To be upset about partner watching porn?

[Herecomessummerrollonautumn]

We have a wonderful relationship, together 2 years. Have very regular, amazing sex.

So this morning I caught him watching porn while I thought he was having a lie in. I didn't think I'd have a problem with it but actually it's really upset me. More because we just had sex last night so I'm questioning why he felt the need to watch it. It's made me question everything. He treats me like a queen, I've never been happier. So now I kind of feel like it was all a lie. I honestly never thought he would have a need to watch it.

Am I being daft? I threatened to end our relationship and he cried and begged me to forgive him. He can't explain why he did it. I would understand if we had a sexless relationship but we truly don't. Feel crap now. I want to know if I'm overreacting? Thanks all

To be fair I don't actually know what he was watching/looking at, I will try and dig further.

This.

My line is this. I don’t find it normal, erotic or a turn on. I don’t think it’s female empowerment - the reverse

Not to justify but only to explain (I’m male)

he might be feeling the urge, but just wants to get himself off. A comparison is sometimes you want a quickie, other times you might want a long session.

its very very unlikely to be about you, a reflection on you, or that he’s unhappy with your sex life or physical aspects. I’d put that at less than 1%, and there would be many other signs.

you may have many reasons not to like it, but I’m virtually certain it won’t be about you

It would be a total deal breaker for me. Men who get off watching drug addled, abused and trafficked women forced into filmed sexual activity aren’t my cup of tea.

However, that’s irrelevant as it’s your relationship, not mine.

''@Jaehee
Just be prepared to be single for the rest of your life because you'll be hard pressed to find a man who genuinely doesn't.''

I hate this gaslighting of women who express concern about porn use and content.

No one should ignore their concerns because we are being told that 'this is just something all men do'...

It is perfectly sensible to question what porn is doing to relationship by showing an unrealistic depiction of sex that too often involves the degradation of women.

Or to question why we should be OK with the fact that many women and girls are being forced to do some of the content that is available online due to being trafficked or filmed by partners without their consent.

Telling women to just put up with it because men's needs come first or that (shame of all shame...) they could end up single if they say anything no longer cuts it as far as I am concerned.

Agree.

It’s an unbelievably low opinion of men and a ridiculously low bar.

There are plenty of men who understand the damage porn does both to the individual women involved and to women as a class.

It takes 20 seconds of research to see how concerning some of the most popular search terms are on the “mainstream” porn sites. Pornhub has had some truly awful cases where underage and/or non consensual videos have been uploaded.

Lots of men see how damaging this “industry” is.

Surely, OP, that’s worthy of consideration?

I've no idea. I much rather the physical act of sex & porn dosent do much for me. Does he have a particular type / kink.
i got him to show me what he watched

This is personal choice.
Some women are ok with it, many are not.

It’s ok if you’re not ok with it.

Men who watch porn don’t usually change, so make your choices and boundaries clear with him but realistically? They don’t change. Women are objects to men like this and it’s a literal addiction (because these men have watched it since childhood)

We live in a culture saturated in porn now. Men are too weak for that. I choose single, so you gotta be willing to do that if you think porn addicts are manky mutts (as I do)

Sorry, where did I say men's needs come first or that women should put up with it? OP will be hard-pressed to find a man who doesn't watch it. If you look at statistics on the subject, this is the reality of the situation. How does posting about trafficking and degradation of women actually help OP to deal with it? It's not OP who needs telling!

There's no point in trying to educate a grown man about the potential for coercion and abuse as they will be well aware of it. Apart from the fact it's not a woman's job, do people think porn users have never watched something that's made them question whether someone is actually ok? If a man is watching porn thinking everyone is having a lovely time then he's an idiot.

(shame of all shame...) they could end up single if they say anything no longer cuts it as far as I am concerned.

Nothing wrong with being single. I've been single by choice for years now because I personally can't be bothered with this sort of shite.

It wouldn’t bother me at all but I know I’m in the minority.

You may not but millions of people do. People compartmentalise, I watch porn & I don’t for one minute suddenly think this could ethically wrong just a I don’t eat steak & feel bad about the poor cow who was slaughtered & what conditions it may have been subjected to. To suggest that we start feeling ethically or morally wrong for watching in porn is never going to happen & is frankly ridiculous. I don’t give it another thought afterwards & I don’t find my partner less attractive, the two things aren’t remotely connected

This

Men can feel especially horny at random times and he might have just wanted a quickie before starting his day. I think porn is a horrific industry but for many men, they’ve grown up with it being almost ‘normal’ (as wrong as that is) to put on porn. It’s got nothing at all to do with you. Just seeing the female form and also habit. They almost don’t think about it and many of them haven’t thought about the industry enough. It’s like a bad habit for many men. I’d be a bit more understanding. Be clear it’s just the porn specifically that bothers you. Ask him to maybe look into the issues of this industry and try to get out of the habit of using it. But he might struggle and I think some leniency is better than him feeling like he needs to hide it. Maybe tell him about the known risks of addiction which then affects sex lives - he could read about that too. He’s probably feeling pretty embarrassed and sounds like an otherwise great boyfriend so… maybe this is something you can allow (no one is perfect) and he can work on?

Interesting that you use the equivalence of a piece of meat.

It’s really not when thinking our behaviour from a moral/ethical standpoint. Whether you like it or not it will continue.

Rather missed the point.

Ok so it was pictures on an amateur site. Can't decide if that's better or worse 🤔

In what sense “better or worse”

Did he check that everyone involved consented to the upload? Did he check, before wanking, that there was no coercion, abuse or other harm?

Just another excuser of poor male behaviour.

First he compares abused trafficked women to cattle sociopathically stating he doesn't give a fuck about the abuse of these PEOPLE, they're just meat to him.

Then he says, well it's not going to change because men's wants are more important than women being raped.

What a charmer. Hopefully every single woman in his life including his mother realises what a misogynistic monster he is and turns their back on him.

Things can change, they do change. Society needs to start shaming porn using men for their depravity. No wonder less and less women are seeking out relationships.

You made him cry? Sorry op, I actually think that you probably did overreact and should apologise. Watching porn is not like cheating, or in any way a judgement on you. The majority of men do it, for men it's a self-soothing behaviour, it's not deviant behaviour (unless the nature of the porn is, or it's done to excess). I know you feel hurt, and there are many other women who feel the same on this subject, but he absolutely wasn't trying to hurt you. Please don't make him feel shameful over this or he could turn defensive and this matter could escalate and sour into something it really didn't need to be.

Thank you that means alot. Yes he was sobbing and begging me not to leave him. We have genuinely never discussed porn, as in my head why would he need it, so we never had rules about it. He was bereft and didn't realise it would upset me I guess. Him telling me what he was actually looking at didn't help to be honest, pictures seem more specific than clips.

"There are plenty of men who understand the damage porn does both to the individual women involved and to women as a class."

I don't think there are plenty of men who do. There are bound to be some by the law of averages but, no, men don't get the damage and they care even less. I can guarantee that most of the posters who declare their husbands recoil at the thought of porn are sadly deluded.

I agree, but MN as a whole is largely very supportive of men who love porn (posters often claiming they 'love porn themselves' and all fine) and very censorious of female partners who don't like it.

I don't understand why many women on here are so determined to stick up for it, but they are.

Men could just have a wank fgs. No need for the 'visual stimulus', I know they like it but that's not the same as needing it.

You might be right. I should perhaps have said “there are plenty of men I know”

It’s perhaps indicative of the men I choose to have close to me.

I’m female!