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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For not wanting to let my partner drive my car

62 replies

Watersounds · 10/05/2025 10:47

NC

Backstory: I have always had my own car, see it as a symbol of my independence as I was a single parent for a while and is absolutely necessary where we live.

We both had own car, no issues, DP never wanted to drive mine as he had his own etc. About a year ago DP lost his job and we struggled financially even though I am main breadwinner. The decision was made to get rid of my car (it was older, needed some work etc) and we went down to one car which wasn’t too bad as DP rarely needed it. He got a job after about 6 months and all was well. I wanted a new car for me but couldn’t justify it as we had used one car for ages and we were cautious about more spending more money until he passed probation etc. Then DP wanted a bigger car (for work) so he saved up and traded etc to buy one, he was thrilled.

4 months on from that I have saved up some money and put a large deposit down on a very nice car and the finance is in my name only. It’s my car and I’m very excited.

DP has already started about how he can’t wait to drive it, he wants to take it when he goes X, he wants to drive to his parents in it etc how he will drive it when we go away etc. keeps referring to it as the family car.

I don’t want him to, told him so and he copped the hump terribly. Saying how I was happy to drive his car for a year (yes because we didn’t have any others) and how I was basically just a bitch for not sharing it.

It is not even here yet and he has said he will take it for the first drive to get fuel etc.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Gazelda · 10/05/2025 10:51

He called you a bitch? That would be a line for me.

but I must admit that I’d think it incredibly petty if my DP wouldn’t allow me to drive my car. I wouldn’t consider it as taking advantage or minimising my ownership of the vehicle.

how long have you been together?

SwanRivers · 10/05/2025 10:51

YABU because you were happy to use his car for so long.

Although the 'first drive' bit will probably sway the voting and the 'bitch' bit obviously.

I'd make it clear I'm happy for him to borrow it sometimes but that it's very much mine and that I get first dibs, including the first drive.

It'd be weird to not let him drive it at all and may come back to bite you in the future.

nomas · 10/05/2025 11:02

YANBU. Do not add him to your insurance.

Original poster
Watersounds · 10/05/2025 11:02

Gazelda · 10/05/2025 10:51

He called you a bitch? That would be a line for me.

but I must admit that I’d think it incredibly petty if my DP wouldn’t allow me to drive my car. I wouldn’t consider it as taking advantage or minimising my ownership of the vehicle.

how long have you been together?

Been together 4 years. He didn’t actually call me a bitch but said ‘it’s pretty bitchy’ and has been off with me ever since.

OP posts:
Original poster
Watersounds · 10/05/2025 11:04

SwanRivers · 10/05/2025 10:51

YABU because you were happy to use his car for so long.

Although the 'first drive' bit will probably sway the voting and the 'bitch' bit obviously.

I'd make it clear I'm happy for him to borrow it sometimes but that it's very much mine and that I get first dibs, including the first drive.

It'd be weird to not let him drive it at all and may come back to bite you in the future.

Edited

Thanks for your honesty. I’m struggling to see if I am being unreasonable genuinely. For the record I have not driven his new car at all and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’

OP posts:
nomas · 10/05/2025 11:05

Watersounds · 10/05/2025 11:04

Thanks for your honesty. I’m struggling to see if I am being unreasonable genuinely. For the record I have not driven his new car at all and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’

Show quote history

So he’s a hypocrite, there’s a surprise.

Tell him no!

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 10/05/2025 11:05

You only drive his car to plug the family finances when he lost his job.

Cognacsoft · 10/05/2025 11:06

I got a new car in March.
Dh has driven it once.
He knows its mine, I'm so proud of it and he will not drive it without my permission unless it's an emergency.
Dh finds all of this hilarious.

You're allowed your own stuff op.
Just don't put him on the insurance.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/05/2025 11:07

I don’t understand how two adults who live together and presumably share their lives can end up having such petty arguments.

We have two cars, one is technically “mine” and the other is technically “his”, but we both use both of them depending on need & which works better for that trip. I honestly cannot imagine ever saying no to him asking to use my car, just like I can’t imagine him ever telling me no.

Cognacsoft · 10/05/2025 11:07

Watersounds · 10/05/2025 11:04

Thanks for your honesty. I’m struggling to see if I am being unreasonable genuinely. For the record I have not driven his new car at all and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’

Show quote history

Just read your update.
Tell him to f off.

SwanRivers · 10/05/2025 11:07

Watersounds · 10/05/2025 11:04

Thanks for your honesty. I’m struggling to see if I am being unreasonable genuinely. For the record I have not driven his new car at all and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’

Show quote history

Well this is something you should've put in your opening post then.

In that case YANBU.

LateForMyOwnFuneral · 10/05/2025 11:10

Why are you putting him on your insurance?

XploringEurope · 10/05/2025 11:11

If he occasionally needs to borrow your car for a good reason, fine. But if he’s bought himself his car of choice (for his use only) since incomes increased, and you’re buying yourself your car of choice from your own money, then no, he shouldn’t expect to use it as if it’s his 2nd car. The car is yours, not his. He should ask to borrow it if needed.

Shade17 · 10/05/2025 11:17

Very odd behaviour. You’ve been together 4 years and presumably live together, why would you not just use each other’s cars. I could never imagine saying to my DW that she couldn’t use any of my cars, and my cars are my absolute passion, they’re there to be driven.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/05/2025 11:20

He was wrong to call you a bitch and talk about driving it first. But my husband and I just drive each others cars whenever, usually depends what’s first in the drive. We’d just say “I’m taking your car if that’s ok”

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/05/2025 11:22

Ah just seen he hasn’t even insured you on his. Don’t insure him on yours then. Problem
solved

fiveIsNewOne · 10/05/2025 11:29

You weren't happily driving HIS car. You were driving the only family car, which was an agreed cost saving measure for the time when he lost his job.

If he has his personal car now which you can't drive, it must be ok for you to have your own car as well.

That said, it sounds weird to me, car is for me just a box on wheels, but it seems you both see it differently and it that context your position is not unreasonable.

"How would you feel, when you were buying (his car) and I planned all the places I'd like to drive it before you even got it?"
And.. wouldn't it be too expensive to put him as a driver on yours?

FOJN · 10/05/2025 11:29

You sold your car because you could not afford to run two cars after he lost his job. He traded up his car before you were able to replace yours and now he wants access to his car and a 'family' car even though you will not have access to his.

At some point you might not mind him driving it but as it's such a symbol of your independence I can understand why you don't want to share it.

By saying he will take it for the first drive to get fuel etc he is behaving as if it's his car. Tell him no, don't insure him on it and hide the keys. That might seem extreme to some but he's showing a great deal of entitlement and that would piss me off.

MoominMai · 10/05/2025 11:30

ThatsNotMyTeen · 10/05/2025 11:22

Ah just seen he hasn’t even insured you on his. Don’t insure him on yours then. Problem
solved

If he has a DOC clause on his own insurance he could drive OPs car though…

Anxioustealady · 10/05/2025 11:34

Do you share finances OP? it sounds like not

Is your car going to be much nicer or bigger than his?

I think it's best to have 2 different types of cars, and switch depending on where you're going, but if you have separate finances and aren't allowed to drive his, I can understand why you aren't happy.

PsychoHotSauce · 10/05/2025 11:35

Watersounds · 10/05/2025 11:04

Thanks for your honesty. I’m struggling to see if I am being unreasonable genuinely. For the record I have not driven his new car at all and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’

Show quote history

"What's yours is mine, and what's mine is my own."

OfficerChurlish · 10/05/2025 11:35

I think it makes sense to each be on the other's insurance and be able to drive each others' cars as a backup or when it makes particular sense (for example, to transport something if one vehicle is larger). However, I'd expect each person would ask (in advance, if possible) to borrow the other car. His (1) ignoring your clearly stated boundaries and saying he'll just take the car and (2) being an arse to you because he didn't 100% get his way (basically trying to punish you or wear you down rather than having a discussion and pleading his case) would be big red flags for me.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 10/05/2025 11:36

@Watersounds and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’ well that's also a good excuse for you to use when you tell him he is not getting to drive your new car!! he wont be on the insurance!

potatocrates · 10/05/2025 11:45

It’s a valid decision. When I bought my car, DH said, “I assume you won’t let me drive it?” and I said “That’s right” and that was that. He gets the bus and his kids have learned to drive themselves. No hassle.

Itisjustmyopinion · 10/05/2025 11:50

I do think it’s ridiculously petty. You are partners. Most time we just grab the keys to most accessible car rather than asking each other to move cars about just so I can drive “mine”