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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be upset about partner watching porn?

64 replies

Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:24

We have a wonderful relationship, together 2 years. Have very regular, amazing sex.

So this morning I caught him watching porn while I thought he was having a lie in. I didn't think I'd have a problem with it but actually it's really upset me. More because we just had sex last night so I'm questioning why he felt the need to watch it. It's made me question everything. He treats me like a queen, I've never been happier. So now I kind of feel like it was all a lie. I honestly never thought he would have a need to watch it.

Am I being daft? I threatened to end our relationship and he cried and begged me to forgive him. He can't explain why he did it. I would understand if we had a sexless relationship but we truly don't. Feel crap now. I want to know if I'm overreacting? Thanks all

OP posts:
Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:37

It would be good to hear from anyone who found themselves in this situation. Or a man's point of view?
I feel like I'm not enough. I take care of myself, make an effort with my face and body and think I look good. But clearly it's not enough. I now doubt everything.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/05/2025 13:38

Why do you think that his treating you well has all been a lie?

Missedthis · 11/05/2025 13:39

He gets his rocks off to women who may well be being abused, coerced or otherwise harmed.

That’s where I would begin the conversation.

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/05/2025 13:40

Missedthis · 11/05/2025 13:39

He gets his rocks off to women who may well be being abused, coerced or otherwise harmed.

That’s where I would begin the conversation.

This.

SDmdzMn · 11/05/2025 13:41

I was you 20 years ago and told DH that it was a deal breaker for me. I haven't regretted that stance.

Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:47

MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/05/2025 13:38

Why do you think that his treating you well has all been a lie?

I guess I mean I thought that I was his everything, that he wouldn't ever need to view porn. That the relationship we had isn't as amazing as I thought.

OP posts:
Jaehee · 11/05/2025 13:48

YANBU but even if he says he'll stop, he almost certainly won't so you either accept it or end the relationship.

Just be prepared to be single for the rest of your life because you'll be hard pressed to find a man who genuinely doesn't.

Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:48

SDmdzMn · 11/05/2025 13:41

I was you 20 years ago and told DH that it was a deal breaker for me. I haven't regretted that stance.

Did you initially find him watching it then gave him the ultimatum?

OP posts:
SDmdzMn · 11/05/2025 13:49

Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:48

Did you initially find him watching it then gave him the ultimatum?

Show quote history

Yes

Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:49

Jaehee · 11/05/2025 13:48

YANBU but even if he says he'll stop, he almost certainly won't so you either accept it or end the relationship.

Just be prepared to be single for the rest of your life because you'll be hard pressed to find a man who genuinely doesn't.

That's exactly it I know men do it. But my confusion is WHY he did it when we had just had sex the night before. It's thrown me. If he was single fair enough, but he has a healthy sex life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:51

SDmdzMn · 11/05/2025 13:49

Yes

Show quote history

If you found out he had watched it would you end it and throw it all away? I just think what a great shame it would be to end it when what we have is so great, or so I thought 😥

OP posts:
RedJamDoughnut · 11/05/2025 13:52

My partner had a period of watching porn. It made our sex life shit. I was vocal about the rubbish sex. The porn has either now stopped or is much less as I now have a greatly improved sex life.

SDmdzMn · 11/05/2025 13:53

20 years on I'm a different, more secure, don't really care person, so I don't know actually.

Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:54

RedJamDoughnut · 11/05/2025 13:52

My partner had a period of watching porn. It made our sex life shit. I was vocal about the rubbish sex. The porn has either now stopped or is much less as I now have a greatly improved sex life.

This is the confusing thing, our sex life is amazing so why did he feel the need to look.

OP posts:
namechangeGOT · 11/05/2025 13:56

Put the porn to one side for a minute. Are you upset that he was masturbating? That you feel that despite you both having sex last night he felt the need to then masturbate the day after?

because the thing is, lots of people (mostly women) have an issue with porn - that’s their prerogative for a multitude of reasons. They don’t mind the fact however, that their partners are wanking.

then there are the women who do not like the idea of their partners masturbating and that they should be ‘everything’ because they ‘have an healthy sex life’ and so they shouldn’t need to wank.

I get the impression from your posts, that it isn’t so much the porn that’s the issue, it’s his masturbating that is. And if that’s the case, then you’re out of order.

nonevernotever · 11/05/2025 13:56

Missedthis · 11/05/2025 13:39

He gets his rocks off to women who may well be being abused, coerced or otherwise harmed.

That’s where I would begin the conversation.

Another in favour of this. You will get a lot of people telling you that every man watches porn , that it is completely separate from your relationship etcetc, but it's a problem for you and that is the bottom line. Ps my DH genuinely doesn't watch porn - he says that he'd rather be doing than watching others, and he hates the pretty unpleasant subtext to a lot of "mainstream" porn these days (rape, incest, underage and often pretty violent sex too) along with the idea that people may be being exploited in making it.

SDmdzMn · 11/05/2025 13:56

I wouldn't bother trying to analyse his thoughts or reasons, I think it's either a deal breaker for you at this point or not?

SapporoBaby · 11/05/2025 13:57

I do not like porn for the ethical issues.

But he doesn’t watch it because you’re not ‘enough’. He watches it because it’s there and it’s free and he can. Many men have grown up with access to this content and see it as normal and expected to watch it as an ‘extra’ that’s separate from their sex life.

They see it as just another form of entertainment. However disgusting that may be.

DontDoItIdiot · 11/05/2025 13:57

I think most men watch porn, and those that claim not to are probably lying to keep the peace. Before the days of the internet, men would rent out XXX videos or purchase magazines with topless women as wank fodder, and these were readily on sale in mainstream shops. It's not a new phenomenon, it just evolved with time. Many men like visual stimuli, regardless of whose body they're looking at. I'm not saying I'm agreeing that this is ok, it's merely an observation of pretty much every man I know. FWIW I have gay friends who are exactly the same when it comes to same sex porn.

Unless you had a conversation about this at the beginning of your relationship explaining that porn is a deal breaker for you, I think threatening to end the relationship is extreme if he didn't know your boundaries. But now he does know them, you can set the rules. And I really, really wouldn't take it personally that it means he's not as attracted to you as your thought. The two events are likely completely separate in his mind.

Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:59

namechangeGOT · 11/05/2025 13:56

Put the porn to one side for a minute. Are you upset that he was masturbating? That you feel that despite you both having sex last night he felt the need to then masturbate the day after?

because the thing is, lots of people (mostly women) have an issue with porn - that’s their prerogative for a multitude of reasons. They don’t mind the fact however, that their partners are wanking.

then there are the women who do not like the idea of their partners masturbating and that they should be ‘everything’ because they ‘have an healthy sex life’ and so they shouldn’t need to wank.

I get the impression from your posts, that it isn’t so much the porn that’s the issue, it’s his masturbating that is. And if that’s the case, then you’re out of order.

It's absolutely the porn. I find it a turn on if he masturbates. I do it too, we're human. However why the need to watch the porn, it's so confusing and hurtful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 14:00

SapporoBaby · 11/05/2025 13:57

I do not like porn for the ethical issues.

But he doesn’t watch it because you’re not ‘enough’. He watches it because it’s there and it’s free and he can. Many men have grown up with access to this content and see it as normal and expected to watch it as an ‘extra’ that’s separate from their sex life.

They see it as just another form of entertainment. However disgusting that may be.

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 14:01

DontDoItIdiot · 11/05/2025 13:57

I think most men watch porn, and those that claim not to are probably lying to keep the peace. Before the days of the internet, men would rent out XXX videos or purchase magazines with topless women as wank fodder, and these were readily on sale in mainstream shops. It's not a new phenomenon, it just evolved with time. Many men like visual stimuli, regardless of whose body they're looking at. I'm not saying I'm agreeing that this is ok, it's merely an observation of pretty much every man I know. FWIW I have gay friends who are exactly the same when it comes to same sex porn.

Unless you had a conversation about this at the beginning of your relationship explaining that porn is a deal breaker for you, I think threatening to end the relationship is extreme if he didn't know your boundaries. But now he does know them, you can set the rules. And I really, really wouldn't take it personally that it means he's not as attracted to you as your thought. The two events are likely completely separate in his mind.

Thank you, I need to hear this type of advice x

OP posts:
WilmaTitsDrop · 11/05/2025 14:04

Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 13:37

It would be good to hear from anyone who found themselves in this situation. Or a man's point of view?
I feel like I'm not enough. I take care of myself, make an effort with my face and body and think I look good. But clearly it's not enough. I now doubt everything.

It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact some people just like porn.

There's no more need for it than there's a need to watch Coronation Street, it's just something some people enjoy doing.

You're perfectly entitled to hate it and to ask him to stop if that's your dealbreaker.

He's perfectly entitled to refuse if that's his dealbreaker.

But it's nothing to do with your looks, your body or anything else about you.

Original poster
Herecomessummerrollonautumn · 11/05/2025 14:05

WilmaTitsDrop · 11/05/2025 14:04

It's nothing to do with you and everything to do with the fact some people just like porn.

There's no more need for it than there's a need to watch Coronation Street, it's just something some people enjoy doing.

You're perfectly entitled to hate it and to ask him to stop if that's your dealbreaker.

He's perfectly entitled to refuse if that's his dealbreaker.

But it's nothing to do with your looks, your body or anything else about you.

Show quote history

Thank you x

OP posts:
Mischance · 11/05/2025 14:05

He gets his rocks off to women who may well be being abused, coerced or otherwise harmed.
That’s where I would begin the conversation.

This exactly - it tells you a lot about his attitude to women.