Is my four year old spoilt?

[Throwawayyyy]

Changed name. Been here years. Sistine chapel, weird mobile found in the back garden etc.

I have concerns about my four year old DC. To begin with, I have ADHD. I don’t know if my DC has it because I can’t tell what’s normal child-like behaviour and what isn’t if I’m honest, I had no experience of kids before having DC.

They are a very bright and fun-loving child and I have had no complaints about their behaviour at school, they seem to be well liked and always good reports. But at home, there are aspects about their behaviour that I really dislike. They aren’t naughty per se but I find them rude. They aren’t always demanding toys or crap food and kick off if they don’t get it. If we’re out and I talk to someone else they get into a hissy fit and hit me. They get wound up about the idea of another child touching their things and hit cross with me a few weeks back because I borrowed a pound from them for a supermarket trolley as I didn’t have any change. I asked them and they went ballistic at the idea of me borrowing something even though they were reassured they would get it back.

I say no to most requests, I discipline behaviour I don’t think is okay but it’s like they forget immediately. So they might be rude to me, they get into trouble, five minutes later they’re rude again. Three times today they’ve interrupted and shouted and hit me when I’ve been talking to another adult, even though all three times it was a minute or two. They want me with them all the time and if I am busy, say cooking, they get really angry and cry.

I don’t know what is normal or if this is spoilt behaviour? When we have play dates they seem to be just like other kids and I have no concerns, but alone their behaviour seems so rude that it’s making me concerned that they will grow up spoilt. But I don’t spoil them at all? They aren’t showered with gifts or anything, but they ask me every day, every time we’re out it’s all ‘I want, I want’ and it’s embarrassing.

P.S sorry if they ‘they’ is annoying, I’m trying to maintain anonymity. It’s just one kid though.

You know what else? The natural consequence of eating too many sweets is rotten teeth. Should she also pull their teeth out to teach a lesson?

Generally, we teach our child how to be safe so they can keep themselves safe from these kind of horrible consequences, not act them out ourselves.

No, we should stop them eating too many sweets, which is easily done - the parent buys the food. But the OP does not seem to be able to stop her own child from hitting her (which is what's actually horrible). She sounds absolutely desperate and at the end of her rope; if she doesn't take control, she'll make herself ill.

We all learn at some point that the way to keep ourselves safe from being hit is by not hitting people. If the child doesn't learn that now, they'll learn it from some other kids later. It tends to be a lesson that's quite quickly and easily learnt. Might as well learn it early, as well as learning that his / her mother is also a person, and must not be treated like this.

My 6yo is quite like this. The hitting is a big problem and has got them suspended from school once. They are diagnosed with ASD and I think ADHD is likely too. We have quite a strict routine, but they are vvv sensory driven and meeting those needs is extremely difficult. I have found it helpful reading some of the other replies on this thread. Parenting ND children is very lonely and I ought to cone on here more often to remind myself that there is nothing new under the sun

There’s no way I could hit my child, I just couldn’t do it, there has to be another way.

I disagree with hitting the child.

I posted before that children take us as examples. It might take a bit longer than frightening them into submission but it’s worth it. Longer term you are teaching them that when they are big enough they can hit.

Can you give some examples please? So this morning they tried to hit me with a toy after I refused to do something. I immediately removed the toy and explained that if they can’t behave with said toy, they can’t have it. They cried and begged so we sat down and cuddled till they calmed down and I explained about hitting and hurting and the long term issues of this. I don’t hit them and never would. I was calm, kind but firm. They talked to me and gave the impression that they understood. They apologised. They keep asking for the toy back but I’m sticking to my guns and the answer is no, not today. There has been no further issue with regards to kicking off or hitting.

Is that enough? They haven’t hit me again but they don’t hit me that often, it’s once every few weeks usually, so I don’t know if this strategy will work or not - until it doesn’t.

I feel like I’m a kind person. I talk about kindness a lot. My son has asked me about war for example and I’ve explained how kindness helps to stop it from happening and about saying no when others are unkind etc. Ae talk a lot. I’m not mean. I don’t use things like the naughty step because I don’t see how it helps. He listens alto music and stories and reads books with kindness and respect at the core.
How else can I model not hitting? Is it just repetition and one day they grow out of it? I’m so drained.

just had a thought - maybe all this is worse? Maybe it’s giving them attention? Maybe I need to ignore it all? I don’t know

I think what you are doing sounds so much better than hitting him op.

One thing I would say is, especially if there is ND involved, the fact that things don’t resolve immediately doesn’t mean you are doing anything “ wrong.” Parenting is hard. Children can be hard work. That’s why traditional systems of school and discipline resorted to shaming, intimidating and even corporal punishment. If they could have just asked the child to do things as they wanted, none of that would have come about.

Its so hard to know from an online post if maybe you are giving too much attention with it; I think that’s a valid concern. Maybe have a “ system” where you give the cuddles and explanation the first time ( that morning/ afternoon etc) but thereafter for that day try to just explain and reinforce the decision, rather than the cuddles etc. Children will repeat behaviours that get a gratifying response and you don’t want misbehaving / tantrums to be one his modes of getting affection ( plenty of adults actually do this this!!) . Just teach him whenever he wants a cuddle he can ask .

But yes, op, in a way it is just being consistent and waiting. I know that’s hard 💐

In any case, it sounds like for today at least it has actually worked?

Putting your foot down and setting a boundary means not letting them do it, even if they cry.

If you, "put your foot down", then they cry, and then you 'have to go to toilet together', all you have done is taught them that cry = get what you want.

Boundaries and discipline require you to be ok with you kid screaming and crying.

We don’t, I shut the toilet door and they cry on the other side of it. Or they lurk on the stairs whilst I get dressed. But even these things I find too overwhelming. And I feel like by this age, shouldn’t they be over this? I don’t know.

Not all children are the same op. Those of us with more than one know you can treat them exactly the same and get a different outcome. It’s harder for you to trust that logic if you only have the one.

When it gets tough I think it helps to go back to basics. If there is one overriding thing a parent has to do ( besides keeping them physically safe) it is to make the child feel loved and secure. Yes, discipline is important; but it can be addressed to some extent “ tomorrow.” What cannot be “un-happened” is cruelty. You can seek help with the discipline if need be, but only you can make him feel his mum’s love. If you feel lost, just let that guide you till you can call in support.

It sounds like what you're doing is fine. However, I think at this age talking things through to this extent probably wouldn't really do much. I would keep it to the consequence (if you're not playing nicely with the toy it's going on the shelf), minimal attention for when he's having a tantrum (so being there while he calms down but not rewarding it with loads of affection), then talking about the boundary after but keeping it simple and short. If you haven't tried them yet look up How To Talk So Little Children Listen ... And The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read

And yes I think you're right that this shouldn't be a big way to get attention. Keep it short and sweet with the talking it through. Then move onto something else .