Should a Brain Surgeon be up at night with a baby doing night feeds ?

[Mondaytuesdayhappydays]

Should a surgeon working full time, operating on patients each day be up with a baby at night doing 2/3 hourly feeds.

If they were operating in your child and had had only 3/4 hours sleep each night over the last fortnight would this be acceptable to you?

My DD used to out earn her DW by a country mile in IT but she hated it and has no desire to go back.
I think they will find their way but apparently the bedroom idea is ‘ on hold’ atm and they are at a stalemate.

Hmmm...i def think DIL is being reasonable for working days its not like its an office job AND they are dependent on DILs career

your DD sounds like motherhood has left her shell shocked (I can relate 😵‍💫😅)

I think if you are prepared to do a night or two with the baby would it be an option to offer that once a week or something???

She should also start reading up on sleep training to start on that at 6m...

Honestly? It sounds like your DD being a SAHP is going to be a recipe for resentment and long-term she needs to think about work.

Yes I think ‘shell shocked’ is an apt description.
DD not ready for overnights (DIL would kill
for one)
I try to be as present as possible

I would say no, but I would expect them to stay up with the baby and give a late night feed while their partner slept. Then the partner take over the rest of the night. Also doing night feeds or an early morning wake up one of their days off

Gosh yes
I can’t see that being an issue at all.
DIL is a cracking mum and I’d say that’s a given
I don’t think the issue sadly.

I’ve messaged and offered to stay over etc while they find a groove

I suppose I always imagined- rightly or wrongly- that two woman would smash this between them.

Who is doing the lions share of the night feeds at the moment?

Your dd has to get used to doing the lion share of taking care of the baby. I am sure she will figure it out and you're worrying for nothing. She has no choice.

Sharing equally i believe- not heard any complaints either side on that front

Well that’s my attitude tbh-same as most of us all did.
My DH worked long hours and took all the overtime going as I stopped off work until
youngest was at school.
The idea he would be getting up at night was bonkers at that time.

I feel like this is a father trying to justify why he can’t help with a newborn.

sorry sorry, didn’t read the thread, my bad!!

Dh worked long hours but helped every feed. He’d change the nappy and hand me the baby the swap (twins). If he had an important meeting then he’d miss a feed so he’d get a bit more sleep but rarely did that. Surgeons don’t tend to be in theatre every day - they run clinics and see patients, make patient plans. On theatre list days then you could give them more sleep but they don’t get out of all nights imo.

Yes this is exactly what we did. DP was in the spare room for a year but didn’t go to bed until 1/2am, until which point he was in charge. We both got a solid chunk that way.

Can’t help you with that sorry x

I can't answer the OP, but did want to point out this post is probably pretty outing! There can't be too many gay brain surgeons who have new babies that are about to return to work....

If one partner is a SAHP or on maternity leave then it’s fair for them to do the majority (not all) of the night feeds during the working week.

if both parents are back at work, like fuck do you get out of all night feeds by being a surgeon. What a complete lack of regard for the other parent such an attitude shows.

if people are worried about the fatigue of people operating, the bigger issue is the way the NHS works surgeons to the bone. I was married to a surgeon and honestly the work load is ridiculous, he’s constantly exhausted even once our kids slept through.

You make a fair point - neither are on Mumsnet and I’m quite new!

The risk of making errors massively increases with tiredness - your DIL is quite right to prioritise sleep when she quite literally has people's lives in her hands

This is a very good point. There are about 400 neurosurgeons in the UK and the most recent RCS stats said that 10.6% are female.
So of the 40 female neurosurgeons I'm sure this suddenly becomes very identifiable - OP you might want to get this thread pulled.

I think so and I don’t think in any way DiL is trying to shirk.

She’s a very serious woman who’s worked hard to get where she is I guess and quite pragmatic regarding her own needs, in order to work to best of her ability.

She has commented the way things are at the moment she would not be able to cope working full time in her current if any role as things are.

How would I do that ? X

I can understand your daughter feels daunted at the thought of doing much more night feeds, when at the moment she is doing half and probably feels pretty tired as it is. Doing double the night feeds probably feels unbearable.

But many parents do this night in night out. Yes it sucks. Yes being sleep deprived is awful. But you have to remind yourself that it is the drawback of having the beautiful baby.

I had 3 babies very close together. All were exclusively breastfed, all 3 refused to take a bottle ever (despite my husband trying several times at the weekends). My husband worked full time (not a Neurosurgeon but a high paid job with responsibility) whilst I was a SAHM.

Yes I was exhausted…. but I could take it slow and easy during the day with the babies/toddlers on days when I was really tired. I absolutely would never have expected my husband to be getting up through the night when he had work the next day.

Our compromise was that on a weekend I would get up and do a first feed with the baby at 6/7am ish and then he would take over and I would go back to bed for another hour or two.

I would have slightly more sympathy if DD as the other parent is also putting in a day’s graft, but as it is she isn’t. Of course her wife should rest if performing surgery on patients.

Not necessarily, especially if they live in London