not those who drag you down.

Agree no contact over this as a one off is OTT but this is not her first rodeo! When I split from exH I busted her texting him behind my back (“Endofroad is so angry, I can’t reason with her” - this after I’d told her he’d been violent including showing her a photo of me with a black eye)

Can also understand people taking second wedding with a grain of salt! I never thought in a million years I’d want to get married again after shitshow experience with exH but I’ve surprised myself! Feel so happy and excited and that this time round will be more my “real” marriage. Hence being so upset I suppose

Is she upset because she's thinking you plan to move abroad to live with him?

TBH, I’d struggle to congratulate anyone on an engagement now as I can’t see the point in marriage any more. It’s not something I’d ever do again.

I think the church stuff is definitely a big part of it @MaggieBsBoat @Butchyrestingface - hence the weird secretiveness. I was married in the church first time around (though exH was not Catholic) so perhaps she thinks it doesn’t count?

ironically both my older sister and younger brother have failed marriages - older sister got married again and mum and dad hosted her second wedding at their house! But she annulled the first one so I suppose in Mum’s mind that makes it ok?!

However I don’t think shame was the reason for the non acknowledgement on Sunday. I think she is so self absorbed she genuinely totally forgot. I got accusatory texts once she remembered (I assume because my aunt had nudged her) “why didn’t you say anything, I wanted to see the ring!” 😵‍💫

No. I have school aged children that live with me and a very good very niche career that can’t be done in DP’s country. we’ve always been very clear that he’s moving here, and in fact he had job offers while he was here, partly facilitated via extended family members. She knows this.

you old romantic you

The history of her behaviour is more relevant than this incident to be honest.

My mother was weird about my engagement too- with none of the history of yours. We were 23. I think she just didn’t want to wind up and organise a wedding, to think about someone else for a while. She likes the attention to be on her.

Your mother lost her husband in the last 6months. She probably hasn’t got capacity to be particularly outward looking and enthusiastic at the moment.

Before going NC, just stop expecting good stuff from her. Go through the motions of having a relationship, but don’t invest emotions in it. It’s much easier than going NC. You do T have to burn bridges with everyone else, no drama, just match her energy.

It's obvious that OP's mum's reaction to her engagement is just the icing on a very shit cake. She sounds like a horrible mother and that is a good enough reason to go no contact. If she was generally lovely and her reaction was because, as a Catholic, she didn't approve of divorce and re-marriage, you would probably be correct that going no contact was an extreme reaction.

As her mum is a narcissist and generally awful to OP, no contact seems like a reasonable response.

Your ex gave you a black eye and she still supported him? Please stop caring about her opinions which are appalling and either go no contact or massively reduce the time that you and your children spend with her.

To me, the issue here is your expectations of your mother, which seem completely out of whack with who she is and her prior behaviour. That’s something you need to resolve otherwise you’re going to carry on being disappointed that she doesn’t behave in the way you want her to. Going no contact would be a way but I don’t think it would really resolve things for you.

You are right and I am surprised by how much it upset me. My expectations of her are usually non existent but not acknowledging my engagement was a new low.

@Ddakji My expectations are usually non existent so I’m not sure how to adjust them any lower!! which is why I thought I should consider non contact as an option. I went no contact for a couple of months last year after I was nearly hospitalised with the flu and no one in my family checked in on me, but it was hard as I missed out on time with my dad before he died (he was definitely not perfect either 🫠)

She probably doesn't approve and is keeping quiet about her feelings rather than discussing it with you. She's probably trying to avoid a row.

Do you want her to fake enthusiasm she doesn't feel?

Going no contact would be ridiculous.

Thank you, this is so kind. He is wonderful
and we are very lucky to have found each other again 🥹

Yes actually, I think that’s a normal thing to do. I am 43, I’ve been self sufficient since I was 18. I’ve built a great life for me and my kids without any help from anyone, I’ve escaped a shitshow of a marriage and have met and fallen in love with a wonderful kind man who adores me. I think most mothers could “fake enthusiasm” under those circumstances, or even not need to fake it!

I think I would need to talk to her and say that it's a big deal for you and you had hoped you could celebrate with her. Tell the ret of the extension fee ed family yourself. Hopefully they will be more gracious ( and it's not a Catholic thing, we are all catholic and not one of my family would behave like that. They would be delighted for me).

I mean, obviously you can go NC but surely firstly you should’ve said ‘mum are you not going to ask me about the engagement?’

Going no contact with a mum who supported her daughter's husband after he had given her daughter a black eye is absolutely not ridiculous. In fact, it would be ridiculous to keep in contact with such a dreadful mother.