Is my four year old spoilt?

[Throwawayyyy]

Changed name. Been here years. Sistine chapel, weird mobile found in the back garden etc.

I have concerns about my four year old DC. To begin with, I have ADHD. I don’t know if my DC has it because I can’t tell what’s normal child-like behaviour and what isn’t if I’m honest, I had no experience of kids before having DC.

They are a very bright and fun-loving child and I have had no complaints about their behaviour at school, they seem to be well liked and always good reports. But at home, there are aspects about their behaviour that I really dislike. They aren’t naughty per se but I find them rude. They aren’t always demanding toys or crap food and kick off if they don’t get it. If we’re out and I talk to someone else they get into a hissy fit and hit me. They get wound up about the idea of another child touching their things and hit cross with me a few weeks back because I borrowed a pound from them for a supermarket trolley as I didn’t have any change. I asked them and they went ballistic at the idea of me borrowing something even though they were reassured they would get it back.

I say no to most requests, I discipline behaviour I don’t think is okay but it’s like they forget immediately. So they might be rude to me, they get into trouble, five minutes later they’re rude again. Three times today they’ve interrupted and shouted and hit me when I’ve been talking to another adult, even though all three times it was a minute or two. They want me with them all the time and if I am busy, say cooking, they get really angry and cry.

I don’t know what is normal or if this is spoilt behaviour? When we have play dates they seem to be just like other kids and I have no concerns, but alone their behaviour seems so rude that it’s making me concerned that they will grow up spoilt. But I don’t spoil them at all? They aren’t showered with gifts or anything, but they ask me every day, every time we’re out it’s all ‘I want, I want’ and it’s embarrassing.

P.S sorry if they ‘they’ is annoying, I’m trying to maintain anonymity. It’s just one kid though.

I think it sounds very like my ADHD boy tbh. If you have ADHD there’s a very high chance they do too.

There's definitely some behaviour to address. However a lot of 4yo are very self centred and bossy. It sounds like the bigger issues are around "sharing" you and your attention.

No idea but mine is similar. Great reports from preschool, good at sharing with her friends, never hits or pushes etc (touch wood of course), bright, sociable and fun. With me she's a bloody nightmare though! I think if anything it might be because boundaries at home are quite relaxed and we don't have much of a routine. DH and I also have ADHD.

You need to stop accepting the shit behaviour so that they understand there are lines that they do not cross.

We have to go to the toilet together. I put my foot down and say ‘no, when I’m in the bathroom or getting dressed I want to be alone’ and they just cry and cry. I’m overwhelmed and exhausted because it’s just the two of us most of the time, apart from school and work. I try and socialise them as much as possible and they’re great with other kids! But other adults receive rudeness whether they try and engage or not and I find it so humiliating.

But I don’t accept it. I discipline but they don’t seem to care, they just do it again. I don’t know if they forget? They care in the moment then boom, forgotten.

We also don’t have much of a routine and school holidays are worse I think because of that. Maybe I should put in a routine but I really struggle with routine with ADHD, I need space and time.

Sen issues or not, hitting is unacceptable. Hissy fits are understandable, they’re allowed their emotions, adults can struggle to regulate, so as long as you don’t think their disproportionate then its not an issue. If you do think they’re an issue I’d just make sure not to bend to the hissy fit ‘wants’ , plus teaching calming breathing.

We do calm breathing and sometimes they’re great and sometimes they just refuse. The hissy fits aren’t awful, it’s the rudeness and the selfishness that breaks me. The constant demand for stuff, more stuff. But they’ve never been spoilt like that so I don’t get where it has come from or if it’s just a stage they go through?

I agree about the hitting. They only ever hit me and only under certain circumstances. I don’t know how many times I have dealt with it but it just happens again. It’s like discipline just doesn’t work.

It does sound a lot like my dd when she was younger. She's awaiting assessment for autism & adhd. If you've tried the usual behaviour management strategies and they're not working then it's possible he has inherited adhd from you. Either way though, lack of routine won't be helping so I think you do need to try to find one.

Okay thank you. I will need to have a think about it. It’s hard because we just do things depending on whether and what else is going on. I struggle with routine but I’ll do it for them. I’m very spontaneous as I find it calming.

If my child kept hitting me I'd smack them.

You’d be physically violent towards a child? Nice.

So when they hit you in front of people, do they get told off right then and there and marched home? They do it because they know it works.

Yep.

Sounds very much like my step daughter who has ADHD, she even looks shocked when I tell her off again for the same thing 5 minutes later 🤦

Do they have behavioural issues? Possibly.

Are they spoilt? No. That’s a word with a specific meaning that clearly doesn’t apply here.

Sounds like my daughter, also potentially has ADHD. It is exhausting!

Sounds like my son who is going through autism assessments atm. He is very very protective of his things and people touching his things, cant deal with unexpected changes, is a nightmare shopping.
However, you dd is just 4 and a lot of this sounds like normal 4 year old behaviour to me too.

Adhd Mum here. It does sound very possible to be adhd. Some thing to be aware of is the neurodivergent children are usually 1 year - 18 months younger developmentally than their biological age.
However I also have a son who was diagnosed with autism and I recognize what you say about the crying and carrying on. He could do it for hours.
What helped me was:
A routine. Quite strict. Yes I know this is boring.
Not too much explaining or choices.
Earplugs. (I am being serious)
And often I’m afraid I would ignore when a fuss was made eg when you borrowed the £ coin. Life isn’t always fair, they don’t have to understand everything you are doing. Stand firm when making a decision.
It is very very wearing. I also think little boys are like dogs. They need thoroughly tiring out. Swimming, running around in a park etc. And consequences - you know it’s perfectly ok to use reins if he runs away. You say we are doing x, I want you to hold me hand. If you don’t I will give you a warning eg hold my hand or we will need to use the reins to be safe. You warn, be doesn’t comply. Reins.
My son used to get very overwhelmed in busy crowded places and his behavior would deteriorate or be would run off. Because he was overwhelmed
I always used to remember it wasn’t naughtiness is was overwhelm. So it wasn’t a punishment but it was a consequence to manage the situation or keep him safe.
Also I would remind myself that I am in charge. Believe in my own authority.
But some things like hitting me were completely unacceptable and if it came to that then there would be a quick consequence and I required an apology and a hug. This was non negotiable.
Also a male figure to sometimes really be firm. Boys respond well to that. It’s helpful for them to have a male in their life they love and respect but also shows them self control. Maybe a martial arts or judo or something like that when he is a bit older. Mine also loved to talk about what he was interested in and that can be a good distraction.
ooh and visual clues

Yes this is it. It’s like they’ve entirely forgotten what happened just a few minutes ago. It drives me nuts and I don’t know how to mitigate for it.

I’m not sure I can answer on the adhd aspect op but I’ve thing I have noticed is that children really mimic. It’s their way of learning.

A few of the things you mention sound to me as though they could be your four year old being “ firm and stern” with you. It easy for us to understand when firmness is appropriate but I’m wondering if they are copying this when trying to “ put their foot down” on thd pound coin etc. When you say no you feel you are disciplining; when they say no it seems rude. Is there any possibility you need to modify your style of firmness? It’s easy to get it wrong because we know it’s needed!

This is my issue, I don’t know why is just pushing boundaries. My memory is shocking and I can’t recall what was good for me as a child and what didn’t work. To be honest, I still don’t really know what is good for me now! When I encounter other kids I feel like they’re so normal, but other times I don’t. But my inexperience with kids doesn’t help.

Fyi the I want I want is pretty normal. As a child my Mum just tried to never take us to the shops as she couldn’t stand it. It could also be that before you go into a Shop you stop. Get down to his level and get eye contact say 'son we are going into Tescos. Here’s the list. What’s on it? You could draw some pictures maybe. Or have an app on the phone with photos of the items.‘ Lets do this together‘ when he asks for things you say 'we are getting the items on the list' Don’t say no or anything. Just stick to your guns.

PS you sound like a really loving Mum who cares for her child a lot.