Mother didn’t congratulate me on engagement

[Endoftheroad12345]

I split with my ex H in 2022. He was abusive in just about every way, violent, mean, we walked on egg shells around him. I’ve told the story of reconnecting with my now DP on here before - he was my high school boyfriend when I was an overseas exchange student. We started a relationship in mid 2023 and are very very happy together. It is a slightly unusual scenario in that it is a long distance relationship, but despite that we have spent a lot of time together, met each other’s friends and family, he’s spent a lot of time getting to know my kids, has met all my friends, my workmates, extended family including my many cousins. A week ago he proposed at the airport with a ring he had chosen for me on cahoots with my best friend. I said yes and we are very very happy. Our plan is that he will base himself with me and travel home as necessary. (Just trying to anticipate questions here!)

I called my mum after the engagement immediately to tell her - it was 7pm on a Saturday night. She ignored all my calls, I texted to tell her the news, no response. I called again and eventually she picked up and I got a very half arsed “that’s nice” response.
I didn’t hear from her for the rest of the weekend. This is in contrast to my best friends who have met DP and who knew what a shit my ex husband was who were loudly THRILLED for me.

Yesterday it was mother’s day here (not UK), I went to DM’s house with flowers and some nice food for lunch and took my DC to see her. We sat there for an hour while she talked about church, random people she has gone for coffee with, family members I haven’t seen for years. As the clock ticked on I kept thinking - any moment now she is going to realise she’s forgotten and ask about wedding plans, ask to see the ring etc. No …an hour went by and eventually I made my excuses and we left. Nothing. We had had her over for dinner a week prior to the engagement while DP was here and she had gushed about what a lovely evening it was and what a lovely man he is (which he is).

AIBU to think this is a no-contact line in the sand?

To make matters worse, I called my aunt (mum’s sister) who said “D”M had had told off my aunt for telling people and hadn’t told the rest of the large extended family (v unlike her as she’s like a rat up a drainpipe with any bit of news usually).

For context, DM is Catholic and a total narcissist and my exH was external v successful (the right school, jobs etc) so I think she’s embarrassed by me & the divorce (though I’m professionally successful and have done a bloody great job as a full time working solo mum with no help from anyone).

I usually take her idiocy with a grain of salt but it’s really hurt me - my dad died in November and he would have made a big fuss so it really makes me feel his absence more 🥺

Legal implications of marriage, security etc. Marriage is not just a piece of paper!

I have of course mentioned ir to her. Clearly my aunt had asked her if she had seen my
ein and she texted me saying she had asked as she didn’t want to say anything in front of the children and because I was “so busy talking about work” (I’ve been working on a big matter over the last two months and I mentioned it had finally ended …I talked about it for all of 3 minutes after we had been there close to an hour” ).

She clearly completely forgot. I texted back telling her not to bother and got the full “my life is full
of worries/I’m sick of trying/you were ima. bad mood when you came in (I wasn’t at all))/ your sister’s life is so hard … etc etc

To be fair this is purely about love as I’m financially independent 🤣 I just want DP to be my husband.

@Sunshineandgrapefruit Yes it’s not a Catholic thing for most Catholics I agree - all of my family are and they are delighted for me. Most of my school friends are too (not strict though) and they are thrilled too, as are their parents. It’s a factor in her weird reaction treating it as though it’s a shameful secret but I think it’s a her problem.

My younger brother lives with her - he has MH issues - and also sat there for the whole hour and didn’t mention it.

My older sister has also barely acknowledged it. One perfunctory text when I
told her “Cute”, hasn’t called, hasn’t asked to see the ring, wedding plans etc. One of her children is sick and I got a series of texts last night telling me about it in great detail- not one question about me (even how I am apart from any wedding stuff!)

They are fuckwits

Don't invite your mum, your brother or your sister. It seems as though the support only goes one way, from you to them.

Invite the friends and family that are happy for you and leave the self-involved narcissists at home.

I definitely think the Catholicism has something to do with it. When my Nan remarried (a long time ago!), her Catholic priest told her the second marriage wasn’t valid in the eyes of the church and told her to abstain from sex with her second husband. She obeyed and needless to say, he ran off with another woman. Catholic opinions on second marriage can be very odd - even to the point where some people would prefer you to stay in a bad first marriage than divorce. I think you did you! And surround yourself with people who understand and celebrate you. Congratulations!

Yes @Holdonforsummer my friend’s nanna wrote a family history and got my friend’s step dad to help her organise it, do all the graphic design, self publish it … and when he came to read it, there was no mention of him, only the 1970s wedding pictures of my friend’s mum and dad (who was a philandering alcoholic). Friend’s mum and stepdad have been married 20 years!!! That said her nanna is about 100! My mum is in her 70s and considers herself very worldly, well read (debatable), lived in London in the 70s - it’s not like she’s spent her life in a parish in Connemara.

@thepariscrimefiles we are getting married in New York and they are not invited! I’d already decided it would be best if the wedding was kept well away from them and this all validates that decision.

She may be thinking you’re mad to get engaged to someone you’ve never lived with - holidays don’t count - especially within a couple of years of a traumatic divorce and even more especially when you have young children.

She wouldn’t be alone and even if she’s always a nasty cow she wouldn’t be wrong about this.

Must say I would struggle to get enthusiastic about an engagement in a LD relationship. It doesn’t seem like a good idea especially with kids involved. IMO he should move to live with you, see how that goes, then get engaged if it works.

However - this is clearly not just about her reaction to your engagement. There’s a whole history. It sounds like the history may warrant NC more than this one incident. (Although I wouldn’t go NC if your child has a decent relationship with her as that’s not fair on him).

They think it’s a bad idea. They aren’t going to congratulate you because they clearly think it’s a bad idea for whatever reason. It does seem fairly foolhardy to marry a man you’ve never lived with when you have kids…

It’s fair to have reservations re the long distance aspect. He will be moving in with us before we get married.

I don’t agree that I need move anyone in before getting engaged - I think the opposite really. I’d only move someone in with my kids if I was 100% committed to them. I’ve known DP since I was 17.

I don’t think this is the reason for my mother and siblings’ reaction though. They don’t have a track record of being interested in/supportive of me (or remotely tactful in a way that would support the “they have concerns about the LD relationship hence the lack of interest” theory).

Congratulations!

Sorry that your family isn't supportive, and commiserations. I have found that my nutso family contributed to my becoming the type of person who accepted abuse and now I have very low expectations of them.

You never know how it will go with him and your kids until he’s in the house. There’s no way you can commit to something you haven’t tried!

Yes I agree that in your family’s case it doesn’t sound like it’s down to doubts about your relationship. More self centred ness. Sorry.

I’ll be honest and say I would have trouble being enthusiastic as well.

Especially given the long distance aspect of the relationship, your children haven’t been given a sufficient chance to get to know him. Now you are going to being engaged and moving him into the house. It would be much better if he had his own home and the progression of the relationship to cohabitation or marriage and as truly optional and child-focused.

You need to remember that your children escaped abuse just as much as you. They need stability and they may have serious issues truly trusting a new man in the house that suddenly takes even a light parenting role.

I hate to throw this out there, but could she be unenthusiastic because she thinks he’s after a visa for where you live? (I’m guessing North America as we’ve just celebrated Mother’s Day here :-)

I just want to say that I don't think your mother deserves to have you in her life. I'd go nc until she cops on.

😂 @BruFord I very much doubt that, we’re in NZ and he’s from a wealthy western European country so he’s definitely getting the shitty end of the stick relocating here! We have spent sustained amounts of time together doing normal stuff e.g. working, normal daily life, so it’s not all been delulu holiday time.

I can understand your comment @Ponderingwindow and would probably think the same thing if I read this post on MN. All I can say is that I’ve done everything to prioritise my kids over the last few years. I did massively agonise over the idea of even having a new relationship (Catholic guilt again) but I’m comfortable with the pace of the relationship and how I’ve integrated DP. I talked to a child therapist about how best to do it - I didn’t introduce DP to them for a while but she told me that if I was serious about him I should do it, because children figure out more than they let on, and not sharing information with them (within reason) damages their trust.

I genuinely now feel that DP improves all of our lives, and I am not just saying that because I am starry-eyed in lurve. I feel like my kids are finally seeing a healthy loving relationship role modelled. DD says he is “too nice” to me (which speaks volumes about what she saw from her dad 🥴)

I definitely agree with the take that children know far more about adult lives than we tend to give them credit for.

@Endoftheroad12345 😂 I’m sure he doesn’t view it as the shitty end of the stick.

I don’t think I could love a man that is leaving his 3 year old child thousands of miles away to live with me and my children

DD says he is “too nice” to me (which speaks volumes about what she saw from her dad 🥴)

How often has your DD even seen this man given you only got together with him in… mid 2023! And he lives the other side of the world to you 😕

I have a boyfriend but he doesn’t live with us and won’t for a few years. They do not want to live with him and are almost of the age where their wishes will be taken into account.

the OP earlier this year