For not wanting to let my partner drive my car

[Watersounds]

NC

Backstory: I have always had my own car, see it as a symbol of my independence as I was a single parent for a while and is absolutely necessary where we live.

We both had own car, no issues, DP never wanted to drive mine as he had his own etc. About a year ago DP lost his job and we struggled financially even though I am main breadwinner. The decision was made to get rid of my car (it was older, needed some work etc) and we went down to one car which wasn’t too bad as DP rarely needed it. He got a job after about 6 months and all was well. I wanted a new car for me but couldn’t justify it as we had used one car for ages and we were cautious about more spending more money until he passed probation etc. Then DP wanted a bigger car (for work) so he saved up and traded etc to buy one, he was thrilled.

4 months on from that I have saved up some money and put a large deposit down on a very nice car and the finance is in my name only. It’s my car and I’m very excited.

DP has already started about how he can’t wait to drive it, he wants to take it when he goes X, he wants to drive to his parents in it etc how he will drive it when we go away etc. keeps referring to it as the family car.

I don’t want him to, told him so and he copped the hump terribly. Saying how I was happy to drive his car for a year (yes because we didn’t have any others) and how I was basically just a bitch for not sharing it.

It is not even here yet and he has said he will take it for the first drive to get fuel etc.

AIBU?

But only cos they sold hers cos he wasn’t contributing financially as he lost his job?

I always think it’s a bit weird when husbands and wives or long-term partners who live together etc can’t drive each other’s cars. A friend of mine had to have her car in garage for a few days but wasn’t insured on her husband’s car (they have two kids!) so it was a right hassle. It just seems pointless as it’s not like it makes that much difference to price anyway. We have two cars, I drive one more and DH drives the other more but they are family cars that we are both insured on and we use whatever one suits what it is we are going to do.

But I guess this is just a relationship dynamic thing. I think it’s weird, others obviously think it’s normal. But I think in this case it’s symptomatic of issues in your relationship anyway.

I’m often surprised how petty some people are.

so your husband presumably can drive but has no car, and you refuse to let him drive yours, even though that means he sometimes has to take public transport.

if you were a man refusing to let his wife drive his car (it would be called the family car!) you’d be called abusive.

But he's not wanting to drive it 'sometimes' because it would be more convenient. He's talking about it as though it's his car. He's not asking OP if he can drive it occasionally, he's demanding that he drives it whenever and wherever he wants.

DP has already started about how he can’t wait to drive it, he wants to take it when he goes X, he wants to drive to his parents in it etc how he will drive it when we go away etc.

OP is he selfish and self centred in other ways too? As a PP said, what's his is his and what's yours is his. The way he's behaving about his own car and yours, I find it difficult to believe he's the very model of selflessness in other things.

This. I have a new car, his is old, I wouldn’t contemplate saying ‘no’ however he wouldn’t assume it was ok for him to drive. 🤷‍♀️

I think it’s quite sad when a couple living together separate their assets so say mine not ours. It’s worse when they’re married.

During all the 21 years of our marriage, neither of us ever drove each other's cars. Not once. My (now ex) DH wouldn't let me touch his and once I got my own car, I understood why, I just didn't want anyone else driving my car.
We weren't insured for each other's cars and any problems, we dealt with ourselves.

It's perfectly acceptable to have your own car and not let anyone drive it, and as you haven't driven your partner's new car either, seems perfectly reasonable.

He won't let you use his car but thinks he's going to be using your car whenever?

WTF, dude? No.

You went down to one car when he lost his job and you were carrying the full financial load. It was his car because it was in better shape. Now that you're finally getting your own, he is showing extreme entitlement down to copping a tude when you told him he wouldn't be driving it. He has his car that you don't drive. He doesn't get to have your car that's financed by you and in your name too.

If he had been fine with sharing his new car, I'd feel differently. But he wants his and then he wants yours too. Hell no.

That said, my husband used my car and I used his, both insured on all cars. But we always asked first.

Quite clearly it’s down to how you deal with all your finances.

If this car has been paid for out of your money (not family money) then it’s up to you and YANBU.

It sounds like you don’t do “all income into one family pot so” if he won’t add you to his insurance then you don’t add him to yours (and don’t allow him to drive even if he arranges his own insurance).

On the contrary, you are not partners. He hasn't let you drive his car, but was OK with you giving up your car to help out when he lost his job. Now he's calling you names. He doesn't see you as an equal.
If you stay with him, don't put him on the insurance unless it's helpful to you for him to be able drive your car.
And if he loses his job, and therefore the car, will he be demanding rights over your car?

It seems an odd way to go through life as a couple and a family, not discussing with each other when you make big purchases.
As a couple, since we were able to afford a 2nd car, we've made sure they compliment each other. One is larger / more room in the back / more boot space an the other much smaller / more economical, cheaper.
We always decided who had which car, depending on who was driving the dc, or who had a lot of things to transport around.
The idea that your dp upgraded his car when back on his feet, rather than you being able to buy your own at that point is just bizarre.

Equally odd is him saying "he has said he will take it for the first drive to get fuel etc.". I mean , that is just odd.
If he wanted the car you have chosen, why didn't he choose it when he upgraded his ?

For the record I have not driven his new car at all and am not insured to drive it. I asked the other day if he would add me to it incase I needed it ever, he said ‘no, it would be too expensive’

If you can't drive his new car, then there's no reason for him to drive yours. He has his own-why does he need to have yours?

Just don't put him on the insurance.